My husband has been encouraging me to write and tell my side of our story. In honesty, I am not sure why but after reading and replying to a thread about an internet relationship, it felt like the time might be right. This may get long, I'm not always good at being brief! <P>My husband and I had been having problems for over a year. We have two children (almost 3<BR>and 1 years old) and many of the troubles seemed to revolve around them. Our older son has an unspecific handicap (i.e., the doctors have no idea what's going on with him) and our second son came very quickly after the first. Major stress! Neither of us knew how to cope and support the other. I became depressed, he became angry. Probably fairly typical, right? <P>We did the best we could with what knowledge we had at the time but by november 1999, I had finally given up. I began having serious thoughts about divorce. I remember we talked about separating but can't remember when he began to take me seriously. Around this time, I started writing a man I met on soc.penpals who claimed to be having similar problems in his marriage. Everything was innocent for about a week and then suddenly I was the most wonderful woman in the world and maybe, just maybe he was starting to fall in love with me. Yes, I fell for it, hook, line and sinker! He kept proclaiming his love for me and soon enough we were phoning, mailing sexual fantasies and all the other typical things that happen in these kinds of affairs. We were mailing each other 3 to 5 times a day and it was certainly no longer innocent. He brought up the idea of meeting and we set a date for him to come visit me.<P>Two weeks before the OM arrived, my husband confronted me. "I know all about X" he said. I was shocked but looking back on it, how could he not have figured it out? It was obvious. We had a tremendous fight that night but by the next morning I said I wanted to work it out. It was half a lie. I was confused by the way my husband had been changing and helping me more but I was still hooked into this other guy. Also, being confronted with my cheating via e-mail took all of the excitement out of it. It wasn't "fun" anymore but I didn't think I could stop it. <P>I still met the OM and I did have sex with him. He turned out to be quite unlike his e-mails. In his writing, he couldn't stop telling me he loved me. In person, he said it once and probably only to make sure he got sex. I feel so incredibly stupid that I fell for each and every cliche he offered me.<BR>I was so desperate for attention. When I returned home (I was with OM from the afternoon til late evening), my husband asked me if there was anything he should know. At least this time I started to tell the truth!<BR>I already knew I had done the wrong thing but couldn't figure out how to get out of it (I was supposed to meet OM again the next morning). Our final solution was to go to OM's hotel the next day where I would tell him it was over while my husband waited outside the room. The only reason I went back in person (instead of a phone call) is that I left a camera in his room that had photos of my children on it. Fortunately, I hadn't taken any photos of the OM. OM was very passive about it all, maybe because I said my husband was on the other side of the door. I don't know. He got what he came for, right? <P>It hasn't even been a week since this meeting took place. I've deleted every single e-mail and thrown away everything from phone numbers to addresses, photos, etc. I have a new e-mail address and my husband has also blocked OM's e-mail address (all his mails to me will bounce back). We also wrote a final "it's over" letter to him from my husband's e-mail address. I fear he may try to call monday (tomorrow) when he thinks my husband is at work. The plan is to hang up and phone my husband right away and then probably turn off the phone. I think I have the strength not to get sucked in again. <P>As for my husband and me, we're talking, talking, talking. The crying seems to be over for now. We both believe it has helped us to see what we really have together. We wish it hadn't happened but we feel we can grow stronger from the experience. We're also in counseling and this can only help us in our healing process. I plan on staying away from e-mailing anyone but family and if I ever get the urge again, I will talk to my husband instead. He's more interesting and truly loves me, unlike the predators on the net. <P>It's sad to me that I had to do this to my husband, my children and myself to learn this lesson.

sadman's wife,<P>I for one thank you. It takes a lot of courage to do what you've just done in this post. You have a lot more strength than you thought! <P>I am happy for you and for sadman in that you found your error so fast. I only wish my W would... it's going on 5 months since she's moved out to be with OM... and now she is pushing for the divorce...<P>My situation may work out differently than yours... but I am still very happy for you. <P>Keep posting, if it doesn't bring up too much pain for you... There are several waywards on this forum with whom you can communicate and with whom you can share your recovery with.<P>Prayers... <P>Jim

