I'm taking the risk of Jason reading this before we've had the chance to formally sit down and discuss it. (Beleive me, we have tried in the past.) But right now, I am at the point where that's not a big concern for me. <P>I've had it with certian things! Can anyone relate? Connor? NB? Humm? Brynn? Kyra? Suse? Anyone???<P>Basically I feel that my H gets on a roll and becomes highly critical of me sometimes - especially when he's miserable in general about the state of things in his life. He hates his new job, which he wouldn't be at if it weren't for me cheating. (We wouldn't have had to move and he could have gotten a better one where we were living before.) <P>According to him, I don't do enough around the house. Ok, yes, this place is a mess, no duh, I live here too. I can see the damn dishes, I can see the laundry. Never mind that for years I have shouldered the responsibility of the vast majority of the housework WHILE working full time and doing the shopping and most of the cooking etc. Now it's the same thing, only I'm two months pregnant and enjoying all the wonderful little symptoms that come along with it - mood swings, near constant stand-looking-at-the-toilet-several-times-a-day nausea, headaches, and sheer unexplainable exhaustion. So now he does more around here and lately it's been my privilege to bear witness to comments that never allow me to forget how hard this is on him.<P>Then there's sex. I have told him, please, none for me right now! Please respect my feelings about this... But I guess siince I am the betrayer, there is no room for what I need and what I want. Nope, kiddo, take the back seat and a number - you screwed up, now shut up. No, he's not mean about it. But he does throw these little fits like flipping over really hard in bed, or walking away all p!ssed off when I indicate that I'd rather not right now, no matter how nice I say it or what I promise later when I'm feeling better. If it happens to be in the AM, well the whole day can go sour from there. He understands, but he doens't get it - or he doesn't give a crap.<P>Is there a happy medium here? How can we find it? What can I do to make it better? I am forcing myself to do more around the house now. As for sex, really, its in his approach. Now, the more he pushes the less I want it. <P>This has been a miserable place to live the past couple weeks. I hope it gets better soon, because I need some relief.<P>Khyra

Hi there, i am still pretty new here but feel for you. I respect you for hanging in there. It's hard i understand. Just take a moment now and then to sit down and relax. My wife had times when she was pregnant that she needed to just veg. I realize that he isn't very considerate at the moment, but also realize that he loves you.<P>Sometimes guys care, but they dont know how to show it. When they are weak they dont know how to admit it, when they are scared they appear the opposite. <P>When he does the fit thing or is bummed out about the circumstances. Sit down with him, hold his hand and say "thankyou, its tough right now" scared as he may be or you "Thanks for hanging in with me" <P>Thats it , thats all. As a couple you are trying. Love can be hard. I was reading my wedding vows over yesterday and I was surprised by what I found. I hope you don't mind my going on but...<BR>" It OFFERS you the hope, and indeed the promise, of a love that is true and mature.<BR>To ATTAIN such love, you will have to commit yourselves to each other freely and gladly, for the sake of a deeper and richer life together. "<P>I never thought of it like that... it doesn't say it will happen BUT "it OFFERS" and to "attain" it you will have to work on it.<P>You are doing that. Hold on to it..it hurts but you dont know how many of us wish that we were in the same boat...really<P>I love my wife soo much, her smile, her laughter, her hugs and her love. I am not able to see them that often of late but my memory helps. That and hope for the future.<P>Dont lose hope, you are on the path. Hold on to it, love it and be it.<P>L<BR>J<P>------------------<BR>Now I know I can shine a light to find my way back home...VS

Thank you, J. A good marriage isn't something that just happens to us, is it? We have to work at it. <P>It is good to see this from a man's point of veiw. <P>Not that I'll ever, ever forget, but thanks for reminding me how lucky I am. Even when things are bad, it's still good in general. Now, all I need is a miracle cure for nausea, tiredness, and general blahness! <P>AND a cleaning lady!<P>K <P>

