My wife ended an affair last week when the other man left the country. Right now she despises me but tolerates me being in the house. I want to work on the marraige according to the guidance in the marraige builders website, she doesn't know what she wants but right now does NOT want to work on the marraige. Our two wonderful kids are the only thing keeping us under the same roof (thank God for our kids!). Any attempt to fullfill her emotional needs is met with frustration from her that I am pushing her, suffocating her, always in her face. At times just my being in the house seems to be a love buster.<P>I have three questions for those of you who have been down this road before...<P><B>1) How much room should I give her?</B> I want to make deposits in her love bank but when I try it seems that I might be withdrawing units. I really can't tell for sure.<P><B>2) If I am offered a job in a town 3 hours away, should I take it?</B> Could this end the relationship? It's hard to meed emotional needs from another city isn't it? Or would this give her the break she needs to gather her senses?<P>Your prayers would be appreciated!!! And thanks in advance for taking the time to read and respond!

I can remember going through what your wife is right now not too long ago. It was a tough time for me, but needless to say, it was hardest on my husband. He really hurt and suffered because of the things I did.<P>Personally, I needed a LOT of space to make my decsion. I ended up moving to a girlfriend's house for a few weeks to "sort it all out." Given more free time to spend with the OM, I finally figured out what a loser he is and how he lacks so many of my husband's wonderful qualities. How he could never emotionally or physically sate me as a partner. I came back on my own, and not a day or a minute too soon. Many times my husband has told me that if I had waited even one more day that he would NOT have taken me back. My life would be hell right now, I shudder to think. <P>Even though he gave me a great deal of "space," he also let me know how much he loved me. To me at times he was too clingy, too needy for me to handle. But deep inside, I knew that one day I might be looking back on him holding, not letting me go as the last time I ever knew his love. So, even tho he did hold on too tightly a few times, i still came back in the end. WHEW!<P>I feel that my H and I are fortunate in that we shared a very deep, intense love to begin with. Not some lukewarm, marriage-of-conveinience type thing, but a deep bond. I believe that that bond as well as his patience and determination is the greatest part of what made me come back for good.<P>Maybe there is no "perfect" way of going about these next few months or so. Maybe the best thing to do is use the books mentioned in ths site as guidance, but let your heart be your ultimate guide, for each marriage is unique and special. <P>I wish you the best of luck and strength to get through this hard time. From hearing you talk (er, write) it seems to me that you DO have the strength and desire it will take to make it. Sorry I don't have exact answers for you, but like I said, a lot of those are inside you and remain to be seen anyhow.<P>Best Wishes, <BR>Khyra

Welcome <B>hopefull_1</B>, to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>I've been down the road....<BR>Quick answers....<P>1. Give her personal room... but you don't leave the house and she shouldn't either.<P>2. Don't take the job... It'll kill your chance to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> properly.<P>Even though you don't see your deposits in her <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>... they are happening. Be persistant!<P>Now for my normal "welcome wagon spiel"...<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OW/OM/OP).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>.<P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! You are on the right track in following <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>. Keep it up!<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>, and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6010_give.html" TARGET=_blank>"Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around. There is a post that lists many of these non-Harley book recommendations... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010158.html" TARGET=_blank>Books... books... books... (again)</A>.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>We can give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <B>We</B> do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice base on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours... and ask... ask... ask! <P>Again try and stay together. My W is my like yours... and resents anything nice I do... peristance will win her over... but it will take time. <P>Prayers for you... in times of trouble... <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Khyra:<BR><B>I can remember going through what your wife is right now not too long ago. It was a tough time for me, but needless to say, it was hardest on my husband. He really hurt and suffered because of the things I did.<P>Personally, I needed a LOT of space to make my decsion. I ended up moving to a girlfriend's house for a few weeks to "sort it all out." Given more free time to spend with the OM, I finally figured out what a loser he is and how he lacks so many of my husband's wonderful qualities. How he could never emotionally or physically sate me as a partner. I came back on my own, and not a day or a minute too soon. Many times my husband has told me that if I had waited even one more day that he would NOT have taken me back. My life would be hell right now, I shudder to think. <P>Even though he gave me a great deal of "space," he also let me know how much he loved me. To me at times he was too clingy, too needy for me to handle. But deep inside, I knew that one day I might be looking back on him holding, not letting me go as the last time I ever knew his love. So, even tho he did hold on too tightly a few times, i still came back in the end. WHEW!<P>I feel that my H and I are fortunate in that we shared a very deep, intense love to begin with. Not some lukewarm, marriage-of-conveinience type thing, but a deep bond. I believe that that bond as well as his patience and determination is the greatest part of what made me come back for good.<P>Maybe there is no "perfect" way of going about these next few months or so. Maybe the best thing to do is use the books mentioned in ths site as guidance, but let your heart be your ultimate guide, for each marriage is unique and special. <P>I wish you the best of luck and strength to get through this hard time. From hearing you talk (er, write) it seems to me that you DO have the strength and desire it will take to make it. Sorry I don't have exact answers for you, but like I said, a lot of those are inside you and remain to be seen anyhow.<P>Best Wishes, <BR>Khyra</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>