Hello,<P>Having a down day. I just spent a soul searching 3 hours painting my Downstairs and as always when I paint I think. My mind went to My H's affair and how much these Internet things are based on emotions rather then sex. Granted My H took his affair to the sexual level once OW moved to NY, But for 6 months thire affari was on teh computer and in thire heads. How does a woman compete with a fantasy??? OW was so Mystical and perfect. Even now when I know H sees she is A bit evil he still thinks of her with love. How does a wife compete with a flawless love??? I do not think I'm the type of woman my H wants. I'm a homebody and Mother. I live for my family and care to do nothing else but just "BE". H is a outgoing attention getter. I'm to PLAIN and BORING for him. I always have been. Perhpa thats why it was so easy for him to cheat....I'm just too boring and dull. I'm NOT what he wants despite what he says. If I was then he would of never went to OW...never had this level of mistrust and unfaithfullness. I'm not looking for answers I'm lookign to like myself again. Can i ever do that with H here....knowing for 6 months I was justa roommate and NOT a "loveable" person? I was NOT good enough.<BR>Confusedwife

Dear Confused, <BR>I understand exactly where you are, but you also need to know that no onr can compete with a fantasy, and that fantasies fade and go away. NO ONE can live in a fantasy world....esp not your husband. If you want your marriage, you must open your heart and put away your negative feelings about yourself and the OW. Your husband needs you right now to overcome the addiction. That means that you must be the REAL one to him. Read this site, completely, and over and over again if you can. Follow the Plan A to the fullest that you can. Take careof yourslef and know that you are a good and wonderful person, and can be what your husband nees. After all, he married you,not the OW!!!!<P>------------------<BR>Susan<P><BR>

First i would suggest you working on YOURSELF! You seem to be void of any self-esteem. I know that affairs make a woman question her worthiness but you are putting yourself through the ringer! Obviously you have beautiful qualities about yourself or else you would have never been the woman he chose to marry. Yes this OW may seem to be perfect in every way, but it is the newness of it all that keeps the fantasy going. When the real world sets in, then his world will come crashing down. Yes, if your H still wants his marriage then you should definitely try working on it. But, you can't make him happy, until you LEARN TO LOVE ALL THE BEAUTIFUL QUALITIES ABOUT YOURSELF, THAT YOU KNOW ANYONE WOULD LOVE WITHOUT ANY QUESTIONS! WORK ON SELF-LOVE BEFORE YOU WORK ON YOUR H LOVE!

The grass is always greener.<P>I feel I could compete better with an emotional/personality attraction than a purely physical/sexual one like was involved in my H's affair.<P>It probably makes no difference when you get down to it.<P>Work on yourself, but I feel you could try to learn what it is that he needs for you to give to him.<P>I have taken the time to watch the football playoffs this year. I have always had a passing interest in football, but was never a huge fan. I never sat and watched the games with the family. This year I picked a team Tennessee (Yea, there still in it) and have also watched the other games too. <P>My H told me the other day how refreshing it was to see me sit down and get excited over football. He also told me thank you. By the way we saw Any Given Sunday and I thought he was going to have to tie me to the chair to keep me from jumping up and down.<P>The point is, this was a major lovepoint deposit and I also realized I really enjoyed it. I am finding more and more of these things in my life and so is he. <P>Making a marriage mutually satisfying means meeting in the middle.

The sad thing is that for me it is the self confidence that he found so attractive in OW. So for me the most unattractive thing is that I am having serious issues with self image. I've always struggled with this, but it's been a lot worse since this whole mess.<P>Does someone know how to go about rebuilding one's self image??? I've read several times - treat yourself, take care of yourself. But I need something more basic. I know intellectually that I have a lot of great attributes. How do I get to feeling this way. Look in the mirror and talk to myself???It occurred to me this morning maybe we could make deposits to ourselves the same way we are trying to do with our spouses.

I'm new to this board. Not sure if I have a right to sling my opinion around, but my heart felt for you, and I HAD to say something. First, you have to find a way to love yourself again. How can anyone love you if you don't? Second, stop putting yourself down for being a mother and a homemaker. Your family should be kissing the ground you walk on for making them your priority in life. So many people forget their families and opt for careers. You are one of the rare ones who knows whats important. Believe me, your H knows what he's got. I seem to be having a different sort of problem. My H realized what he almost lost, but I don't know if I want him anymore. Maybe I'm just tired from all work I had to do to get him back? Maybe we're both experiencing reactions from what we've been through, and should take a step back? You've been hurt and it's normal to be so down on yourself. I've been there, and it does pass. Keep your head held high and make sure your H continues to know what he almost lost just by being you.<BR>Lisa

