I'm not sure I deserve or even want to be married anymore. I have 2 kids... that is what is keeping me here I think. Plus the fact that my old highschool sweetheart just dropped off my 8 year old son and told me she didn't want him anymore.....<P>I met this woman, not intentionally, and seem to be drawn.... and no, not because its new or because its an escape.<P>Somethign deep inside me tells me this is right. Even though I know morally it's so wrong. I've seen a counselor already but all that did was talk me into believeing this will pass. It hasn't. I can't stand to do this to my family. They don't deserve it. But I don't know what to do. <P>I've tried not contacting this other woman but all I ever do is think about her. I told my wife, not in so many words... I don't want to hurt her. Her reaction was numb, not at all the reaction I thought I would get. I think ... no, I'm almost certian she could care less. Ever since the kids I mean....<P>I want to be happy, but how can I be if I have this inner personal conflict? My family doesn't deserve this....

You sound a bit like my husband (see my profile for story). I'm sure I seemed numb at first...I sure felt it. He has told me of his emotional bond with this other woman (who is also married). He and I are working on our marriage and on restoring the connection we've lost over the last few years. I think it is working, but will take time. We've spent more time talking in the last couple of weeks than I can recall us spending since kids were born. Both of us are trying to be understanding of the other's feelings...hard at times. But, I think it will be worth it. Good luck!

Welcome <B>Inner Personal Conflict</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>You've come to the best place...<BR>You know what we will tell you... that in and of itself means <B>you</B> have the strength to succeed... <P>Now for my normal welcome wagon spiel...<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A><P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! As a wayward... start on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>. It sounds like something a "betrayed" should do... but believe it or not.. it's really for both of you!<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around. For you, I would also recommend <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0393307077" TARGET=_blank><B>Private Lies :</B> Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy</A> by Frank Pittman... it will really give an insight into what to expect... if you continue with the OW!!!<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here! Even for the wayward... there are quite a few here on the forum... and they too are reaching out and asking for help in rebuilding their marriages.<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on... <B>and</B> believe it or not these feelings will be your's too more so than even your W's.<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.<BR>We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <P>You do sound a bit melancholy... have you considered getting some anti-depressant medication... your "fog" could clear up...<BR>and... the realization that the OW... is a <B>life</B>-killer (not just home-wrecker... marriage-breaker) might come quicker.<P>Use the inspiration you find here....<BR>There is more than hope... more than faith... there is love! <P>If you want to be happy...<BR>truly happy...<P>Get away from the OW!!!!<BR>Start working (yes... real work) on your marriage!<P>If you don't... you will have the sadest life you can make for yourself... Time will prove that to you!!!<P>Stay... and post... and ask...<BR>especially from the other waywards!<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

Thank you Jim for your words. This has been really bugging me alot in the last 3 months but has been going on for almost 2 years. The girl is also married with 2 kids, she's younger than I but her children are older than mine. Our spouses seem to act the same way in the way of neglect, but towards the children it's a whole different story. It seems like everything I desire from my wife is everything she (this girl) wants to give her husband and everything everything her husband does to shrug her off, my wife does to me. once we seemed to go beyond the friendship I asked her what was going on and if she was just reacting to me. She said she can't believe this is happening to her but wanted it to for a while.<P>If I feel this way then I don't think I should be married period not just to my wife. I wouldn't marry again anyway. I didn't believe in divorce before I got married, I can't imagine putting my kids and wife through that. But I don't see how I can live this way. This is wrong but I can't stop it. I'm not sure I want to anyway.<P>I don't want to make excuses or anything but I think this girl is not the reason why this is happening. I think she is merely a messenger to what is to come. It's not her in my life that is making me feel this way. We just seem to be making the other realize that what we wanted in our marriges no longer seems to be happening through no fault of our own.<P>I'm not sure I know what I really want anymore. Just when I think I've found what I need to tell my wife I'm sorry, but I can't stay... I find I have a son who now has come to live with us. Can I love this kid like a father should? Can I make him feel safe? Wil I be able to teach him right from wrong? I have yet to be able to answer that with a yes. Yet if I leave my wife and kids, I leave him too? Or do I take him with me and try to make this boy understand? I think he just went through enough, but at the same time I don't even know him. He looks like me and called me Dad... that was difficult to deal with.<P>I know some may call me a coward and that's ok. I don't really care what anyone thinks of me. I just want t be able to do the right thing and feel comfortable doing it. As for mood swings... oh yeah, up and down and all over the place. Do i mind? I don't think so.<P>I've been to the group sessions, the shrink, read the books, and talked with my wife. Nothing seems to say "This is what you need to do..." I've watched in the background here for about a month or so now and finnally decided to voice myself. Perhaps I may find an answer, perhaps not.

