First, I would like to say that I Love my wife very much. But now, I do not now if I can trust her. Please, someone tell me different.
<br> My wife and I have been together for 3 years. We have 20 month old twins together, we have an adopted 5 year old, and she has a 6 year old daughter from a previous marriage that calls me dad and I am very proud of that.
<br> Here is my problem. I am divorced as well as her. Our relationship has been a story book. She is the light of my life. Starting a few months ago, she has acted differently towards me. She blames it on our financial problems from my divorce. It was nasty. When I say she acts differently, it seems to me that she just does not desire me the way she used to and she never calls me during her lunch hour anymore. Now she has a new job that is probably 95% men in the work force. I am in the same line of work and accept this. I do get jealous over things that I should not but nothing major until now. I went into her wallet to use the calculator and found a picture of a male coworker and his small child. I asked her who this guy is because she has never mentioned him. I did get upset. She says that it is only a friend and probably her best friend at work. We have had dinner at other of her male coworkers and I never got upset and she has never mentioned him like she has with other male friends. Later that night we went to a BBQ at one of her male cooworkers homes that I knew. The guy in the picture was there. I remained cool. Then I seen our daughter talking to him like she knew him. She had been real shy with all of the adults except for him. I called our daughter over and asked her if she knew him. She said yes and that he had walked with my wife and children for a long time at an outdoor event that I could not attend because I was working. There were also other adults there. This outdoor event that I mention, my wife and I have gone to each year since we have known each other. Now I am very mad. I ask my wife why this occured. She said that they were walking and happened to come accross him and some other people, so they just all walked together. Now that she has been acting differently towards me, the picture in the wallet, my children spending time with him and feeling comfortable with him, I lost it. I was going to leave the BBQ and I walked by this guy. I said "I guess shes yours now" and he started laughing. I then turned around and asked him why my wifes picture was in her wallet. He said they were just friends. I told him I had lots of friends but I dont give my picture to them. I then asked him if he had something for my wife. He said "Dont start something you cant finish" about that time about six people jumped between us. My wife took me outside and asked why I did that in front of her friends. I told her I lost it because of the reasons I listed before she also said she lifts weights with him at lunchtime (Now I know why she does not call me anymore). We argued for a while and she said that she was not coming home and that she was keeping the kids with her. Well after about an hour of talking she said I could take the kids home but she was staying and she would be home later.
<br> I went home and she got home about 1:30 in the morning.
<br> We talked. But she is very, very mad that I did that in front of her friends and that she gave the picture back and she was going to keep him as a friend. She sticks up for him vigorously and talks down to me now. We are not on good speaking terms at all.
<br> She swears on our childrens lives that she has not done anything with him and that it is just friendship. I have said that I am sorry many many times and that I was wrong if this relationship with this guy is only friendship.
<br> This happened 5 days ago and the only thing we talk about is the altercation. I tell her if she was in my shoes she would have done the same thing. She says she would not have.
<br> I want to save our marriage, and I still Love my wife as much as I ever have. But, I just dont know if I can trust her again.
<br> Please someone, help me out.
<p>[This message has been edited by zack.]
<p> Thank you all very much for responding. It has helped, believe me.
<br> We are getting along better. However, she has confided in me about why this has blown up so bad.
<br> Her previous marriage, and other relationships she has been involved in were ended because of jealousy. (My wife is a very beautiful woman). She always dresses very nice sometimes too sexy, which I dont mind at all. She also admits she has somewhat low esteem and dresses this way so that she gets looked at. Thats fine with me because she is mine and I am proud to know that she is beautiful and other people look. But not too hard.
<br> Anyway, she admits that the jealousy from me is not even close as her other relationships however, I am the one that has paid the price for the previous problems. She knows that is not fair and she has been seeing a counseler through her employer. I am also going to see the same counseler next week.
<br> She does not know when she will be back to me, and I do not think it will ever be the same. I am going to stick it out, and trust her and not have the questionable attitude that I have had since the incident.
<br> I am not putting the blame on her, I am taking the blame for not trusting her. She admits the picture was a mistake but she thought I would not have minded. I should not have minded, I should have never questioned it. Deep down I trust her, I just need to put this out of my mind.
<br> Again thank you all for responding, and I am looking forward to hearing from you all again. <p>[This message has been edited by zack.]