Khyra, if you need some help or a friendly message email me. The support around is so healthy.<P>Firesong@bigfoot.com<P>James<BR><P>------------------<BR>Now I know I can shine a light to find my way back home...VS

Khrya,<P>I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you, as you have given me words of encouragement. I can't really relate YET to where you are since at this point disclosure hasn't happened yet, (I'm willing, but W isn't willing to talk yet). I would just like to encourage you to think long term, think about all that is going on with both of you right now. Be patient with him as he sorts out his feelings. If you can be there for him sexually, it would mean a lot to him I'm sure, if not, you might try to give him a time (very soon, like tommorow or Wednesday) when you can. He should also however be patient with you. I can't imagine even thinking about sex when you feel nauscious. Maybe that would be the way to get it across to him. Think of a time when he had the flu, did he feel like making love then, I doubt it.<P>Hang in there, you are an encouragement to us all.<P>Repenting<P>------------------<BR>Fear God and you will have nothing else to fear<P>Hosea 3

You made me smile. I think it would be wonderful if you could find yourself a cleaning lady!<P>Khyra, I know the feeling of being 2 months pregnant. Your entire body and world is turning all topsy turvey, and this is when react at either their best or their worst.<P>Unfortunately, both of my husbands were not understanding or helpful when I was pregnant. It can be so much better if they were, but unfortunately that isn't always the case.<P>Sometimes they are just plain jealous. Sometimes they are resentful of the change that is happening that they can't control. Sometimes they are going through just as much turmoil inside as you are, without the hormones to help them get through it. Purely emotional for them. And sometimes I think that can be worse - at least we have a physical thing to blame it on! They don't and then they can't deal with it sometimes.<P>Top that off with the changes in location, infidelity, etc. and you have a situation that could really be intolerable.<P>But, Khyra - right now, as unfair as it seems - you need to be the strong one and take the lead. Give him some emotional strength, and ask for the physical strength in return from him - to help around the house.<P>You take the living room - and that is usually the first room you see when you walk in the door, right? You make sure that one looks good. <P>Dishes and cooking can be nauseous, maybe he can take that one. And definitely - he should clean the toilets and take out the garbage. <P>You keep the other stuff picked up, and vacuuming and dusting can go as long as a month before it becomes intolerable.<P>Just take it a little piece at a time, and hang in there.<P>God bless<BR>tnt

Oh Khyra... can I relate to what you're going through. I do think (from my own pregnancy) that some of what you're feeling are those rampant hormonal changes. I remember the complete exhaustion and sleepiness, the nausea (all day long) and when my husband was less than helpful, it was just horrible. When it came to intimacy, either physical or emotional I was the same way, might as well have put a DO NOT TOUCH sign on me.<P>Maybe going out to dinner, getting away from the home environment to talk with Jason would be a good thing, to be able to convey to him just how frustrated you are now and how you do need him to be there to help you out. If you two could talk with one another about what needs and need-NOT's you both have, maybe that would let him realize where you're coming from? I remember talking to my husband after the birth of our daughter and we both said that if we had only talked more openly when I was pregnant, maybe he would have understood more and have been able to help. This is a stressful time for you, but really a wonderful one too!<P>Take care hon, and congratulations on the little one!

