I am 37, I've been married almost 9 yrs. My wife is 28. Yes, she married young but I thought we were in love. The last 5 years, she has been in & out of depression (after my daughters birth). I was always faithful and supportive. Practically doing everything in the house because she couldn't. 6 months ago, I was proud of her, she seemed to be turning the corner with her depression. She got job. She was really enjoying her new job and she was gaining confidence. I was thinking finally our lives were going to get better. <BR> <BR>However, 3 months ago she told me she was in love with some one else (a co-worker), but he being a christian man rejected her. He didn't want to breakup a marriage. She got too emotionally involved with this single Christian man and she was hurt the rejection and confused about our marriage. I was hurt but was committed to working on our marriage. I thought we were going to make it. We sent our daughter away to her grandmother's to have some extra time for us. We wanted to concentrate on us. Everything seemed to be working.<BR> <BR>Then, the night that I went to pick up our daughter from her grandmother's house...I returned as fast as I could, but I was two days too late. She had an affair with a different man who was comforting her about the rejection. She says she doesn't love him and does want to see him anymore, but she does want to be with me either. <BR>Now she says, she has never been in love with me. She says she cares about me, but she's not in love with me and never has. She says the passion has been gone for a long time. I feel betrayed, hurt and ashamed. I don't know what to do or what to think? How should I act? She has left the house 3 times (3 days each time without her daughter) and has come back. I don't know when to stop and not let her back or to keep trying? I'm on that emotional roller coaster. I don't know how much more I can take. Now she says she is leaving again. She is not seeing any of the men, but she says she wants to be alone. What should or what can I do? Help me understand!<P>

I have never posted a reply before, but have found great comfort in reading other postings over the past several months. I suppose that this is as time to begin giving something back.<P>I have been where you are. I am still there. We are on the same rollercoaster and the ride is nowhere near over. First, don't believe everything you hear. Most of what she tells you is simply her way of trying to justify her actions to avoid feeling any guilt. Don't make the mistake of living each moment as if it is the defining one. Expect to hear the things you want one minute, and the most hurtful words possible the next. Expect to be lied to and forced to carry the blame for every wrong turn made in your marriage. She is probably (and I'm sorry) experiencing intense feelings of passion with whomever she has been with -- you remember what it was like when you two first met -- and thinks that what she feels now is what your relationship has lacked, that she has connected with someone who can give her something you cannot. Be assured that these emotions are not real. Nor are they permanent. She is living in a fantasy, and at some point, somewhere, she will realize it, but the hard part is for YOU to realize it too. <P>My advice is to stay calm. Stay rational. Don't do or say anything that will give her ammunition to use against you. Try not to get enraged, no matter how hurt or betrayed you feel. Treating her with love and kindness and understanding will make it more difficult for her to walk away. But be firm with her. Let her know in no uncertain terms that she may lose you, and that THAT is reality. You may feel the urge to snoop. That's pretty normal. Just don't get caught or you will next hear her tell you how you have abused HER trust. <P>Remember, you are not alone in this. I have been (still am) where you are. When my wife's affair started, I couldn't eat or sleep. My attention span ran about five minutes. All I could think of was my pain and what was going on in her head. I never did get in there -- still can't -- avoid trying. She is in her own world right now and you will never be able to tell what she is thinking or feeling. She doesn't know so how could you.<P>I wish I could tell you that this will be over with soon. I can't. Just remember that every day, for a while anyway, is going to be different. You may think the marriage is over today, but tomorrow she will tell you that she loves you and can't live without you. And then the next tell you she isn't sure. I have been told how much I'm loved and that everything will be allright as my wife drives over the the OM's house. I have been told I am her soulmate in the morning and that she no longer finds me attractive that night. Its tough. It hurts. But nothing you will feel hasn't been felt by others before. You aren't alone. You will get through it. Don't think you're a wimp for wanting her still -- friends may think you're weak but what do they know? If you really love her, then now is the time to prove it.

Camp37,<BR>Welcome to the forum, Sorry you have to be here but I think you will find that this site a great source of help and understanding. First my suggestion would be to get your hands on some reading material. Espicially " Surviving an Affair " available on this web site. After reading that I had an idea why this occured and what direction I should take with my W. <P>Understand this, Your W is not in her normal state of mind. She is very confused and right now nothing you can say or do will change her mind. You will try like I did but it will be futile, She needs to work this out on her own. She is also feeling alot of guilt, She needs to work on that and it may be some time. Just let her know that you are there for her and that you are willing to do anything to support her. ( I know it sounds strange, you are both hurt but she needs to see support from you ) Right now she needs to see nothing but Love from you, No outburst, No angry finger pointing, Nothing hurtfull. <P>This is also a good time to reflect on your self. Look at your marriage and learn. Don't kick yourself for what you could have or should have done but look at it and learn what you need to change. Remember the best thing right now is time...... Lots of it.<P>I am doing alot of babbling and I'm sorry. My own head is so full of stuff. I just now am understanding that my W just needs to be on her own to figure this out. Like yours, she is not seeing any other men right now. Thank God. <P>You will be on a rollercoaster, Lots of up and downs. When you feel down and angry come here to this site and vent. DO NOT vent to your W. She can't see that side of you right now. No Lovebusting!!!! Sorry thats all the time I have right now but I'll check back later.... Hang in there and good luck<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>

rutger,<BR>i love what you said in your post and I believe in all of it, but... any advice if it should be different since my wife is in her apt (11 days and counting) and has jumped full blast into affair (9 wks since they "started")? I am trying to do Plan A, but not many chances even though we have a young daughter. We still talk almost every day about mundane stuff (normal catch-up stuff about kid/things to do/house) and i am doing no lovebusting. Yes i know her state of mind is not on 'us' or even open to discussing any future. One day at a time is right, but it is tough knowing she is feeling so intensely emotionally attached to OM.