Its a tough one huh !
<br>Ive had similar situations , although we're not married....yet.
<br>I think there are 2 choices :
<br>1/ Believe her 100% even if it looks suss, until its PROVEN otherwise...which is too let by then, but will be anyway maybe even sooner if you do check/act jealous etc.
<br>or 2/ start asking etc as you have and making sense out of the strage circumstances, but IF nothing wrong, run the risk of turning it sour.
<p>Its EZ if she can be open aboput any Q's you may have, but if she is offended, well probably choice 2. is best ?
<br>Its tough....believe me , I know.

I'm really glad you brought this up, zack. I haven't seen any articles by Dr. Harley that address the issue of jealousy, and I think it is an important issue to discuss.
<p>If your wife had told you everything about this guy -- as it was happening -- would it still have bothered you? Or was it the fact that she didn't really tell you what was happening?

This is just my humble opinion, take what you want and leave the rest.......have you considered counseling? together or individual? Maybe she should be considered innocent until PROVEN guilty, SHOW her you are sorry for the confrontation at the BBQ, not just tell her....(maybe apologize to some of the people who witnessed this - the ones that caused her to be embarrassed???) Believe me, this will be NO easy task on your part!!! But sometimes we have to do very difficult things to save our marriages!! I truly wish you the best!! Keep us posted! Good luck.

Zack:
<br> If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, etc., etc., trust your instincts.
<br> I agree with Dawn, get counciling.
<br> Personally I see no earthly reason to carry someones picture in your wallet if you don't have special feelings for them. Your wife is a "contributor" in this dilemma but I suspect there's more to your contribution then you tell.
<br> My very unprofessional guess would be nothing's happened between your wife and this guy yet, but she's getting from him something she needs and you better right the ship fast. There are so many red flags here it looks like an ice fishing tournament. Find out her needs (Without anger or whining) and begin to fullfill them. Another thing, a tiny bit of possessiveness is romantic, jealousness is weak and boring. Your "I guess she's your's now" statement was also weak. Her "Talking down to you" shows a lack of respect. I'm the last guy to claim to be an authority on women, but I don't think weakness and jealousness play well.
<br> I don't know about apologizing to her, but
<br>I certainly would try to romance her from a position of strength. Plan some things she likes to do, go some places she'll want to go, make her know she's special to you. Let her know you're proud of her. Be involved in her life. If she's gravitating towards someone else you have to become a more attractive partner or stop pushing her out of your orbit. Absolutely no mention of the debacle at the picnic, of Mr. X, or any of your speculations... drop it. If she starts to talk about it, Don't shoot your mouth off without thinking about what you're saying. This is a time for calm & logic more than emotion.
<br> If you're a jealous guy, with what that implies, I think fixing this problem is out of your league. You should get professional help. You're going to dig yourself a hole you can't get out of without it. With all those children involved there are too many young lives and futures at stake. The descisions you make now will have an effect for generations. Don't be self centered and selfish, consider the family unit, the marriage, your wife and lastly, yourself. Zack,..Get help. Work hard and smart. Stay calm and strong. Look at your part in this and yourself realistically. At all costs try to save your marriage.

zack, I've been giving this alot of thought lately. I actually went to a bookstore and looked through all of Harley's books for any mention of jealousy. I didn't find any, and I wondered why.
<p>But I think I understand now. Jealousy is not the problem. Jealousy is just one of many normal human emotions. Love Busters are the problem, and jealousy can motivate a person to make disrespectful judgements (you are carrying his picture in your wallet, that means YOU ARE A BAD PERSON) and selfish demands ( YOU BETTER STOP MAKING ME JEALOUS -- OR ELSE!) and angry outbursts like the one you had at her company party.
<p>If you feel jealous, that's only natural. But if you react with Love Busters, you will destroy your relationship. It's better to wait until you can discuss things calmly (though I know that's easier said than done).
<p><p>[This message has been edited by Parizade.]