I have been married to my husband for 17 years. The problem we are having is he always wants to have sex and I don't.(not always just at night) I can have sex with my husband every night and that's still not enough for him. I have four children and work full time. When I get home from work my day starts all over again with housework, cooking etc. My problem is when it's time for bed I am tired. When my head hits the pillow I want to just fall asleep. I have tried to explain this to my husband, but he doesn't seem to understand. My husband also doesn't help around the house or with the children. When he gets home from work he reads the paper and watches t.v. for the rest of the night. I am tring to adjust with his sexaul needs, but what about mine. Last week my husband was listening a radio talk show and a lady called in saying the same things I am having. "I am to tied for sex". The lady Doctor told her that it was her DUTY to please her husband.. Now my husband thinks it's my duty, and he thinks he should get sex from me when ever he wants. I am having a hard time dealing with this. I feel it's not my duty. I need lots of help. I don't want my marriage to end, but it's getting close..
<br>Dean

Dean,
<br>I am going to give a very mixed answer, and I have no idea if it will help or not.
<br>For starters, I was in more or less the same problem you are, with some oother things added.I am married for 14 years and in the first 8, we had no children, no extra jobs and not many worries. Sex everyday was just perfect, and if we could squeeze some time in between we could use it too. But then things gradually changed. We bought a house, had our first kid and my husband was laid off in a matter of months. Taking care of a new baby was hard work for someone who didn't even had any litle ones in the family, adding to that the need for a second job, made it worse, having money problems almost everyday for over 5 years was the last straw. My daughter always had problems sleeping and will wake up in the middle of the night everyday ( she still does sometimes and she is 8 now). Then my son was born. More pressure, more work, less hours of sleep. More mess in the house, more cleaning, less help from my husband with all the long hours he was working.I was so exausted every night I couldn't even open my eyes to save my life, let alone for sex - and if we wanted any it would have to be after 2 a.m. because that's when his second job finished. At first I was able to wait for him untill he got home, but little by little I would fall asleep 8 times out of ten.The worries were affecting my husband as well, but not in regards to sex. That was still very strong. Then 3 years ago, I came up with a life threatning situation ( I think in big part because of all the stress). An allergic reaction nobody knew to what that would make my mouth and throat so swollen that if I didn't use an adrenaline injection on myself I wouldn't be able to breath at all. I think at that time I snapped. I really got depresseed big time, and of course sex life went even more down, along with a lot of other things. Last June I finally recovered, and was starting to feel better when I noticed a lot of strange things in our relationship. Sure enough my husband had just started an affair. AMog oother reasons he states that the fact that I was kind of refudsing him sexually, really made him feel "this small" - he never tought about all the circumstances around it, just like a lot of other males, decided thar if I didn't want sex, it was because I either had someone else or he was not fulfilling me in that aspect.
<br>In any case, our marriage is going down fast. We are starting couunselling this week, but there is only one thing that I really think I could have done to avoid all this.
<br>Paying attention to our communication.It's true, we didn't have sex as often as we used to, but in my panic with being sick and all, I never sat down and relally expained the situation to him. By the same token, he noticed that things were getting different, had all the doubts to himself, started feeling bad about it, but never really talked about it.
<br>So, a couple of suggestions:
<br>Talk to him. Explain the level of exaustion you are in, see if he can brainstorm with you in ways to compromise.
<br>Don't try to do everything all the time. So what if you didn't iron your sheets just so? what if you didn't vacuum 3 times this week, you need a break!
<br>I don't know how old your kids are, but engage their help with chores. There's a lot they will be able to do, even if they are young.
<br>And mostly make some time for yourself. You will feel much more rested, and you might even feel like sex everyday it's fine after all.
<br>If even after having some pressure off you still don't fell like having sex everyday, then explain that to him. NOt everybody has the same sex drive, and sex is not the only, or even the more important part in any relation. If you explain it to him honestly, maybe you can find a solution that will help you both.
<br>I don't know if I helped or not, but I certainly hope so.
<br>Last word: keep the communication opened.Don't start keeping feelings to yourself.
<br>take care,
<br>Ana

No, it is not a womans duty.
<br> Maybe your husband is just insecure and thinks that sex everyday is a way to assure himself that you are still his. We (men) are sensitive too. I don't mean that in a bad way.
<br> If you have not already, let your husband know that having (sex) everyday is not making you feel very close to him. Tell him that you need to (make love) once in a while and not just have sex that seams like a boring ritual.
<br> Good luck.

