2Blue - I am sorry you are going thru this. I have the dubious honour of being on the other side so maybe something of what I've experienced will help you and your boyfriend. <P>I am copying a post I put out earlier today (I don't know if this will work), maybe you see some similarities in my behavior and your boyfriends. I honestly can't tell you why I went so nuts on this - but he probably feels as confused and panicked as I did. <P>YOu don't say he's talked about this to anyone, but I can tell you say that once you mention any suspicion, almost everyone you ask will try to convince you that you're right. Everyone is telling you that you're niaive (sp?) to believe your mate, and that you need to find proof. Don't believe anything they say because they won't admit until you've got iron-clad proof and they have to admit it to have any hope of saving your relationship. It becomes (at least with me) a vicious circle. When I posted this board, it was the first time anyone suggested any alternative. <P>Why did it happen after years of feeling secure and trusting? I don't know. But it is very painful to live thru ... <P><BR>... <BR>I'll jump in on this one, because I'm the offending party - I've been accusing my H of an affair he still denies. I posted my story to a couple of different sites when I was in the stage of wondering what was going on. Almost everyone answered if you suspect, then go with your instincts. Fact was I had suspicions, - there were lots of signs, working everyday, weight loss, being distant, avoiding me in the evenings, lack of sex, etc. The answers I got from my posts sent me into a panic mode and a depression. Everywhere I was being told I NEEDED proof. But I had no proof - and believe me, I checked - everywhere and everything - I was obsessed. No odd receipts, no phonecalls, no late nights, no discrepencies with payslips, no drinking or going out with he boys. I did find a hidden stash of money and I monitored it. Before Xmas he disappeared one Saturday for the entire day and so did the money. I was going crazy. That night I sneaked down to check his car and found the trunk loaded with gifts. I have never felt like such a slug. I felt like I was being sucked into a black hole, losing my self-respect and dignity along with my marriage. <BR>When I finally got the nerve to ask him, he wasn't defensive. He said he thought maybe I was having the affair, given my behaviour. I believed him. We agreed to spice up our relationship, and immediately things changed. The romance was back in our marriage, and we were really talking again. Ok, things are great, right? Well …. Not when you're like a dog with a bone. On the one hand, I rationalized if there really was an affair, would he have switched off her and on me overnight? There were other signs that perhaps he wasn't getting tons of sex outside - we won't go into the details. But I kept going back to the issue, , trying to clear up all my doubts - why didn't I ask this question, that answer doesn't make sense, etc. Eventually he got defensive and I finally shut up. I deliberately put it out of my mind. <P>Shortly after we resumed our sexlife, I began having "plumbing problems". I went to the doctor, at my H's urging. (there are things in my medical history that give cause for concern in this area). The doctor asks whether there is a chance of a STD. Well, that's enough to start the ball rolling again! Back I go - beat that horse! Who cares if his legs are flailing in the air! H says there's no way, impossible, if it is positive he'll sign over the house, the cars, the bank account, everything. Anyhow we wait for the results - me scared to death, him madder 'n hell. The doctor says he doesn't want to give the results over the phone - can I come in? You guessed it - one last whip, bullet between the eyes. To his credit, H calls before & after Dr's appt to reassure me. Tests were clear, hormones whacko, Dr wants to refer me to specialist. Now I get to creep home with my tail between my legs. <P>H is still hurt and asks why didn't I believe him? Says he would never jeopardize my health, woulda used a condom (he's a sick man, my H). One of those new ones that … he nursed his shoulder the rest of the day.<P>Everything I've done is so completely unlike me its hard to imagine that I was the one living it. I'm just starting to feel like I'm not drowning. <P>M.<P>