I have always had a self-esteem problem. That is a tough issue.<P>I used to diet all the time, up and down I went. It always failed. After my H's affair I didn't diet for him I did for me and it worked. I now have to worry about getting too thin.<P>I have worked out for years, but now I work out for me.<P>I am on anti-depressants and I feel that has helped a lot. I went back to school one semester and realized how smart I am. I spent way too much money fixing myself up and bying a new wardrobe, but what I really needed to do was work on me for me. If you approve of yourself (and of course have God's approval) then you will feel good about yourself. <P>My H's always says Confidence is Attractive.<P>There is another thread going on right now "Sound Familiar" talking about this same thing.<P>You must work on yourself, but you must also tell you spouse how to stop tearing you right back down. You must also allow your H to help build you up, but you must want to do it for you.<P>

Hello everybody,<P>Wow I'm so happy you all wrote. That fills me with a good feeling. Self esteem....hmmm I should ahev loads od it. After All i'm 26 mother of a 3 year old, returned to college after almost years out of the school loop to graduate saluditorian of my Nursing class. Self esteem....yeah I should be on cloud nine with all the things I haev to brag about adn feel good about. BUT during my self discovery My H was lieing and cheating. My path to my dreams was built on my H's lack of love in my. Hard to see the improvements I ahev made in my life as positive when they haev cost my My "ture love". AS Schizzo said.....how do i rebuild Myself in My own eyes?? I ahev already challanged the world and beat the odds....I should be full of self love. I think I'm so down becasue this is Due or DIe time. My State Boards are wednesday and I'm so fearful I will fail. My family is like how can Class Saluditorian fail.....well Leave it to me to shock them all. So bottom Line....how do I do it???? How do I love myself??? How do I believe I'm good enough to haev my H love me? I understand about meeting him 1/2 way as suggested here....and I do meet him 1/2 way. But this is about me now and what H has done to ME....this is big adn I'm feeling the self hate and resentment. A delayed reaction of the affair??? who knows. <P>Confusedwife

Hi Confused Wife,<P> I've been where you are...it's been a year since discovery for me and my self esteem crashed big time. I felt old(44) boring and unlovable. Time has helped...I make goals and then meet them. Btw , I'm a nurse too but haven't worked for years to take care of the family. I've also started working out more and have tried to challenge myself everyday. All this has really helped. Plus I read the DivorceBusting forums (hopefulness and midlife crisis threads are good ). I have learned to not take the affair so personally, I truly believe it has alot to do with the betrayers problems(in alot of cases).....I bet you will do just fine on the Nrsg. Brds...I took them 20yrs. ago on 2 hrs. of sleep (too young and dumb to care, I guess) and did fine...YOU WILL TOO!!!.....Lu

Lu has a good point. His affair wasn't about you. It was about him and his needs. You may or may not have contributed, but it wasn't you. <P>You are half of a marriage, but you are also all of you. Remember that and act accordingly. <P>There is so much confusion on this issue. One thing to remember is that taking care of yourself is not being selfish, it is doing what needs to be done so that you can give others what you need to give them.

Hi , I'll tell you what I did , First I lost alot of weight ,not to hard when one's H is having a full blown affair with a Teenage bimbette I dropped from a size 10 to a size 4 and I've kept it off for 2 yrs now .Then I read alot of books on this subject of cheating and why it happens etc. I then went into a full blown plan A ,witch sadly this summer went to a FULL blown plan B witch lasted 3 long months ! H is now back home as of Dec. 2,000 miles away from The teenager from hell .But I took that time to better myself in every way posible. I also did a complete makeover hair makeup etc. I feel like a whole "New" person .That's what got me out of the blues A whole new "ME" Just try to work on yourself ,helps to not think about what H is doing . Hope things work out for you, Katana

Even without reading Harley's books... upon discovery of H's EA (2YEARS ago)that I immediately made improvements. He told me that OW's attractions were as follows:<BR>*Petit<BR>*Athletic<BR>*Full time career woman<BR>*easy to communicate with.<BR> Well, I've lost weight 25lbs... size 14 to size 10(Sometimes 8) Got my first fulltime job, but he still won't let me in enough to effectively communicate or recreate. <BR> My point is you can rack your brain, do cartwheels, but it's about him not you. <BR> It's always a good idea to improve yourself, because it builds confidence.<BR> <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Lost her song (edited January 18, 2000).]

