When I decided to get married I just knew I had met the man of my dreams. He was so nice, respectful, and loving. I was only 20 and did not want to get married that young. (My family was very dysfunctional, my mother and father, both carried problems from their childhood, and were always negative towards me and my sisters, and also caused a lot of self doubt and shame for me.) But, I was sure that this man couldn't be any better for marriage, and that I was making the right choice.
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<br>I asked all of the perinent questions before we got married; about his finances, kids, future, etc. He had a career of traveling, and asked me to put my career on hold to travel with him. I married him, quit my job, and moved 400 miles away with him. It wasn't even a month when I found out he was in serious debt from his mother and brothers using his credit, His mother was actually controlling his money and bank account, she was very rude to me, and he started being controlling and rude to me.
<p>At first, even when I knew his mother was controlling, or interfering, I thought that maybe it was not against me, but just her nature. So, I was always nice to her because I did not see that she was trying to get us divorced. Later, it started getting worse.
<br>She would call on the phone and hang up on me many times a day, and when I asked her why (I dialed back) she said she only wanted to talk to her son. We also would visit her at her house every time my husband was home from work and traveled 400 miles to see her every week. He put her first and catered to her, but that wasn't enough.
<p>For seven years his mother showed extremely rude behavior and hatred towards me, and her other two sons went along with her since she controls them also. She would make up horrible lies about me (which have come back to us).
<p>His brothers believed her without even calling us to ask if it was true. Since she is retired, she spends her day trying to cause extreme strife.
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<br>They [his family] would actually come in my house and eat a dinner that I cooked, without acknowledging me, go into another room and talk without me, then leave.
<p>His mother would stomp around if we wanted to visit with anyone else on a holiday. So we would go to her house. As an example of how she treated me, one Christmas, we went to her house and they all opened gifts and did not say a word to me (this was after 5 yrs. of marriage). She said "Now that my boys have opened their gifts, I'll open mine" After she opened hers, she said "Here's something for you, Sue" and with a hateful look, she threw a little box at me. It was a very cheap childs necklace. It wasn't the type of gift that was the issue, it was the message that she was sending me, and I don't understand why the "boy's" do not notice. They are all over 35.
<p>My husband did not stand up for me for over 7 years, and without his support, I would get too afraid to have a confrontation with her. I think my husband abused my trust and neglected me in these 7 years because of the sick state of mind and all the false views his mother instilled in him like "don't put your house in your wife's name" and "Wive's come and go, but your mother is always first", and the general message she instilled in them against other women. These statements seem small but the wounds from constant exposure to her words and actions are great.
<p>After 7 years, I had our first baby. I had serious surgery after delivery and was in very bad pain, as well as regular pain. Instead of coming in and visiting, his mother would stop by every half hour for five minutes and did not even acknowledge me. She constantly awakened the baby and was extremely rude. One day, while I was at the store with the baby, she came unannounced to our house, and helped herself in, fulled around with my computer, and left a note "I'll be back to see my Grandson". She then went and got everyone up in arms, telling them that I would not let her see the baby, all while I was at the store. It was after this, that my husband really saw her obsession and sickness, and realized that he should have confronted her long ago.
<p>Yet, he continues to take out the anger on me (by being indifferent to me and disrespectful) instead of dealing with her.
<p>I have nagged him about this and his poor behavior in the past, but have never done nor said anything hurtful, like these people (and my husband) have said and done to me. My husband witheld affection, sex, and was rude to me for so many years, that I lost intimate feelings for him.
<p>But, at this time I also had an extreme self growth and spiritual awareness, and was able to let all the baggage go and forget about it, and forgive. I was so happy and felt like starting over in our marriage. I spoke to my husband and he agreed that he would do it.
<p>He then continued to do the same old things, like taking control of the checkbook, getting us behind on the bills, withholding affection, being uncooperative, and letting his family come into our house and be rude to me and my son (as well as himself).
<p>After 10 years now, I have no feeling or desire to go any further with this marriage, yet I worry about my son. My husband says he will not let his mother go without seeing my son, even if she shows hatred towards me in front of him. He says that she won't do it if we divorce, although she always does now and always has. My husband and his mother have put me through very horrible treatment, and my husband did not deny it in front of my sister. However, I believe that my sister, thinks like I did 7 years ago, and wants me to continue to believe that my husband will change because my husband told her that he will change it. (He told her what he and his mother, and the rest of the family have been doing) I've heared this for 10 years [how he will change it]. She only heared it once.
<br>When I called my mother about it(my mother not knowing that my husband had already told my sister what happended), she said she doesn't believe he and his mother would do a thing like that. My mother and his mother have never even said more than hello or goodbye, and have only seen each other in the last 10 years, maybe, 3 times. (I never told my mother a lot of what happened because I was afraid that she would put me down) I'm surrounded by very sick people and do not know who to trust to talk to. Can anyone help me? Should I try to work this out? What do I do? Thanks for listening.
<p>[This message has been edited by Sue.]<p>[This message has been edited by Sue.]