My husband had an affair 1 1/2 years ago, I learned less than a year ago about it, he told me that if there was a possibility of a future together, he had to tell me. I have been through all the stuff that we go through when such a thing is brought out into the open, but I have a problem with understanding that if he truly loves me, how can he want to be with someone else? He now refuses to talk about anything, syas he doesn't want to be constantly reminded of his mistake, but how am I supposed to heal with this floating around in my head?

First read everything here, and maybe try having your H visit this site also. Then maybe he will understand how important it is to you for him to tell you everything you need to know. Because if you still have questions then you will think of all wild scenerios from not having the information that you need. They tend not to ever want to talk about it, to want to sweep it under the rug and pretend it isn't there. That NEVER works. Because then the resentment builds and that turns to hatred. It is amazing how they have no problem doing the dirt but don't want to do the "CLEANING" to make it better. Continue on to this site and read everything.

Welcome <B>ddix</B>, to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>You are obviously going through a stage of recovery... and I sorry for your hurt.<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OW/OM/OP).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>.<P>Your in recovery and need to apply the <B>Four rules to guide marital recovery</B><BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Protection:</B> Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Care:</B> Meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Time:</B> Take time to give your spouse undivided attention.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse.<BR></OL> <P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>, and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6010_give.html" TARGET=_blank>"Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around. There is a post that lists many of these non-Harley book recommendations... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010158.html" TARGET=_blank>Books... books... books... (again)</A>.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<P>We can give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <B>We</B> do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice base on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours... and ask... ask... ask! <P>Ask help from "those in recovery"... put that into the subject of your posts!<P>Have you (even if H won't go) consider going for counseling?.... It can help!<P>My prayers for you. <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

Hi ddix and welcome. <P>We are all sorry that you have to be here. I will back up what t24g has said. I was the betrayer, and one of the things that my W and I did to try to work through this was come to this site together. She also purchased Dr. Harley's book "Surviving an Affair" which we read together. All of this resulted in me being able to talk about things that happened which was the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life. However, had I not gotten things out into the open we may not be together today. All that I wanted to do early on was not to talk about my affair. I just wanted my W to get over it and forget about all that had happened. Please understand. It was not that I didn't care about her, it was that I was scared, ashamed, mad, sorry, and hurt by what I had done. All that I wanted to do was to protect her feelings by being silent. I didn't realize that I had already hurt her more than I could ever imagine, and the lies and cover up actually made things worse. <P>Please try to get your H to visit this site and he will understand that there are people here just like him. The people you will meet here are some of the greatest in the world, and their stories, support, and love has helped us through a very difficult time.<P>Please hang in there. Things will get better if you both try. We will all be thinking about you.<P>fs