Good posts. One more thought: if there is anything unusual or interesting that you have sincerely and genuinely always been curious about trying, now is the perfect time.<P>You have been very dedicated to achieving worthwhile goals (college, family, etc.). This is something to be very proud of. You mention that your mind is totally focused on family family family.<P>This is great too. But I'm sure there is some idea laying dormant there in your mind that you would find fun and experimental. Riding in a balloon? Horse riding lessons? Dangerous, but rewarding charity work in a rough ghetto in town?<P>These are things that come naturally and will surprise your husband. It is good to break the routine occasionally and show him that you still have a few surprises up your sleeve.<P>Doing just one thing all the time eventually is not good, no matter what you are doing.<P>Try something. Anything. Please.<P>

CW,<P>Sorry I missed this...<P>I have to agree w/the others...fantacies will eventualy end I have to put myself in a position that makes me attractive to my W. In essence I have to become a fantacy to her.<BR>I do this in two ways, one is my reliance on God, to is improving myself. Did you read my thread <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/012063.html" TARGET=_blank>My Lesson In Faith</A>.<P>As far as improving myself it's threefold, spiritualy, mentaly, and physicly.<P>Spiritualy: unwavering faith in God, and putting Him in the drivers seat to my life.<P>Mentaly: Read everything you can get you hands on about how we got in this mess and how to get out. Find a <B>good</B> councelor. I recomend Steve Harley. Find some new intrests and hobbies.<P>Physicly: Our spouces want an attractive spouce, so I have to go out and "paint the barn" so to speak. I have started exercising, got my old hairstyle again, the one she really liked, and I'm getting some new "hip" clothes.<P>Now the hard part, waiting for their world to come crumbleing down...<P>If I'm doing well in the previously mentioned areas it should make tha wait more bareable.<P>Thats all I know to do right now. Hang in...<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR><p>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited January 18, 2000).]

ConfusedWife and Lost her song,<P>Want to hear something ironic? I pretty much fit the description of the OW. Petite, athletic, career woman, no children. When my exH and I started having problems, I thought he hated me and didn't want me because I wasn't the homebody, mother type, as you say. All of his friend's wives are stay-at-home moms. I thought that is what he wanted too, and I began to hate myself for not being more like his friend's wives. I hated myself so much, I turned to someone else to make me feel better about myself. Even if he did decide that he wanted someone completely opposite from me, it should not have destroyed my sense of self-worth to the level it did. What I'm trying to say, in my awkward way, is that you are a valuable person, and that if your H can't see that, it is HIS problem, not yours!<P>I'm probably the last person to give you advice, but I thought you'd appreciate knowing that even people (like me) who have had tons of success in the "outside" world are very capable of being failures in their personal life, and suffer from self-hatred and lack of self-esteem as well. It is a universal problem. The OW is not as self-assured as you might think, otherwise she wouldn't have become involved with a married man.

Amen to the last sentence! A lot of suggestions involve self-improvement, and that is important. But I'm the type of person that even if I were "perfect" would still look for the flaws in myself.<P>I've always been sceptical of the modern ideas of loving yourself and self talk. BUT I think I've stumbled onto something. I tried it yesterday. Decided I would tell myself the things I have been longing to hear from h. The praise and encouragement. What may just come naturally to some (to feel real good about themselves), I would have to plan out. It is working! I might write myself e-mails while I'm at it.

I tried to turn myself in the OW, bleached my hair, started letting it grow out. Even started letting go of some of my moral values. I was trying to be what I though he wanted.<P>I don't do that anymore. NOTE: Many of you know I did have a lot of plastic surgery, tummytuck and implants. I did this to make myself feel better about myself. I know this is a very controversial subject, but it really did work. I won't go into whether anybody else should even consider this because it is such a personal decision.<P>I do feel much better about myself than I did before.<P>One thing all the betrayed people can do that will always make them better than the other person involved with your spouse is to keep your honor and respect. Be the better person. Don't give up your values or change yourself in ways your not comfortable with and always handle yourself with dignity.<P>I am finally starting to like the person I have become. I am very different than the person I was before his affair. After the affair when I drastically changed myself I realized there were things about that old me that I had lost and now missed. I had to go back and find those traits in me again. I have become a balance of what my H wants from me and what I am wanting to be and I think we are both okay with it.

Yeah! that was one point I forgot to add, I thought about it later. Do not, I repeat.. Do not lose yourself in the process! I... like essyboo started to compromise my values.<P>Thank you The student, for your perspective it really helps too. I repect your courage for facing the issues head-on<P>I personally am at a point where I am regaining my assurity, but boy do envy OW's green eye's...I know I know, but for some reason that really erks me....I've heard told that I have certain qualities that make her envious. So like I was saying don't lose who you are! We were all fearfully and wonderfully made, both wife and OW.<BR>