I haven't posted for a while. Have had alot going on. I did read all the material from the Harley's and have read the book on Affairs.<P>I think I've got the lovebusting concept down and have been trying real hard to Plan A my situation.<P>The problem has come up that my H gave me an STD. It is for sure, have had all the tests etc. It has taken a bit to come to grips but I have accepted it and just want to be healthy, So, the Dr. said safe sex is the only way.<P>Here is the problem. Everytime we institute his instructions all I hear is complaints. I am so offended by the insensitivity here. How do I not just LB all over the place. This is the most selfish thing I've ever experienced.<P>Help! Need some advice how to handle this one!

heartlove,<P>Just a question... in "Everytime we institute <B>his</B> instructions all I hear is complaints"... is <B>his</B> the Doctor's or your H's?<P>Whether is it or not... I agree with you...<BR>your H is being VERY <B>selfish</B>.<P>There is <B>nothing</B> that should force you <B>not</B> protect yourself! This (protecting your health) can never be viewed as a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>! Even <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A>, in a counseling session with me said, the one exception in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busting</A> is if there is abuse of any kind (to the children or yourself.) If you think that H's actions are leading you to get a STD... those actions (abusive) <B>should stop</B>!<P>Please take care of yourself.<BR>If this means stopping sex... so be it.<P>Jim<BR>

NsR,<P>Thanks for your reply. The instructions were given to us by my Dr. My H complains because he doesn't like the "restraints" of safe sex. <P>OK, so how do I deal with this issue without telling him he is being selfish?<P>No, I will not threaten my health anymore then it has already been threatened. I have needed to undergo some minor surgery to alleviate the situation and that is even uncertain as to a cure.<P>I love my H but this is ridiculous. He realizes he is being unthoughtful but that doesn't keep him from bringing it up the next time.<P>Sexual aversion has been one of my problems. I thought I had overcome it to a great extent, but this is a new forum for conflict that I didn't expect. My heart wants to say if you had of been careful this wouldn't of happened in the first place, Yah, a major lovebuster.

Heartlove:<P>If I understand your post correctly, your husband infected you with an STD and now complains because you have to practice safe sex. Just when I think I have read about the most selfish person on earth, someone worse comes along!<P>I am in a very similar situation in some ways. My husband also infected me with an STD. I was having symptoms, so we both went and got tested for everything. I was positive for HSV2, negative for everything else. My husband was negative for everything! The doctor explained that obviously the woman my husband was involved with was infected with HSV2 and my husband tranferred the virus to me without infecting himself (I'll spare you the disgusting details of THAT). My husband claims that they were physically involved only once, and with no intercourse.<P>The doctor also talked to me about practicing safe sex, but to be honest having sex with anyone was the last thing on my mind at that time. The doctor was very supportive and nonjudgemental (though he did give my husband a little guilt trip).To be honest,my husband did everything he could to make it easier. He made all the appointments and talked to our doctor ahead of time and confessed his infidelity and told the doctor all of the details so that he could schedule the tests. My husband cried when he found out I was positive, and cried even more when he found out he was negative.<P>Since there is no cure for HSV2, we have to face this for the rest of our lives. My husband refuses to use condoms. I believe he hopes he will get infected because he feels so guilty about all of this.<P>Anyway, to get to the point here. Avoiding lovebusters does not mean allowing him to mistreat you in any way. It relates more to the way you discuss painful issues. Talk to your husband about this, and ask him to accept his responsibility for this situation. Explain your feelings and that his complaints hurt you and remind you of the infidelity. If necessary, visit the doctor together and ask questions about any other alternatives. If you are not in counselling, please consider it.<P>An STD is a constant reminder of the affair, and it does make recovery harder. The way you and your husband handle this very difficult situation will affect the success of your marriage.<P>I wish you all the best of luck.<P>

peppermint, if you don't mind my asking, what is a more common name for HSV2? I don't recall being tested for that, unless they referred to it as something else.<P>Thank you.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P><BR>

Terri,<P>I think HSV is herpes simplex virus (1 or 2). I've been told that without active outbreaks, testing is iffy at best. Many folks have the antibodies but may never show symptoms. <P><P>------------------<BR>RobinAnn<P>*********<P>Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape!<BR>

I don't mean to jump in here ladies, but my W too came home with an STD which we will have to deal with for the rest of our lives.<P>It is definitely a constant reminder of my W's infidelity.<P>I just wanted you to know that men can be the unwitting victims of this as well.<P>God Bless

Thank you Peppermint for your very responsive post,<P>I was unable to get back to the forum last night because the argument I feared insued!<P>As hard as I've tried to not bring up the affair it seems like there is always "the elephant" in the room. The safe sex issue is the most recent trigger.<P>Oh, he says he knows we need to use condums for the rest of our lives but he doesn't have to like it! It would seem like he would want to protect me from any further infection in what ever way he could.<BR>Maybe we should go talk to the Dr. together. He hasn't even been tested for anything. He just acts like the whole mess will one day go away and it will be as if it has never happened.<P>As far as counseling goes, we went several times but the issue is me and that is where the dialogue ends. He went by himself once but didn't like the counselor so wouldn't go back. I am OK at this point but it is clear that he is living in a shell of guilt and anger. <P>So, last night after trying to discuss this issue minus love busting he threw a fit and slept in the spare bedroom. So much for communication.<P>Sometimes I get so tired of the battle. Like I said before this is so selfish I can't believe it and I really don't know how to handle it. The spontanaity is gone he says when you need to use precautions! This is what he found so great about the OW, she did it all and I'm paying for it.<P>Sorry for going on, I have no one to talk to about this issue.<p>[This message has been edited by heartlove (edited January 17, 2000).]

Heartlove:<P>Please ask, encourage, insist that your husband get tested. You both need to know exactly what you are dealing with.<P>You did not mention the type of STD you have, but the existence of any kind means other types are possible. Please make sure you have been fully tested and that your husband is tested too. I think a joint visit to the doctor would be very beneficial. Ignoring the problem will not help. It will not go away by itself, only intensify the difficulty.<P>I will he happy to offer any support that I can. I don't post very often, but I'm here everyday. I have become so knowledgeable about HSV2 ( yes it is herpes) that even my doctor is surprised sometimes!<P>I'll be watching for your posts.

peppermint,<P>I think maybe you have given me an answer to my situation. I have been assuming all of the responsibility for the STD(which is HPV by the way). My H has never even considered being tested. I know its not me who started this because I have been monogomous for many years. I was tested for all other STD's as well. The rest were negative!<P>If I suggest he go and get tested then he will have to face the music himself. He has been real good about hiding his head in the sand when it has come to any of this. He figured after discovery that was the end of his part. I am not sure if he'll go but if he doesn't then he can't complain about the need for safe sex.<P>Thanks again for your insight. I'll keep you posted. By the way what is the responsibility of the OP in all of this? She's walking around like the Queen of Sheba and infecting everyone she comes in contact with! And believe me she's busy!