Okay......maybe this is not appropriate, but just as the OW may have opinions and thoughts so do the wives.....Not long after recently I wrote about the things I've learned. It's long, but here goes......<P>The Things I’ve Learned<P>As I look back over the last year, I realize I have learned many things, some of which on the surface appear to be lessons to avoid. But with thought and reflection I realize I would not have learned this much about myself had I not had these experiences, no matter how unpleasant. I now know myself better than I ever have, and yet I feel as if I’m a stranger, particularly to myself. My appearance hasn’t changed all that much, I’ve aged a year, but sometimes I don’t even know my own reflection. It will catch me unaware in some store front window. It makes me pause. At other times, I’ll go in search of a mirror to reassure myself that I’m still me. <P>I find it funny that it took me 35 years to question who I am, and to have this overwhelming need to find out what makes me happy. Heck, sometimes I can not even define happy, so I wonder if I were to find this elusive happiness that all humans crave, would I even realize it! And it sometimes makes me question myself, wasn’t I happy? I thought I was, but maybe my reality was slightly warped. I felt fulfilled, I felt complete, I knew who I was. Now that’s a state of mind I’d like to achieve again, someday.<P>I learned that to every thing there are not two sides, but many. This applies to me, my kids, my partner; to every problem, to every solution, to every emotion. I always thought myself capable and willing to see all the shades of gray. What has caused me to stop and really think about this, is that there are so many sides to emotions. It’s not just happy versus sad, good versus bad, peace versus unease, or love versus hate. And when I start to really look at all the shades of gray, I wonder have I been settling for good enough, or making the best of my feelings? Have I been short changing myself all along? <P>Take the emotion hate. I don’t think I have ever truly hated anything or anyone. You know, I may not have cared for or like someone, but I never felt that deep in your gut, intense hatred. It’s beyond description the way hate makes you feel. And if until now I’ve never really hated, have I ever really loved? I know the feelings of love, but have I felt it at full blown intensity? Like hatred there must be degrees to love. And now that I have experienced hatred at full throttle, do I need to search for something to love at that same level? Or have I felt love at it’s highest volume? When my children were born and even when I think of them now, it’s an intense, makes your heart so full, kind of feeling. Is that the most intense? Or is maternal love excluded from this equation, because of the nature of this emotion? Have I felt the two extremes of love and hate? Now that I have felt hatred, and struggle with it to prevent being consumed by it, I question my ability to experience the opposite extreme. And I wonder, will I need to struggle also with love to avoid being consumed? Can intense love reside in the same soul with intense hatred? <P>What if this is the true reason we are all here? What if this is heaven’s training center, and once you’ve hit the highest and lowest of every emotion, God takes you back into Heaven? What if there’s a quiz for re-entry? And you not only have to describe each emotion, but what triggered it and what you learned from it. This thought brings me both hope and despair. Hope that all this really is a lesson that I may someday understand and despair that I may fail the ultimate test. Maybe I won’t learn the right lesson or the wrong event triggered the emotion. I hope that I only remember how to inspire the gentle and good emotions, that when faced with evil I’ll be able to turn it around. I want to leave this place I’m at, whole, knowing who I am. I wish I wasn’t such a mystery to myself.<P>Another, black and white, with a zillion shades of gray, lesson I need to learn is forgiveness versus retribution. How do I learn to forgive without forsaking myself? I know that retribution is not the answer, and I know forgiveness will set me free from the pain. I struggle with this, and maybe when I win my battle with hatred , forgiveness will be easy. Or maybe I cannot win my struggle with hate without first learning to forgive. I think that might be the case. How does one do this? Perhaps when I learn to forgive the hatred will melt away and I will no longer be a stranger to myself. This should be incentive enough to overcome and forgive. Yet I continue to fight against it. I need a quiet place to hide and feel the hatred, and then to let it go, I need to forgive. This is a gift I need to give to me.<P>I’m learning, but the progress is slow. I am forever changed. I am different then I was, and whether that is good or bad, only time will tell. And new lessons will come and change me again. Over and over. This is what life is. Good and bad, and the zillion shades of gray.<P><BR>I hope I haven't offended anyone......<BR>

Beautiful thoughts. Thankyou for sharing them.

