I had an long conversation with my sister yesterday and she gave me some thoughts on EMAs. I wanted to get her insight after having a discussion with my husband (she’s a psychiatrist). We had a long heart-to-heart. I learned some things that make me uncomfortable, and I guess I have to do some soul-searching of my own. In her opinion, it isn’t my husband who has the problem but myself. She says that I have become increasingly withdrawn over the last 6 months. Apparently others have noticed and my H has visited her to get advice (I didn’t know that). This last year has been horrible, but I thought I was handling it really well – guess not. <P>Anyhow, we talked about the MB philosophy, and while she didn’t agree with some aspects, she was impressed with the commitment that everyone here has. In her experience, some people enter into affairs to cement their own self-perception, or to punish themselves. She says often it is less about the marriage itself than about the person who is unhappy. They may feel that they are not good people, and when others don’t see them in the same light, they set about to prove their own feelings of unworth. Kind of like, “you don’t think I’m rotten, well, what if I do this, now do you think so?” It continues on until they get the verification that they are indeed bad people. Others have a need to be “punished” or are living a self-induced prophecy. “I knew deep down I wasn’t good enough, eventually she agreed” – not connecting that they actually made the person come to that conclusion by their own actions. In her opinion there can be a real danger in the betrayed party accepting part in causing the affair. In much the same way that a battered wife isn’t responsible for being beaten, or a rape victim doesn’t “ask for it”. To diminish accountability of the betrayer prevents them from accepting full responsibility and the self-respect they may regain from attonement. In other words, while the betrayed spouse can look back and wish they had done things differently, they must accept that unless and until their SO WANTS to be understood and fulfilled, no one could have filled their emotional needs. <P>In my case, she thinks that I have been freezing people out since we lost our daughter last summer. I swung from blaming God (how could he let this happen) to despising myself (she was in my care), to resenting my husband (if only he had been there…) to utter despair towards her birth mother (she trusted us to raise and protect her). It was unbearably painful to talk about or even see things that reminded me. After finding an item in the backset of the car one day, I went home and threw everything out. We had a huge fight about that at the time. I learned this weekend that my husband had to go thru the garbage to retrieve photos and a few other things which are now at my mothers. The last few months I thought I was doing so much better, and really cherishing life, but I still can’t talk about it, or about her. My H says he has been watching me going through this and hoping that I would come around. That he can’t help until I can accept help from him. The thing that I’ve lost sight of (and my sister reminded me) is that he is suffering too, as is our son. I feel pretty selfish right now and fairly horrified at my actions lately. <P>One other thing I discovered – apparently my “friend” has had his eye on me for years. That was no big surprise to her. But that he had chosen now to act on it got a firey reaction – I may have damaged her friendship with him as well (we have all been family friends forever). I don’t want anyone else to know, as by judging her reaction, it could create some really hard feelings.<P>Thanks for listening. <P>Sarah. <BR>

SaraLee,<BR>Wow, I read your other post, but I did not know about your loss. My deepest sympathy for that part. ( I have a 3 yr old D, can't even think of it). I am glad you are seeking assistance and others feedback. The loss of a family member is one of the life situations that leads people to have affairs. My wife lost her closest grandmother 3 mths before her affair started, I still think her loss affected her mindset uptil the affair started. I agree with you sister about the "unhappy about yourself" thing. That is one aspect I have accepted about my situation. Yes, I could have done some behaviors to better meet her needs, but I also know my wife was/is going through some personal soul-searching of her own. You are seeking answers, my W and others who enter into affairs are running from themselves and answers they may not want to hear.

