My husband and I have been married for 7 years and the argueing is still as bad as it was in the beginning. We got married very young and basically because I was pregnant. When we fight it is like the whole world is exploding. We can't have a disagreement, it always ends up in a full blown battle. We yell and curse at each other and there has been some physical and a lot of verbal abuse. We have two children and we really want to make things work but it feels like we are hitting a brick wall. I went to counseling for 2 months and then ran out of money. My counselor said we should go seperately at first. My husband is not willing to go to counseling.I thought that after 7 years of marriage things would be better. Am I wrong? Should it be better? Please help????

Brandi,
<br>They call it the seven year itch, however the fact that you and your husband have identified the problem is a start down the road to curing it. The answers can be found in the Marriage Builders Basic Concept pages. And the solution is to open up dialogue with your husband in a non judgemental way. Exchange your views toward a compromise of your shared problems. Throwing blame won't get you anywhere and will get you stressed.
<br>I suggest that you read the Infidelity section, where you will find many other couples who are coming to terms with worse problems than you have experienced.

I have a lot of needs that my boyfriend doesn't fill. I honestly try to fill all of his and I make his happiness my first priority. But I still need mine filled. When I try to talk to him about this and explain how I feel, he tells me I'm imagining things and he treats me "just fine". Well, if I'm unhappy with how he treats me, am I just imagining feelings like that? I don't think so. All I need is to be respected, loved, Affection, attention,etc. Pretty much what any woman needs. Just the basic emotional needs. How do I get that from him without him getting mad at me for expressing my needs and feelings?<p>[This message has been edited by lyssa.]

Be thankful your NOT married to him.
<br>this has gone on 36 years in my marriage.
<br>some men are incapable of expressing so
<br>if you think you can live with it and not beg and grovel and just meet his needs be happy with that otherwise there might NOT be much for you..
<br> mine is to the point..he is gone now..he left..he also is handicapped I feel like I WAS USED..so be careful and therapy MIGHT help at least the therapist can validate you.ours told me it sure looked to him like I was right ..I WAS USED...shrug..I am wishing you the best..just speaking from experience and a broken heart..

I posted above on 25/8/98 and having read each of your replys I am wondering how you would deal with my situation where whenever my wife and I argue it seems like another nail in the coffin which has killed our relationship to the point where my wife has walked out on me and refuses to discuss anything with me, including our kids, home etc. It seems to me that in a good working open marriage relationship, that couples will argue from time to time but will get on with life and not harbor grudges or resentment toward each other.
<br>I only wish my marriage was this way, any suggestions?

Chris,
<p>You are right. A couple should be able to argue and move on. But some people, due to upbringing or other things, are unable to do this. A question I find myself asking "Is my H really giving me everything he can?". I have studied his family and found a pattern. Our marriage is significantly better than his parents. In his mind he has achieved a higher level. He is even proud of this fact. From my point of view our marriage does not even begin to compare to that of my parents and other people I know who have truly great marriages. When I try to tell him of the things I need he honestly thinks he is doing them. I think because of his upbringing he is unable to truly see what is missing. It's like the quote "You never know your missing it if you never had it". Now I will have to say that I hope someday he will be able to see this and things can get better. I am doing all I can to get him to see it. Only problem is, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. I also think part of the problem is that it is easier to blame you for the problems than it would be for her to look and see what she might have contributed to the destruction. It takes two to tango and until both parties are willing to take some of the blame (and yes sometimes it is lop-sided), things can never get better. I wish I could tell you some secret that would get your wife to realize what is going on and come back to you. But just like with an alcoholic or a drug addict, they are not going to change until they themselves admit it to themselves and truly look at what their lives have become. I wish you luck and my prayers are with you.
<br>Steph

Steph,
<p>Thanks again for replying, I feel like you are watching over me.
<br>You are right, as with your own situation there is the problem coming from childhood broken home senario in both my wife and my situation. I know that I can handle my past by simply ignoring it because my parents split happened in the 1950s and therefore does not worry me.
<br>My wifes situation is more recent mid 70s and she has a close bond with her mother. I always said there was three people in our marriage and now my wife has sidelined me in favour of her freedom and to enable herself to get close again to her mother. About ten years ago my wifes twin brother became manic depressent and began to do crazy things. He is okay now but has a strong willed wife to guide him 10,000 miles away in NZ.
<br>When my wifes parents divorced, her mother left NZ and moved to Ireland with the kids whilst their father had no further contact with them.
<br>Now I feel that whatever close relationship my wife had with her mother when she was young has continued into our marriage.
<br>I feel that the whole cycle is recuring for my wife and that she is somehow recreating events from her own childhood whereby our relationship has come to an abrupt end without any logical reason apart from an accumulation of relatively minor arguments over the past while and short term financial difficulty after a business failure. My wife has taken our four kids together with most of the furniture out of our home and begun renting a house a short distance away.
<br>What hurt me most was that she only told me the night before she was leaving that she had arranged all of this and I felt totally betrayed and bewildered.
<br>On the day they moved my wife told me to say goodbye to the kids and left it to her mother to tell me that our relationship was not compatible, that my wife no longer loves me and that we have nothing in common.
<br>My wife and I have been together for eighteen years, we have our own five bedroom house on two acres of land, four kids, vehicles and everything else.
<br>Now I am alone in the house whilst she has moved into a small three bedroom house with a tiny yard. The logic of it doesn't make sense to me at all except for knowing that her mother is guiding her through this. Most of all I hate losing my kids.
<br>Again thankyou Steph, and I wish and pray for better times ahead, courage, strength to face each day (six weeks now). Life can be a b**ch, don't you agree.
<br>Kindest regards Chris.<p>[This message has been edited by Chris.]

Steph,
<p>Was just thinking again about the above senario and I got the spooky feeling that just as my wife has told told me to say goodbye to our kids. I wonder was the situation the same when my wifes parents split. I wonder did her mother tell her husband to say goodbye to their kids before she departed from NZ.
<br>Just a thought! And maybe I should ask her.

Chris,
<p>Go over and talk to her. Don't give up the love you have for her and the kids. She herself couldn't bear to tell you that she doesn't love you anymore but asked her mother to do that for her so use this knowledge to your advantage. Sit down and talk to her alone. See what is bothering her. Find out the reason why she left. She couldn't have left an 18 year old marriage had there been nothing to upset her only on account of her mother. True, she could be a helping factor but she could only have aggrevated a problem, may be small, rather than solving it. You wont know unless you ask and make an effort towards making your marriage work.
<p>You clearly mention all the material things that you offer her in your marriage and although these are an important aspect, it's the emotional side that touches a woman more. Ask yourself, have you been attentive enough to her needs.
<p>Don't give up on your marriage out of pride but rather take pride in the fact that you'll be putting in the effort into making it work.
<p>Give it your best shot and good luck.