I don't know why you would think that would offend anyone it was very honest look at yourself and your life and us as humans. I know that I have had some of those very same thoughts but since my situation is relativly new I'm still to consumed by the pain and the misery that has now become part of my day. I long for the time when i can really start concentrating on what will make me happy. As for now I just have to learn to deal with the pain and total rejection that I feel.

OnceHappy,<P>What a brilliant and beautiful post! I too cannot see how this incredibly profound, thought-provoking and self-reflective post could offend anyone. This is definitely one of the most insightful posts I've ever read on this forum. I totally agree with you about life on earth possibly being "heaven's training center." I believe it is. And all the painful lessons we learn, or the ones we don't learn, will have an impact on us in the hereafter.<P>As a wife, I thank you for sharing.<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

I can relate to much of your post. I found out about W almost three months ago now. On the day that I found out I was an unhappy, lonely, hateful man. My kids were driving me crazy, I couldn't stand my job, and my marriage...well let's just say that sometimes the best part of my job was being away from the house.<P>On the day that I found out, I had had a bad night at work <3rd shift> and had left early. I had even thought of getting home in time to wake W up for an early morning tryst. I got to the house and started up the steps. To my suprise I heard her voice. Stopping for a second on the steps, I heard her saying things that I thought would only be said to me. I entered the bedroom and that's when my life began to change.<P>To make a long story short, I realized on that day just how much I was missing of my life, and how much I didn't want my marriage to end. To my suprise I began to do the little things around the house that I'd not wanted to do before. I also began to take more notice of her and her feelings...which was a rarity to say the least. We had many many long talks, and our marriage looked at first like it was already over. Today, we are making it work day by day.<P>I notice that I feel much different about myself today. I'm more likely to listen before acting. I also notice that I'm not quite as easygoing about things, and that I find it extremely hard to trust. Lastly, I have doubts each day about my ability to love and care for my W.<P>Thank you very much for sharing these thoughts with me. I see now that it isn't just me who changed when this happened. Now I just need to find the proper way to deal with all these frustrations and anxieties. Thanks again.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>The realization that life is not fair is a pain that lasts a lifetime, but with perserverance and love, the pain can be greatly eased.

OnceHappy--<BR>Your post is really inspiring and from the heart...it should be published!

OnceHappy-<BR>I can relate to everything you have said. I am also "forever changed" but its all for the better. No matter what eventually happens in my marriage, I am a better person. Would have preferred a different route , but I believe God uses these trials as opportunities for growth.<P>Thanks for sharing.

Have to agree with you wholeheartedly. I am also a changed woman, for the better. I never realised before this mess that I didn't really know myself. I am learning every day new things about me and I am excited at the journey. Like many here, I would have preferred a different route but whatever happens, I know I am a better person for it.

Once, I think your post was awesome. I will never be the person I was. Sometimes that makes me sad, I was very trusting, had great instincts, and was very sure of myself. I don't know if I will ever trust my instincts or trust again. I used to be the one that said "my H would never cheat", after all we had many, many conversations about that topic. We had both agreed we would leave each other before either of us had an affair. I was wrong. I was so wrong about so many things. You are right looking at myself in the mirror is sometimes frightening. I look back at the person I was, wanting to die instead of suffering the pain anymore. Today, I have come a long way I am a better person in some ways than before, but I lost my innocence too. I want to thank you for giving me something to think about.

I'm glad everyone found something of themself in my post......I didn't want to offend people, as sometime the things I write are very emotional and I find they can wound people......<P>Everyday is a new opportuinty, take it!

OnceHappy-I have a suggestion Can you post that on every site on Marriage Builders It was beautiful!! Maybe if everyone-I mean everyone-reads that this world can be a better place!!<P>thank you so much

I think you have hit the nail right on the head. That was beautiful and well said.<P>------------------<BR>A.K.A.<BR>PondVJ