AGB,<P>This is my third or more try at answering this... I keep getting interrupted. I'm not sure what you are hoping to hear other than my story, and I can tell you after emailing with probably about a dozen women dealing with OC outside of their marriage that every one deals with it a little differently. <P>I can also tell you some resources that have helped us, like counseling (make sure it is someone who will emphasis/support the marriage!), the book "After the Affair" by Janis Abrams Spring (GREAT book though no info. on OC), Marriagebuilders stuff (like the questionnaires) off the internet (heard the Harley books are good too), <A HREF="http://www.affairs-help.com" TARGET=_blank>www.affairs-help.com</A> (tells the 5 types of affairs!), also <A HREF="http://www.vaughan-vaughan" TARGET=_blank>www.vaughan-vaughan</A> has some interesting pages (including OC info). H had a list of things to work on, like making how/where he spent his time very open to me, working on the problems that caused the affair, etc. and he's done them all. We had a private ceremony (just the two of us) at about 7 months into the healing for forgiveness and to call H a "new man". We renewed our marriage vows 14 months into the healing. And there are still times when I need to tell H that some memory is bothering me and we cry and hold each other, but it is no longer the center of my life. His affair is an ugly painful story of double betrayal, but I don't want to live the rest of my life around it. Still, you have to first get to the point where it is OVER for healing to begin and the healing itself is a GRIEF process (just like when someone dies!! denial, anger, sadness, etc.). I've read to expect two years for affair recovery.<P>Re: the OC. We moved away before the OC was born. We have not seen her except in pictures but had DNA done and pay support. XOW has tried threats, whining and emotional blackmail to get H to visit---not! Nothing comes from her or goes to her without my opening or sealing/sending it. We send gifts to child for major holidays but H told XOW it is up to the child to decide if she wants to correspond/visit when she is older, considering what a distant father H will always be. I would have been willing to adopt, but I won't co-parent with The Witch. We are interested in having OC visit 2-3 weeks/year and writing, but our family comes first. It is very important to us to show a UNITED FRONT to XOW, with minimal contact and healthy boundaries. Some couples have more contact than this with OC (like a regular child of divorce, maybe joint custody), while others have absolutely no contact ever. I understand both points of view! But whatever happens should be by joint agreement between H and W. <P>Okay, that's enough for now. Let me know if you have any questions, and <BR>Good Luck!