Thanks, friends.<P>Repenting-<P>I am thankful that you came to give me some support - I was afraid I was a little too controversial for you at first! Thanks for thinking of me. As for setting aside some time to be intimate, you don't know how many nights I sat here before he came home, trying to get myself into the right frame of mind to be together with him in a totally giving, unhurried way. It must go deeper than my nausea, because many times, my plan has turned to dust. But I'll keep trying! Right now, I'm the opposite of you! (Just Kidding )<P>As for him having the flu, he's usually like a Sherman Tank - nothing stops him! And he runs a little low (admittedly so) in the sympathy dept. especially in light of my affairs. <P>TnT-<P>Yours sounds like a workable plan, one thing at a time, designate certain tasks. We already do this, to an extent, maybe we need to break it down further. I usually unload the dishwasher, and he loads it (since he says i don't do it right ), he does garbage. I will try his one out, hopefully it will help me to do more around here if I have specific attainable goals.<P>PS I'm glad I made you smile! <P>Connor-<P>That's it - thats the way I feel! In a nutshell ... Yes, I agree we ned to sit down and talk it all over. He's been a bear lately, and I've been trying to be understanding, since I am to blame for a lot of it. It's a huge burden to have to shoulder, and I guess knowing this tends to make me feel more reluctant to complain or confront. I just took it yesterday, mostly. Sometimes I feel like I damn well deserve it. But is that anyway to have to live your life?? Is it worth it?? Is it worth arguing anyway? I wonder. He's hard to approach when he gets like this - it's like he KNOWS it's coming and he prepares for it. I hate to admit it but there are times when he can argue circles around me (believe it or not!) I just want to solve it like grown-up without throwing toys or tantrums or someone needing a time-out - we all know how much of THAT I have ahead! <P>Khyra<BR> <BR>

Oh, Kyra - tons of hugs for you.<P>Rebuilding a marriage is hard.<BR>Moving is hard.<BR>Being pg is hard!!!<P>You're plate is full, girl! And so is Jason's.<P>You're heading the right way and gotten great advice - communication. Not the easiest thing in the world under the circumstances, but necessary right now. And you've got the right attitude - one thing at a time.<P>I've been pulling so HARD for you. But look, I thought I noticed something that I hope was just venting in your thread. Blame, screwed up, I'm the betrayer. It bothered me.<P>'Cause right now, what you are is the mother of his child working HARD to make things good. We are ALL responsible for the mistakes and bad judgements we make in life, but once we do what we can to make them right, it's time to be forgiven....and to forgive OURSELVES. I sure hope you have...or you're working on it anyway.<P>You and Jason DESERVE that great marriage you're working on and I know you'll have it. Take a deep breath, take care of yourself and talk!!! You guys will be just fine.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{Kyra}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Lori

Khyra,<P>Perhaps I can help a little from a male point of view. First, having a child can scare something out of a guy. Why? It is training. I remember each of our three children being born. The tremendous fear that I would not be able to provide for my wife and family. Even if the W works, the guy is judged on the financial success of the family. The W gets judged on how the kids and house looks. I know, not fair but that is life.<P>In any event, the fear that I might fail really bothered me, but it was on a subliminal level. It took me awhile to realize why I was so anxious. The next thing guys fear is that what their marriage will be like. Women bond with their children during the pregnancy, but men don't until they see and hold the child. However, in many if not most marriages the children become the primary focus of the W's attention and efforts. The H is moved down the social ladder so to speak. <P>Given the state of your marriage and the affairs, your H is probably seeking some reassurance that you still want him. He knows the child will get first preference and he knows that you have chosen others besides him in the past. Where does he stand? You see the issues here? And as you pointed out the natural fear of being able to meet the traditional male financial role has been diminished by the move caused by the affair.<P>I think your H is very insecure about many things right now. Some of this is very normal but some have been enhanced by the past. He is looking for reassurance (you know, the what is in it for me type of thing). Some of this will change once the baby is born but some of it you will have to take great care to handle properly.<P>As others have said, right now your hormones are running wild, and so are his fears. However, usually by the end of the first trimester the morning sickness goes and nesting instincts start to happen and the bedrooms start changing colors and things start to happen around the house.<P>Hang in there and give him love. He is still dealing with a lot of issues. Some normal and others not. So are you.<P>God Bless You and Your H<P>JL

I understand totally. It's been months since husband found out about the inappropriate friendship thing and I'm still getting those sh!tty little comments. Those comments are always what is in my head when I'm whith the om now. Those exact comments push me closer to the OM all the time.<P>hang in there<BR>londonite