After discovering that my H's "I don't feel in-love with you anyomre" REALLY meant "I feel in-love with X at work", MY feelings are very unpredictable. The relationship is emotional only, and both parties are (he says--trust is hard at this point) avoiding contact. But I swing between anger, love, hate, sorrow, etc. Since he is not continuing the EA, I don't see that Plan A really applies, but I have been trying to be honest about my feelings, w/o being angry. Sometimes I am very angry tho. We did have things to work on in our relationship, and I will happily accept half the blame for the fact that things were not great between us. But, he did NOT have the right to get emotionally entangled with someone else!!! (Yes, part of me knows he didn't mean to, but it is still very angry). My question --what do i DO with all this anger??? Surely if we are trying to work on meeting each other's needs and improve our relationship, it would be harmful to future progress to beat the s**t out of him?

kam6318,<P>I started off so hard thinking about <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... I really missed the entire sense of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!<P>When I welcome "newbies" to the forum... my first advice to everyone... and I do mean <B>everyone</B> is to start on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... even to the waywards...<P>Why...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> incorporates the basic elements of building (and rebuilding) a marriage...<P>From <B>the</B> book... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A: Avoid angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, selfish demands, annoying behavior and dishonesty (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...<B>and</B>... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>...at the same time...try to meeet the (your spouse's) <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>. (page 77 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This... if you really think about it... is not much different from the <B>Four rules to guide marital recovery</B> (page 87 of SAA) <BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Protection:</B> Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Care:</B> Meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Time:</B> Take time to give your spouse undivided attention.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse.<BR></OL> <P>These are slightly different words... but the same concepts!!! (an eye opener... )<BR>With <B>time</B> and <B>honesty</B> will come trust... something all betrayeds desparately are seeking.<P>Your anger definitely needs to be addressed. Counseling for this... maybe is an option?...<P>Look for help at <A HREF="http://www.anger-stress-marriage.com" TARGET=_blank>Anger & Stress Management Communication Skills for Marriages and Relationships in Conflict</A>...<BR>and...<A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks4.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself</A>... a difficult issue but one to ponder over.<P>Prayers for continued strong rebuilding efforts... <BR>Prayers for hatred/anger to melt away... <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited January 18, 2000).]

Jim: thanks for the kind words. Don't take the part abt wanting to beat him up too seriously...I tend to exaggerate at times. My real question is: do I tell him exactly how hurt, angry and betrayed I feel as well as how much I hurt for his pain and confusion? Or do I keep as much of that as I can to myself? I waver back and forth...

Be completely honest, but not hurful.<P>He needs to know how you feel. I'm sure he realizes you are. Talk to him. Open up to him. This is important for both of you. The hard part is doing it without LoveBusting. <P>

kam- my wife says the same thing that she loves me but is not in love.i've been trying to no avail to get her to see that if we could be in a position to work on our relationship that our love could grow back and she would be in love again.<BR>not to be personal but did your husband have a good childhood and did he feel loved as a kid?<BR>my wife had a not so good childhood and realy never felt loved.<BR>because honestly its very confusing to me how someone can say they love you but not be in love. how they want to still be part of your life and want you part of theirs yet continue down the path towards divorce.<P> jb

jb:<BR>Yes, I think he had a good childhood. I think the "in-love" is the old feelings of wanting to be with someone all the time, thinking of them all the time. Personally, I do not think you can be "in-love" 100% of the time over a sustained period of years, but that the love and commitment hold things together in the meanwhile. We had lost touch with "in-love" for too long. But, we are working on things and hoping to find the "in-love" part again and keep it around...<BR>Good luck.