If any of you have read my other posts you know I have found some things that have made me think H is still seeing OW.There have been phone calls,the house that H tells me is a friend of his but I have seen the OW's vehicle there all the time,a phone number that called my house and when I called it back the OW answered.The kicker came today.I happened to see the OW driving down the road so I decided to follow her to see if she went to this house that is H's friends.Guess what?She drove straight to it and walked right in.Mind you my H has been over there many times.When I confronted him with it he had no answer.Oh she must live there too he says.<P>So this morning I wake up to a note that says he is tired of me accusing him and is our marrige worth all of this?He says to him it is not.What am I supposed to do when the OW keeps popping up?So he said to let him know if it is worth it to him and if it's not he will be gone when I get home from work.My question is this.He was the one that cheated in the first place.If somehting looks very fishy isnt it his responsibility to show me he is not doing anything?I said if this is your friend Russel's hosue then lets go over there.If this is really Russel's phone number then call him up.I have asked him to confront OW and tell her he wants nothing to do with her and he wont.Says she is not worth it to him.That if he does it only makes her bother us more.So what do I do?I feel he owes me some kind of proof that he is on the up and up but yet he cant provide any.He is tired of the whole thing he says.Then why not go after her...the person coming between our marriage and not keep blaming me.I should just ignore her he says.How do you ignore all these things that in ever way point to them still seeing each other?<P>Any advice would be appreciated.I know ,aking demands and accusations is nto good.But at this point I dont know what to do>I will not just sit back and let it go on and keep my mouth shut if I am being lied to. Somehow this all has to come to a head.But he refuses to confront her.HELP!!<P>------------------<BR>~~~~~Tammy~~~~~<P>If you love something set it free.If it comes back it is yours.If it doesn't it was never meant to be.<BR>

________________________________________ <BR>"She drove straight to it and walked right in.Mind you my H has been over there many times.When I confronted him with it he had no answer.Oh she must live there too he says."<BR>__________________________________________<P>???????????Single family home or apartment building? If single family home, how realistic is it that he would have been unaware that she lived there? I think you know the answer.<P>He says that "she is not worth it to him" to ensure that it is over.......let's turn this around - are YOU worth it to him to take this step? If she means so little, and your relationship means so much, there should be no question about his willingness to put an end to things and ensure that you are confident that this has happened.(Especially if it would cause you to "rest easy" and feel reassured. If he dislikes the questions/accusations and this one thing would help put it all to rest, what is his hesitation?).<P>I don't think that he is responsible to show you that he is not doing anything but he is responsible to show you that he is committed to YOU and answer your questions lovingly and patiently (and HONESTLY). You BOTH are responsible for discussing this in a caring environment with each other's best interests at heart. <P>I read your profile. After Plan B, to what extent were things about his affair resolved before he moved back in? Did you re-enter Plan A (alone or together?) at this point?<P>If you really want your marriage to work, you should give serious consideration to Plan A and encourage H to do same. If he is unwilling to do so after a period of time (only you know how long you can handle Plan A with little or no cooperation) then it is time to "call his bluff" and agree that your relationship is not worth the REASONS that have you feeling insecure about OW, not the "false accusations" he would want you to believe exist. His "good defense is good offence" behavior can only last so long before you go crazy.<P>Good luck.<P>

Tammy,<BR> I don't mean to criticize, but I don't think you are getting the meaning of plan A.<BR>Read some more about affairs. Your husband is doing the clasic denial in the face of reason. He may never admitt anything to you and keeping confronting him is driving him further away. I will say it for you, yes he is lieing to you. You are not crazy. He is seeing this woman and right now she is easier to be with than you are.<BR> So what do you want? Do you need him to confess and repent or do you want a chance for you marriage to work out even if he never admits to anything? Read more about plan A and accept that he is seeing her. You have enough evidence. Some day he may confess, but only when he feels safe and loved, when you confront him he goes into total denial mode. When he is angry at you it is easier for him to justify what he is doing with her.<BR> I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, I am talking to myself too here, I am only a little further along than you are in this process. Take care of yourself! Lora

Swttmy,<P>Yep, LisaM and Lora are right...<P>Review the concept of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... click <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>HERE</A>!<P>I also have a post that was moved to the Infidelity archive.... check it out... click on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A>.<P>Really basically... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A: Avoid angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, selfish demands, annoying behavior and dishonesty (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A>)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> and then... wherever possible meet some of H's <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>.<P>Not an easy task... because <B>you</B> are being asked here to do all the work... Yes... it s**ks... <P>Jim

Thanks guys,I needed that.H says I did not give you all the facts.I have encouraged him to join and post himself on the board.I hope he will as he feels I have not given every one all the facts.<P>Thanks for honestly responding.<P>------------------<BR>~~~~~Tammy~~~~~<P>If you love something set it free.If it comes back it is yours.If it doesn't it was never meant to be.<BR>