Lost her song,<BR>Puleeeze don't lecture me about "understanding". My first husband slept with over 20 women during our marriage. My second husband was an abusive person who humiliated me in large and small ways. I coped in a very bad way. If it makes you feel better to assume that ALL affairs have NOTHING to do with the betrayed, then go ahead. Although I accept FULL responsibility for my actions in coping with my marriage, my ex is at least 50% responsible for the breakdown of our marriage. But hey, I'm no "victim" either. I chose to marry both of them. I'll say what I've said about a jillion times here...THERE IS MORE THAN ONE WAY TO BE BETRAYED. I can echo something Jamie-Lee said though--only the betrayed are "allowed" to be angry about the state of their marriage, apparently. After infidelity, the betrayer is essentially stripped of any "right" to make demands or insist that the betrayed change things that have also done damage in a marriage. The betrayed get carte blanche to act just about any way they feel like it. The world can't "see" the things my H did to hurt me. They can only "see" that I cheated on my H, therefore, I'm the bigger villain.<P>The old timers here know what I've been through and know what I did to try and save my marriage. Not all betrayed are forgiving or even "nice". Some betrayed ARE mean, ARE abusive, and ARE cruel and were that way before the affair. Does that mean I get to have an affair? Does that exempt me from MY responsibility? Heck no, but that does mean that *both* betrayed and betrayer are accountable for the damage they do in a marriage. PERIOD. We can talk all day about who did what to whom and who was hurt more, but that doesn't get anybody anywhere. <P><p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited January 18, 2000).]

<BR>TheStudent:<P>The crux of your argument is that it takes two people to wreck a marriage, and that society seems to unfairly assign a higher degree of "fault" on the betrayer. For the most part, I think you're right about it taking two people to make a marriage bad. On the other hand, I believe it is entirely just to assign a higher degree of blame to betrayers. Why?<P>Well, for the most part, divorce happens when there is an affair in progress and one of the partners won't end it. Ironically, its usually the betrayer who files for divorce (see the Pittman book). If the odds show that betrayers do most of the filing for divorce, it follows that they should be held more accountable for destroying their marriage. You don't have to agree with me here, and something tells me you won't, but I really think giving betrayers an extra dose of blame is the right thing to do.<P>Catnip:<P>I believe that in the end, it won't be the infidelity that ends the marriage, it will be the alcoholism. I agree with other posters that your H probably feels unworthy. Perhaps you could convince him that getting sober and staying that way will make him an equal in your eyes (btw, I don't mean to imply you don't already see him as an equal, its what *he* feels that counts). You're on a rollercoaster that's hitting a bit of a dip right now. The valleys stink, but the peaks will remind you of why you're on the ride in the first place! Also, check your email later today!<P>Bystander

Catnip..... Oh my god, I know exactly what you are saying . I feel the same way . I would like to share my story with you . Do you have an e mail address? I hope to hear from you.

suzyQ and catnip, i want to email you too!<BR>me too, me too!!<BR>neenfun@yahoo.com

I am humbled, grateful and frankly, bowled over by the response I have received over the past 24 hours from all of you. <BR>Each and every one of you have been so generous in your replies (especially YOU, Student) and have given me much comfort in knowing that I am not alone in these feelings, that I am not bashing or putting myself 'above' my husband. That the 'anniversary' issue puts the events of last year suddenly in the spotlight. I did not address these resentments or this anger entirely at the time because I so desperately wanted to restore my marriage and was willing to overlook or postpone those feelings until another later time, although I did not know at the time that that was what I was doing. <P>Suse: You are absolutely right. I am in panic mode and just now have the luxury of acknowledging the anger without fear of being left alone again. <BR>Student: Bystander knows me very well and can tell you that I have the deepest love and respect for my husband in spite of what happened last year.<BR>What happened last year was a culmination of alcoholism, mental illness and perhaps a nervous breakdown. He behaved completely out of character. So, Student, when I say that I cannot believe my husband was capable of what he did, I steadfastly stand behind that statement because for two decades I had constant deep abiding love and appreciation from him, was completely devoted, we were closer than any couple I have ever known. It was that special. And to be dismissed so abruptly and instantaneously was a shock I will never understand, because of who he was/is and what we had/have.<BR>JL: I begged God to soften my husband's heart and to clear his mind and to restore our marriage. God answered my prayers.<BR>In the middle of the day last December '98, I knelt on the floor of an empty church and was doubled over with grief; sobbing, begging and asking for God's will, acknowledging that I was afraid of what His will was for me. Fast forward one year and one month and I am awed, humbled and grateful for the progress we have made and the closeness and involvement that has been restored. <BR>I am baffled by my feelings of rage and hurt-that I do stuff in order to avoid hurting my husband because he is desperately trying to get and stay sober and working so hard to make things up to me. I don't want to do anything to hamper his progress.<BR>That's why I am here, Student. To tell all of you how I feel so I don't make him feel worse than he already does and set back his recovery.<BR>Martha, I heed your warnings, and Khyra, the focus should be on the disease of alcoholism. Dancer, I have had many moments where I thought what I had won was the 'booby prize', but that was during his withdrawal. I absolutely know what you mean, though.<BR>neen and AGB: because the three of us are in very similar situations, your input, insight and your offer of comfort are gratefully accepted and returned. We are a forum within a forum with a terrible situation that is uniques to us. We need to keep in touch.<P>Connor: Thank you for making me look at my husband's pain again instead of focusing on my own. I admit to being self indulgent lately in my wallowing and giving into my anger-even if he doesn't actually see it, I know he must feel it on some level.<P>Lost Her song:Thanks for your kind words and extending to me comfort and care when I really needed it.<P>What a great thread this turned out to be. I hope you all got as much out of this as I did. From the bottom of my heart....

To The Student<BR>I'm really sorry if I came off sounding that way. It was not my intent.<P>To clarify.. I never felt All affairs were about the individual~ verses the relationship.<BR> I feel than in many cases the root cause, is a deep unresovled issue with-in the wayward.<BR> I am sorry for all the pain you've suffered. Believe me I am no stanger to pain either. And I've for one have not alway dealt with rejection in the most mature way IE: I'm ashamed to say I once egged the OW's car. I know totally un-cool<BR> Each case individually is different. I've just made the personal decision along time ago, that no matter how hard things get, I would not resort to an affair. And, yes I have been tempted. I'm not better than you, but for the grace of God I was blessed to have been given a good foundation on which to stand.<BR> That foundation is offered to everyone, the most touching example is how Jesus offered it to Mary Magdaline and the Woman at the well.<BR> As I expressed this in another posting to you (before I had even read your response to me in this posting)I RESPECT YOUR WILLING TO FACE THIS ISSUE HEAD ON VIA THIS FORUM. That tells me how courageous you are. If it makes you feel better, if tables were turned, I'm not sure I could do the same.<BR> I meant no disrespect. <BR>Sincerely,<BR>LHS<BR> <BR>------------------<BR>Lost her song (but trying to find it again)<p>[This message has been edited by Lost her song (edited January 18, 2000).]