Hi, sw,<P>yep, I'm one of those "waywards" Jim mentioned, although mine was a number of years ago... but I remember it well, from the excitement and euphoria, to the feeling stupid and miserable. And my H DuncanMac had a brief affair (internet that went real) a bit over a year ago. Which unfortunately was partly emotional fallout & unfinished healing from my affair (more on that below). So yeah, it's a pretty tangled web we weave.<P>I just wanted to tell you that you & Sadman are in the right place. This whole website is a goldmine of information - read it thoroughly! And this forum is full of people who understand all the feelings that go along with being on *either* side of this thing, and will offer you support and a sounding board. <P>I think it's wonderful that you and your H are already doing so well, considering the recent nature of your affair!! You seem like two strong & courageous people. Never lose sight of the first priority - rebuilding your marriage, stronger than ever, and thereby creating a stable and loving home for those little ones of yours.<P>It *can* be done - it will take some time, lots of talking and exploring ideas & emotions, there will be "one step forward two steps back" days - but it CAN be done with great joy and success. Make a vow to each other to keep your eyes on the goals when you feel like you're slogging through the mud. You will truly be amazed at what you can accomplish together (you listening, sadman?? ).<P>sw, one thing I especially want to mention to *you* is that the guilt and shame you are feeling are very hard to deal with. They just kind of have a way of sucking the joy right out of your marriage... it might be hard for you to be spontaneous, loving, open with your H because at some very deep level you don't feel you "deserve" him... please be aware of this. It continued to sabotage my marriage for years because first, I didn't know what the problem was, and even after I figured it out, I didn't know how to fix it.<P>Anyway, just wanted to kind of "welcome" you both (as much as you can welcome someone to a forum like this! :-/ ). Treat each other as friends and allies against a common enemy - try to treat each other gently - and have faith that the obstacles and pain you're facing *can* be overcome, okay?<P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR>

Hi! Well, it looks like Suse said much of what I was going to say to you already! I have been where you are too, not too long ago. <P>I admire your honesty and straightforwardnes in your post. I do not think it's in your nature to be deceitful, sneaky, or dishonest, and it probably killed a part of who you are to go thru what you did. Sometimes I think we resort to means that are normally below our standard of behavior to meet a need that screams to be satisfied. That doesn't make us bad or stupid or peices of sh*t, just human. And it's a wake up call for us to work on ourselves and how we feel about ourselves.<P>The unfortunate part of this is that we ended up committing an act that hurt our mates so deeply that we wonder if there will be anything left. There's never any sure way to tell if it will "all work out in the end" or not, and that's the truth. But, I'd say that since both you and your husband are here trying to right things, that the two of you have an excellent chance of healing well together. <P>As for Monday, if this dude has the audacity to call you .... I KNOW you know what to do, right? Easier said than done, I know. But, dear, please don't worry about hurting this poor innocent man's little feelings by hanging up on his nice phone call (whether it happens tomorrow or next month.) He clearly didn't give a rat's @ss how he hurt your marriage! Or someone who you loved dearly - Sadman. Nope. He has his own motives. EVen I can see that from here! And that I think will become more obvious to you as time goes on. <P>Hope to see more of you soon, please feel free to come here and post as often as you need! We're here to help! <P>Waywardly yours,<BR>Khyra<BR>

Hi there SMW, <P>I'm Suse's other half. Yep, we're real people. A real mixed bag, that is. Some good qualities, some not so good. <P>Most importantly, we've learned to accept that. It may sound trite but no one's perfect. This may sound totally bizarre but Suse and I have even learned to laugh at the mistakes we made in our respective betrayals.<P>Oh, it's certainly NOT a joke. These were some of the most agonizing moments of our lives. The point I can't make strongly enough is that we decided it was more important to go forward and see what we could make of it.<P>Sounds like you two have as well. You're doing soooo many good things to bring you back closer together again.<P>What could I offer you for advice? If only one thing, it would be to go easy on yourselves. Patience! <P>If I could pick another? That's easy too: forgive. Forgive each other, forgive yourselves. Easier to say than to live. But there are plenty here who are willing to offer support. <P>You've got A LOT going for you!<P>Best,<P>DMac<p>[This message has been edited by DuncanMac (edited January 17, 2000).]

Yes, another wayward here. Sorry I am responding so late, but I have been out of town for two days! I am so glad that you wrote your side of the story. It is good to know that you have such great support in your H. I remember his post and how worried he was about you. But I also remember how much love he described having for you. I know that if you keep working together that it will get better. In my case, I am working on myself before I can find the courage to tell my H. I have to do it my way, or I will never get over it. It is very difficult, but I am making progress. If I were you I would change my phone number as soon as possible. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and look for further posts from you about your progress! Good luck to you.... you're on your way.