I appreciate Deb's response. I'm wondering if there is anyone else out there who has gone thru this for the second time? <P>Been married now 17 years. Have 1 child- 13 (son). <BR>first betrayed 10 years ago, but decided to forgive and start all over, but with the stipulation that IF IT EVER HAPPENED AGAIN, THEN THE MARRIAGE WAS OVER. That was the boundary that I had laid down. Now, I'm faced with having to make the decision to stay or leave, although H wants me to stay.<P>Our marriage has never been a good one, but I had kept trying in as many ways as possible to make it better. H has a lot of other spiritual, emotional, and character issues that have never been resolved, which is probably the main reason our marriage has been so poor. We could never successfully resolve conflicts. They always seemed to elevate to extreme anger on H part, so problem solving became problem shelving. <P>Over the past year, I have come to realize the disturbing REALITY of our marriage and H lack of commitment, love, and desire to make things any better. In the past he would not ever agree to any couple counseling, so this fall I gave him an ultimatum that we go to counseling or I would move out. I already discovered that I did't even "feel" love for my H anymore, and felt if there was any chance at all of salvaging this marriage, we both needed to go to counseling to sort things out. <P>In the meantime of getting set up with a counselor, to work on our marital relationship, I discovered that my H had another affair 3 years ago. He only confessed it after I discovered some other information that was incriminating.<P>Now, my H wants my forgiveness for the second time, and to stay married. In light of his Long standing behavioral problems, I don't want to be naively trusting and I'm very cautious and curious about his motives. We have both started counseling, separately, and are moving slowly. I may still end up wanting to leave. Maybe if I had had a pretty good marriage despite a couple of affairs, I might be more motivated to try again. However, that has not been the case at all. I really feel like I don't want to be this person's wife anymore. I'm exhausted from all of it. It really appears that only a miracle could change things around at this point. I'm trying real hard to just "rest in the Lord" and to be submissive to His Will.<P>Anyone else been this far? <P>------------------<BR>TwiceStupid

Yes

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was in a HORRIBLE marriage that lasted for 10 years. My (now ex) wife had TWO abortions that I know of. We constanly argued, and I was NEVER right! I stayed with her because I was afraid of what would happen to our children. I knew that if I was taken from their lives, they would be forced to live horrible, lonely lives, so I suffered. Finally, I could take no more. I began to see that the children were taking the emotional and physical abuse that I was not, because I started taking every chance I could to stay away from home. I never strayed, I never cheated, although I had numerous opportunities. I cheated in my frist marriage, and that is the greatest regret I have, and I vowed NEVER to do that again.<P>I finally found a good laywer AND a good counseler, who helped me through my troubled times. I am happy to say that I got custody of the children, and we are all very happy. I am not advocating divorce, just letting you know what I went through. Now, in my third marriage, I have had to deal with yet another cheating wife........sometimes, I feel like Job :-(<BR>

I couldn't find your first post again to rerespond to you.<P>First, not feeling sure if you love him anymore is natural after being betrayed more than once. I think I did it to protect myself, to keep from being hurt ever again by this man I have loved for more than half my life.<P>I can't say I love him the way I used to anymore, and there is zero trust for him. That may be wrong, but thats how it is.<P>Remember that even tho his last affair was 3 years ago (?) for him, it was very recent for you because you just found out about it.<P>You two really need to talk about this, about how you feel,he needs to know that if there are more of these little surprises you want to know now, not later. <P>Don't promise to stay until you are sure you will. After h's last affair it was a few months before I could decide I would stay.<P>This is not easy for the betrayed or the betrayer. And it's going to take time and work, a lot of it.<P>It's really, really hard to get over it when they do this more than once. I felt so stupid when I found out about the last one.<P>It totally disrespected and disreguarded by him. <P>So I do understand those feelings, even today over a year later I sometimes wonder if I did the right thing by staying.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

I feel like you wrote my life story.<P>Unfortunately, KMY, I do believe I am in the middle of discovering OW2. At the very least H and OW2 had a 3-year Emotional Affair (EA). The bottom line is that you are not alone. I wish there weren’t so many repeat offenders, but there seem to be. If you want some of the details, I’ll refer you to my 3 recent posts (all from today and yesterday). But, I do want to share with you that I can relate to some very specific aspects of your situation. So, rather than be redundant, I’ll just use your own words to ID the areas in which I can relate. Truthfully, I couldn’t have made it any clearer than you have. I can relate to SO much of your experience!<P>Like you, I <P>decided to forgive and start all over, but with the stipulation that IF IT EVER HAPPENED AGAIN, THEN THE MARRIAGE WAS OVER. <P>Our marriage has never been a good one, but I had kept trying in as many ways as possible to make it better. <P>H has a lot of other spiritual, emotional, and character issues (as do I, I suppose) that have never been resolved, which is probably the main reason our marriage has been so poor. <P>We could never successfully resolve conflicts. We don’t get angry at each other, H just ignores me, refuses to discuss, and totally withdraws.<P>In the past he would not ever agree to any couple counseling (begged for years), so this winter I gave him an ultimatum that we go to counseling or I would move out. <P>I already discovered that I didn’t even "feel" love for my H anymore, and felt if there was any chance at all of salvaging this marriage, we both needed to go to counseling to sort things out.<BR> <BR>After the first 3 sessions with our counselor, to work on our marital relationship, I discovered that my H had another affair which began 3 years ago and may (for all I know) still be going on. He claims it was only emotional, I’m not sure I believe him.<P>He only confessed it after I discovered some other information that was incriminating. <P>Now, my H wants my forgiveness for the second time, and to stay married. <P>In light of his Long standing behavioral problems (and my own), I don't want to be naively trusting and I'm very cautious and curious about his motives. <P>I'm exhausted from all of it. <P>It really appears that only a miracle could change things around at this point<P>I do need to say that I’ve also had an affair, and believe me, I’m no saint! But, I did trust that we were both beyond our affairs and I trusted that we were being honest and working on our marriage.<P>Best if luck, KMY!<BR>FC<BR>