Inner Personal Conflict,<P>Yes... there <B>is</B> an answer here...<P>It is as plain as the nose on your face...<P>It's not sugar coated...<P>It's not easy...<P>But it is <B>real</B>...<P>It is <B>human</B>...<P>It is <B>full of the dignity every man needs to possess</B>...<P>There is no mystery here...<P>Free the other woman of an incredible pain and suffering...<P>Free your wife and children of a deathly pain you have no idea is humanly possible...<P>Free your mind and soul of an agony so murderous...<P>Go to work on your marriage... and you'll grow to be the man of the century...<P>Don't look for praise... don't look for rewards... don't look for what is in it for you...<P>Be the man... the best man you can be...<P>You know the answer...<BR>I know you do... <P>Even if you stray... lose it... make the wrong choice. Hard as it will be for you to believe... and from everyone here who hears your story...<P>We love you...<BR>Believe this... and you've found your answer.<P>Jim

That's just it though... follow my head or follow my heart? I don't know what to believe in anymore. Sometimes I think I do, but then it feels like to much to handle.... either way.<P>I just don't feel it anymore. i don't want to just exist, I want to feel alive again.<P>But how? With who? Do I need anyone to make me feel alive or is it within me? Simply, I just don't know anymore. I've tried, and very hard too. Perhaps more then most men would, perhaps not. What matters is I beleive I have and I have found no hope of surviving this marriage. I don't want my family to suffer because of my turmoil. It wouldn't be fair.

Inner Personal Conflict,<P>You said it man... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I don't want my family to suffer because of my turmoil. It wouldn't be fair.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... you have answered your own question!!! <P>Who says you need to listen to either your head or your heart... there is a deeper "listener"... your soul...<P>A life isn't experienced by what your head says nor what your heart feels...<BR>A good feeling comes from doing the "right" thing. Your quote above <B>is</B> the "right thing"!<P>No... other people will <B>not</B> make you happy...<BR>Only <B>you</B> can do that... but <B>not</B> by doing for <B>you</B>... <BR>Who should you do it for?...<BR>You should do it for just what you fear... <B>surviving your marriage</B>!!!<P>I sense a bit of a problem with maybe more than just your marriage...<BR>Have you seen a medical doctor recently (don't be offended... please)<BR>Have you looked into a possible depression?...<BR>Don't rule this out...<BR>Don't feel it as a fault...<P>Think and act...<BR>Remove your despair...<BR>Seek out help... medical and spiritual...<BR>When you think you can always fix yourself... you might just find out you're wrong! More wrong than you've ever been.<P>You, my friend, are still loved... <P>Jim

Thanks for your concern Jim....<P>I'm sure its just a mood swing.

Inner Personal Conflict,<P>Mood swings come in all different shapes and sizes...<P>If they happen at a bad time...<BR>They can be worse than a depression.<P>Make an appointment with a doctor...<BR>Anti-depressants don't carry with them the stigma they once had...<P>Before you make a decision... give the medication 4-6 weeks to work... please no decisions until then!!!<P>Are the 4-6 weeks going to kill you...<BR>Please wait!!!<P>I'll be thinking of you! <P>Jim