My husband and I have been married for 13 years and we have 2 small children (2 and 1). Our marriage was extremely happy for the first 10 years. Then, we decided to move to another country and start a new business when I was 7 months pregnant with our first child. My husband has a demanding schedule with the new business (7am - 11pm Mondays-Saturday, and works most Sundays). Most of the time, he is working along side a female employee (recently divorced after her husband complained about her spending to much time with my husband, among other issues). My husband has completely shut me out of his professional life. Needless to say, our family life is miserable. I suspect he is having an affair, but he denies it. I love this man and want to make our marriage work. (He claims he does not have the time or desire for counselling) Does anyone have any suggestions to get back on track. My small children deserve a happy, two-parent home.
<p>Thanks!!!

Mary, my situation has some points close to yours.ANd I'm not sure what kind of advice I can give because I don't know what to solve my problem either.
<br>What I can tell you is that the kind of schedule your husband has at work, is extremely dangerous. #1 he will probably be tired all the time, and there will be no time for communication, or even some recreatinal time together. You mention 2 kids, that takes even more time from the time for the two of you to be together.
<br>#2 It's obvious that with that schedule, he spends more time with other people that work there than with his family. ANd any breaks he might have will be taken with that people, which, in case it is a female will give her a good advantage in case she wants to take it. #3 you will be starting to feel the pressure, he is not there as often as you might need, and will start reacting differently to him, even when you don't notice it.#4 At the same time number 3 happens, you might start feeling guilty for wanting more time with him, when obviously he is working har to provide for all of you, and that might get you depressed.
<br>I am basically talking about what happened with me, but there seems to be a pattern repeated in many marriages.
<br>I know for a fact that my husband is having an affair with a coworker, I know that he feels like he doesn't love me anymmore ( what a surprise.. she's right there all the time without a care in the world). and he wants out of the marriage.
<br>But your doesn't seem to have gotten there yet so here's what I would have done, had I not been to sick to notice what was going on:
<br> Make sure that communication does not fade. It is very important, that you keep talking ( but please keep all doubts about the affair for yourself for now. AVoid bringing the subject up)
<br>Even if it seems difficult try to make some time to spend together, doing something you both like, or occasionally just something even it's something your husband likes and it's one of the" it doesn't really matter to me" things to you.If you have to, get a babysitter to stay with the kids.
<br>Surprise him. Book tickets for something you know he would like to see, if at all possible for him to have a weekend free, get him in a plane even if it's only to somewhere close, and have a special weekend.
<br>Make sure that you remind him you love him, with actions more than with words.
<br>Make him feel that he is important to you, show him you're proud of his achievments.
<br>When in a nice mood for talking, show him gently what your needs are and see if he can tell you his. Maybe you will find out that your needs are very different from yours, or at least that he is ranking them differently. And we always have the tendency to do, what we would like done to us. Meaning, if at the top of your list is for instance the need for companionship, you will try to provide him eith that, but it turns out that at the top of his list is his need for financial security. In that case there will be a bit of a clash.
<br>I hope you understand what I'm trying to say, find out what's more important to him in the relationship, then provide it. Then wait and see if it works. If it doesnt them, you will have to get to plan B.
<p>I am telling what I wanted and should have done, and never had a chance, and now, even though he is still home, it seems that it is too late. DO try it, if you feel iit aplies to your situation.
<br>I hope everything gets much better.
<br>Take care,
<br>Ana

Sorry, by mistake I posted the same thing twice.
<br>Take care,
<br>Ana<p>[This message has been edited by Ana Baptista.]

i'm a man, so for what it's worth:
<br>like it or not, men are visual - you should always, dispite the effort, dress and look better than your competition at the office. the odds are she's in fitted skirts, high heels and well groomed. if you've let yourself gain weight after the baby, LOSE IT! dress a bit suggestive whenever possible. an open button, tight jeans/skirts, send out the "signals". heck, men think about sex every 20 minutes right? you're his wife right? be sexy at night, but not too aggressive, let him come to you.
<br> don't get caught up in the "mommy" housewife thing, you're still his wife and lover.
<br> it might be a thought to spend some time with this woman too. make her feel a bit uncomfortable. you're making it too easy for them. drop in unannounced now & then. can you have lunch or dinner at the office with him? meet him at a motel for a romantic lunch? you have the inside track, if you play your cards right. you have his ring on your finger, you have children with him, and he sleeps in your bed. you had a great life for ten years with him. why? how? what changed?
<br>
<br> i'm divorced. trust me, the problems it causes with the kids make it very difficult. save your marriage at all costs if you can, but don't loose your self respect.
<br> if it gets too bad you might consider a show down. the job or his family. if all else fails go to a lawyer and have him send a letter to your husband it may shock him into reality. he might see all he'll lose, including all that business he's building up. not for nothing but, he doesn't seem to be too much of a "family man" with a wife & two small kids at home and away 7 days per week. how was he before the children? were they the trigger in the change? does the woman at the office come with kids?
<br> hey i'm nobody from nowhere but those are my thoughts. a final thought, you can change yourself, but it's hard to change someone else. change yourself into what he once loved or what he would love now if it means that much to you. good luck, be strong.

Mary,
<br>I too am a man, and for what it is worth, it seems to me that your husband has allowed himself to substitute money and success for happiness, and consequently you and your children are suffering. Sure, a career is important. But there can be no substitute for a happy and well adjusted family unit as well as a happy and fullfilling marriage. If you truly love this man then you have to do what ever it takes to save your marriage. Unfortunately, that may entail some painful decisions on your part. If you suspect he is having an affair, then there is only one thing to do , confront him and the co-worker. As with any issue of infedelity, it wouldn't happen if he truly loved you. But if in doubt or if he denies it, then other steps must be taken. Make yourself more desireable to him. be the sexy woman he fell in love with. Don't sacrifice your self-esteem to do this but try and remind him just how much of a woman you are. Try to make him understand that you are at your wits end as far the way you are being treated. Look at yourself, and determine if there is anything you could do to make things better, not just for him, but for the family as a whole. You must remember it takes both to make a marriage work. After so many years surely you know him better than anyone. Finally, it make take some shock therapy to make him see just how desperate you are. I too am experiencing difficulties in my marriage (see John_98 ) and I know what you are feeling to some degree. Hang in there, love is what makes this ol' world go round.
<br> John_98