We have been married 25 years. Generally it has been a good marriage however since July I have been involved in an on line affair. I say have been, we broke it off Dec. 20. However, I was making plans to separate from my H for many reasons. But about the time the relationship ended, I decided I would ask, insist, beg that my H go to marriage counseling with me. I wanted to wait til after the holidays to drop this on him. Then our oldest daughter was killed in a car wreck on Dec.23. We are devestated, but the problems in our marriage aren't going away. The question is do I tell him about the on line affair? We never met, it is over, there will be no contact. Can I still ask for marriage counseling? The big issues in our marriage are still there. Would telling him about the EA do irreperable harm, knowing how fragile he is anyway? At this point I will not leave, but I honestly dread living like we have been for another 35-40 years. <P>------------------<BR>cathrick<P>The lives we lead are a direct result of the choices we make.

Cathrick, I am new in here, and am in the middle of my own on-line affair, but i think you need to look inside your self and see if you want to tell him to hurt him or to get him to see the depth of your sense of loss and hoplessness. I am very sorry for the loss of your daughter, and i will pray for your family. If you are planning on seperating anyways, i would not tell him. But if you are willing to work it out you should tell him, so that you can both work through the issues that brought you to start "seeing" another man. I am probably not much of a help, but just thought you might get something from this. Good luck!<BR>

My heart goes out to you. It must be so difficult losing a child. Stay strong!!!! Keep your trust in God and alloow him to carry you through this trying time. As far as your emotional affair, I think you should tell your husband. Only in honest will you be able to truly work on your marriage. He deserves to know. Otherwise, what you live will be a lie. I'm sure that besides the emotional affair, there are other problems that need to be resolved. I was a betrayer and I told my H the truth. Some people may think that I'm crazy for confessing, but I don't think so. He already felt it in his gut. I think that going to counselling will help. Maybe you may want to wait to get a profssional opinion on how to tell him, but I think it's necessary to tell him. I think whatever you do will come out in the light. Don't be discouraged. It will be a rough ride, but have faith and I believe if you follow the principles of Dr. H, and most of all follow the guidance of God, you'll be okay. But patience is a virue!!!!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

cathrick,<P>Firstly, I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter. That is the hardest pain imaginable, losing a child, my heart truly goes out to you. <P>I can only say that if I were in your position, I would probably allow time for grieving, this only happened recently. Disclosing your online affair right now is something that I would put on the backburner. If there are MAJOR problems marriage wise, it's a good step to address these issues ASAP with a counselor if your marriage is in danger of being irreperably damaged now (if your husband is willing), but in the grieving process I would imagine it futile to try to help a marriage problem until the shock of you and your husband's loss is dealt with. <P>I am a firm believer in honesty and telling your spouse about an affair, but there is a time and a place and there are circumstances that have to be taken into consideration.<P>My suggestion would be to address the grieving of your daughter first, take this in steps. Your husband will have to realize what placed you in the position to be vulnerable to an affair in the first place, those issues need to be brought to light. Finding a GOOD marriage counselor and picking the right time to do this are key factors after you've gone through major stages of grieving. Ultimately, he'll have to realize what's happened so you both can fix this. Wish I had a magic wand to wave and take away your pain, I'm so sorry for what you're having to go through.

Welcome <B>cathrick</B>, to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>My condolences on the death of your daughter. This I'm sure has taken a great toll on your whole family.<P>Now... if that family... and your marriage (the symbol of that family)... you know what to do....<P>Stop the separation... building your marriage is made so much harder if you are not together. If you want to build look at everything at this site...<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OW/OM/OP).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>You registered back around Thanksgiving, but I'm sure you have been preoccupied.... review <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>.<P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! You too should start on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>. It will make the "honesty" to tell you H (which you must do at some time) much easier.<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll will learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! Look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>, and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6010_give.html" TARGET=_blank>"Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around. There is a post that lists many of these non-Harley book recommendations... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010158.html" TARGET=_blank>Books... books... books... (again)</A>.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here! We care a lot about all aspects of your life... it all touches your marriage. <BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<BR>You now have more reason for some of these... but why compound those feelings...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<P>We can give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <B>We</B> do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice base on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours... and ask... ask... ask! <P>I'd have to agree with <B>jamie-lee</B>...<BR>get counseling to how and when to tell your H... but don't wait too long!<P>Prayers... <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

cathrick -- First, let me express my sympathies over the loss of your daughter.<P>Secondly, I think Iwould wait a while before talking with your H about the EA. You both have healing to do regarding your daughter.<P>You will be in my prayers.<P>God Bless