I know it's only been five days since I told my wife about a one-night encounter with another woman 8 years ago, but I feel like she's losing interest in me after 12 years of what has been a strong marriage.<P>I was encouraged by our ability to talk the last couple of days after being completely shut out the first two days after I told her. I was also a little encouraged when she fell asleep on the chair next to me after not being able to even be in the same room with me alone the first couple of nights.<P>I've been sleeping on the couch downstairs all week because she doesn't want me in the same bed. I also told her I wish I could do something other than saying I love her because I know the words sound so hollow to her -- "You should have thought of that 8 years ago". I'd give anything to give her a simple hug or a kiss, but she said she doesn't want me to touch her now.<P>I understood, but last night, things got even worse. She went to bed very early without saying good night, and closed the bedroom door, which we never close. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I took it as a sign that she doesn't even want to be in the same house with me now.<P>I attended counseling for the first time yesterday and told her that the counselor wanted to see her, too, but she said she resents me for it because she thinks I'm dumping this in her lap and leaving the reconciliation all up to her.<P>To make matters worse, this week a bunch of family and friends are going to be in town, and she's feeling tremendous pressure because she doesn't know how she can act like nothing's wrong.<P>I terribly regret what I did 8 years ago, and I want desperately to prove my love to my wife, to prove that our 12 years of marriage have not been a lie, and to prove to her that she is the only woman I want.

If you are sincere..."she is the only woman I want" Give her time. she is feeling anger, betrayal, and confused. The fact that you are still in the same house is a good sign that she is thinking and she hasn't made up her mind. Her big question is how can she trust you from now on? My man, you have to step up to the plate and prove it to her...read the book give her space and let time heal her wounds as well as yours. Be there for her and be prepared for her anger outburst.<P>About your friends and family, I don't know what to say except you might want to call them off. Just say now is not a good time. You have bigger concerns.....marriage

<BR>I just want to throw out a question here. IF this was truly a one-time thing and IF there was no emotional threat to the marriage and IF this couple has been happy ever since, might it not *in this case* have been better to never disclose this? I don't know, I am just asking.<P>My H carried on an intensely emotional and sexual affair for six weeks. He was ready to leave me when he told me what was going on. In our case, I think that he had no choice but to tell. However, given the choice, I might rather not know about a one-time, purely physical incident 8 years ago. (Well, there is the aspect of potential STDs....)<P>Your wife may be going over the past eight years in her mind, day by day, thinking that she was living a lie the whole time. She is probably thinking of everything y'all have done and wondering how you could have (substitute anything here) all the while knowing what you had done. Even if the night was meaningless to you, it has a heck of a lot of meaning to her, especially since it has been a deep, dark secret for eight years. Only "important" things are kept secret for that long. She is going to need some time to process this new knowledge and see how she really feels about it. Just give her time, support her and institute ABSOLUTE HONESTY from now on.<P>I know I'm not making a whole lot of sense here, it is just an interesting question as to whether it would be kinder to suffer a guilty conscience for the rest of one's life if the betrayal would NEVER be repeated and if it would make the spouse's life easier. Tell me if you think I am crazy.<BR>

Read all the MB concepts here. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html</A> .<P>I agree with Dancer. She probably is thinking everything since you've been married is a lie. It most likely wasn't, but it's a very, very traumatic event to find out about. For the last 8 years you have lied to her everyday (by not being honest).<P>It's gonna take her some time to process it and get in touch with her feelings. Above all, be honest with her.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

In some ways I wish I hadn't told her, and my counselor said he would have waited. I was having anxiety attacks from this recently for reasons I have disclosed in other posts here, and I guess someone was trying to tell me that this was one secret that I couldn't take to the grave.<P>I felt very selfish after I told her, but I also felt better that I didn't have any secrets from her anymore.<P>This morning, she went to see a counselor to air out her feelings. I'm so glad she did that for herself, even if things don't work out in the end. <P>We had a good talk today after her counselor visit, and though we have a long way to go, I see a ray of sunshine now where there were only dark, ugly clouds before. She even said she loved me when I told her I loved her, and I can't tell you how sweet those words were.<P>I really appreciate everyone's continued input. I don't think I would have made it these past few days without this forum, and I hope I can help others here the way I am being helped. This is simply an awesome resource.