I really have a big conflict with my husband that has left me with many thoughts. His mother is like many I have read about here. However, I haven't read where a mother-in-law has been confronted. Me and my husband dated for 8 years before we married almost 3 years ago. My husband has told me for years that his mother was trying to split us up. I never believed him. I was quite close to his mother and told him he should count his blessings because many wifes do not get along with their mother-in-laws. Trying to make a very very long story short....She has been through 3 husbands and has two children (different fathers), was a stay at home mother mostly, and now does not want to work. She has been labeled as hard to get along with by ALL who know her (children, mother, sister, etc.) She has used our 10 1/2 month old son as leverage to get my husband to do what she wants him to do (i.e. She wouldn't watch the baby one night because her hedges weren't cut). She has made racially slurred comments to me about being Italian which I have always blown off. However she made a comment to a my mother one day and tried to brush it off with laughter. My mother was offended. I told my husband and he decided to tell his mother she couldn't talk like that to my parents. His mother became very upset with me and my mother. She said it was ridiculous for my mother to be upset since her husband is Italian, not her. I tried to blow this off too out of respect for my husband. She ignored me for 2 weeks thereafter. She has always complained of her son and how he has not turned out to be what she has wanted, or how he always has an attitude or how "bad" he treats her, or that she believes he is an alcoholic (4 beers a week does not make one an alcoholic). She one day "confided" in me that she didn't know why I married him, she personally thought he was a "LOSER". I disagreed with her immediately and felt compelled to tell my husband. By the way, she has also manipulated her way into the caring for our son so that she would be paid what daycare would get and not have to go to work. In the meantime, she made some very upsetting comments to her daughter about me being on a "high horse", etc. I got upset and went over to talk to her. By the time I had got there, she was very mad, and said she would not discuss anything with me after what I told her son (him being a loser). I told her she should have never told me that. I asked her repeatedly why was she so upset with me and that we should work this out somehow. She finally said this was about my "damn mother". I felt the fire rage inside me. Then she proceeded to "and the way your family lives". I was outrageously angry and let her know we were not having a discussion in comparison of families. I called my husband to come over there. Meanwhile she went on to tell me I treat her like ****. I cannot even imagine where she got that from since up until then I had only done good by her. By the time he got there, she had totally changed her attitude. She was calm and cool and of course I was still mad, unable to calm down. I told her she could not keep our child anymore and she couldn't understand why I was "taking away everything that ever meant anything to her (our son and my husband). I explained that there was no way I could come there twice everyday to drop/pick him up knowing how much she hated me. My husband took her side. He says he didn't but he did. He later stated that I should have had more respect for his mother than to talk to her the way I did. She is now playing the victim out very well. We paid her two weeks worth of pay and I have made sure my husband brings our son over to see her every weekend. He says this puts him in a big bind. But also, resents how she has raised him. As much as she is involved in our lives or now his (because I am free), this has caused a huge problem in our marriage. It has made me question his love for me, not our son, but me. I feel like an intruder on his life. I have told him I would apologize to her for the "WAY" I acted but nothing more, because I didn't do or say anything hurtful to her. He decided to tell her that I would apologize if she would. Her response was that she didn't owe that ***** anything and she isn't giving her a damn thing. I don't know what to do. This whole thing is driving me nuts. My husband says he wants me to drop it and that he needs time to sort through it all. He says he wants to cut all ties with his mother, but it will take him some time. I never asked him to do that. I just want us to come first. Please tell me you have some suggestions. Please help me. I feel like our marriage is falling apart.<BR>Thank you

Wow.<P>Actually, re-reading your post leads me to think that you are acting pretty wisely. Offering to apologize was a good idea. If anything would get you off the defensive and prevent your MIL from being seen as the victim, that would be it. And I cannot think of a better idea than getting different day care for your child. You don't want to put yourself and your husband into that kind of situation. <P>My first reaction is that your MIL has too much time on her hands. This is another good reason to not pay her money. A job might be a good way for her to begin to learn how to get along with people, when trying to laugh off the fact that you have just insulted them does not work terrifically well. <P>To insult your son to his wife is about as offensive as you can get and stay out of jail. I can't advise you on dealing with that, other than to say you seem to have been a bit more than restrained in your response. You will have to put a quick stop to all such comments (as well as the ethnic insults) in all your future dealings with your MIL. Ignoring it will not do. When she does do something out of line, you will need to look directly into her face and say as assertively (not angrily, but making it quite clear you mean business) that you will not listen to such stuff. Then change the subject without mentioning it. If she persists, repeat the same thing, word for word. If she can't drop it, leave, and tell her you will be back another time. <P>Overall, I can't think of any advice better than what you are doing now. Whether you shut off all contact or not, you will need a little more distance in your relationship with your MIL, which you have been doing. <P>The only thing you might consider is being especially supportive of your husband. He is in a very uncomfortable place, between you and his mother. You are his wife, and you need and deserve to come first, and it sounds like he is (somewhat reluctantly) trying to make that happen. Frankly, it sounds like he is more used to being insulted by his mother than you are, so his reactions are not the same. The fact that yours are is a good thing, especially in terms of changing the situation.<P>Good luck. When you choose a spouse, you get a whole family of new relations, and working this out is no bed of roses.<P>Regards,<BR>rs0522