SaraLee:<P>Thoughts and prayers for you. I cannot imagine the depth of pain the loss of a child brings.<P>I do know the pain caused by an unfaithful spouse, and can tell from reading your posts that you love your husband and do not want to cause him that pain.<P>Your sister's insight touches on something that has really bothered me about this whole situation- the tendancy to blame the betrayed. However, Dr. Harley constantly states that affairs are never justified or excused by the behavior of a spouse. The behavior can create an atmosphere that makes an affair likely to happen.<P>My husband's affair began about two months after his mother's death from a rapidly debilitating illness. I have seen several other similar stories on this site- the death of a loved one brings changes to our lives that sometimes lead to affairs.<P>I am glad you recognized this in time to save your family from the heartbreak so many are going through.

SaraLee,<P>I too am sorry about your D. How sad for you and your entire family!<P>I agree that loss is a majpor contributor to many affairs. My H's affair started the same week that we found out his B had a terminal illness (coincidence? no). His brother died 6 weeks later and we had a total of 8 deaths from April through Dec. last year. They really helped to precipitate the MLC.<P>Your S's insights echo what we read in so many books - this is really about our spouse's more than it is about their relationship with us. Albeit, each of us can benefit from self-improvements and relationship improvements, too.<P>It sounds like your S gave you a real wakje up call as to your affect. I hope that you will be able to spend more time working on processing your grief. I can only imagine this is the most horrible of things for you. I will keep you in my daily prayers. Also, your H and your son who need to have you back to yourself to enrich their lives. Your H needs to work on his own grief process and I pray that he will seek a better outlet than he has to do so.<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Of course your heart aches. Many marriages do not survive a loss of a child.<P>If your H was concerned enough to seek help for you, he must be a sensitive and caring man. <P>Your situation will not change over night. But work toward reaching out to your H and move away from seeking answers outside your marriage.<P>I pray you will find peace.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

SarahLee, I echo the sympathy the others have expressed. Losing a loved one is devastating - and I don't know how anyone can survive the loss of a child...<P>The factor of losing a loved one as one of the catalysts for an affair is very interesting. We experienced several losses as a couple over the several years of my husband's affair: My grandmother, whom I believe my husband loved dearly (she was a loveable person), our cat (my very first pet as an adult - I was devastated, he cried too), and his mother. We lost my grandmother not long before the affair began, from what I've been able to figure out, in January of 1996. We lost the cat after several months of dealing with the fact that she had cancer in her jaw, that happened in June of 1997. And his mom had been dying slowly of emphysema for that entire time plus... Her death in October of 1997 created difficulties between the siblings and left him with the belief that there is no God (he lost his dad to a terrible tractor-trailer accident when he was 17). Within 6 months, he had come to the conclusion he could no longer live with me, and about 6 months later I found out about the affair and that he was planning to leave.<P>So ... I'd have to say that I, too, believe that losses like this can contribute to the vulnerability of a person to having an affair.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P><BR>

SL,<P>I know exactly what you are talking about. I too lost loved ones and felt everything you described. My parents died within a year of each other. I was so mad at god because they were such faithful catholics for years and I felt they had been punished. I pulled away from my H because I didn't think he could understand my pain. I think that the trauma of my parents death took a huge toll on my relationship with my STBXH. <P>I have finally dug myself out of that pit by taking antidepressants and getting a year and a half of therapy. I was devestated by my husbands affair, but I also took responsibility for my failures in my marriage. I was depressed and giving him very little of my attention. I had a hard time getting over my losses. I now see that stresses like having a baby, moving, lossing both parents and my H's high pressure job were just a few of the issues we were dealing with. <P>In therapy I have finally found that I am content and comfortable in my own skin. I have literally gone from being a pessimistic, judgmental and negative person, to generally happy optomistic person. I still have no idea wether it is the drugs and therapy or just the fact I don't have to deal with my H's issues any more. What I am trying to tell you is that it takes "time", it has been 10 years since their death and it gets easier and your guilt and pain does subside. I can see how you might reach out and want to connect w/someone new who might understand. I hope that you gain some understanding from my growth, it has been a crazy yet mind opening year for me.<P>Gerri <P>PS Love the name, it is my daughters name!