I think husbands and wives have a duty to care for each other. It's a two way street. It seems to me that your husband is very convinced that you have a duty to meet his needs, but he doesn't understand that he has a duty to care for your needs as well.
<p>Have you used the emotional needs quesionairre? Maybe that will help him understand that the duties go both ways.

Sounds like you have a household that take TWO people to care for it! As the last post said, keep communicating! Make sure your husband has access to a copy of "His Needs, Her Needs" (gosh, I've been sounding like a commercial for the book!) He should see that some help around the house would be welcomed by you.
<p>As for the "duty" part, my how old-fashioned! I suppose that cooking, cleaning, caring for the kids, are all your duty too? His duty is reading the paper and watching TV? Doesn't sound right to me. I think he needs to hear that from a neutral party.
<p>Even the popular press and media has recently started saying that for a man to improve his sex life, he should WASH THE DISHES!
<p>I'd rather that my wife make love to me out of desire for me, not out of duty.
<p>Have a heart-to-heart talk with him. Tell him - nicely - how you feel. Don't undersell YOUR needs. Be willing to meet his, but don't be a doormat.
<p>Val

I LIKED WHAT PARIZADE SAID ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND HAVING A DUTY TO MEET YOUR NEEDS TOO. IT'S SO TRUE. I THINK THAT YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS A REALITY CHECK. HELLO, HUBBY. YOUR WIFE IS ALSO WORKING FULL TIME...HOW COME YOU GET TO COME HOME AND RELAX AND SHE HAS TO TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING? INSTEAD OF AN 8-10 HOUR DAY, WORKING MOMS (ESPECIALLY WITH KIDS) HAVE A 24 HOUR JOB. HOW CAN ANY MAN THEN EXPECT A WOMAN TO DO ANYTHING BUT TOPPLE OVER IN EXHAUSTION GIVEN DARKNESS AND AN EMPTY BED? PERSONALLY, I THINK THAT IF YOUR HUSBAND REALLY LOVES YOU AND NOT JUST YOUR WARM BODY, A HEALTHY DOSE OF COMMUNICATION WILL SOLVE THE PROBLEM. HOWEVER, BECAUSE YOU ARE SO BUSY, IT WILL TAKE EFFORT (PROBABLY ON YOUR PART) TO ARRANGE TIME ALONE TO HAVE A HEART TO HEART. MAKE THE EFFORT, THOUGH. BOTH OF YOU COULD TAKE A FRIDAY OFF AND BOOK A ROOM SOMEWHERE CALMING FOR THE WEEKEND...FARM THE KIDS OUT TO FRIENDS WITH PROMISES TO RECIPROCATE, IF NECESSARY. THEN SPEND A FEW MINUTES BEFORE YOU GO (A FEW DAYS AHEAD OF TIME)SETTING SOME GUIDELINES...PERHAPS HE CAN PUT HIS LIBIDO ON HOLD FOR A WHILE, AND YOU PROMISE TO TURN IT BACK ON AS SOON AS YOU CAN (PREFERABLY THAT WEEKEND). A LITTLE ANTICIPATION NEVER HURT ANYBODY ...IT MIGHT JUST BE FUN. THEN ONCE YOU ARE ALONE, TRY TO TALK ABOUT YOUR SITUATION IN A NON-CONFRONTATIONAL MANNER. USE "I" MESSAGES AND LISTEN A LOT. EXPLAIN YOUR FATIGUE TO HIM, LET HIM KNOW YOU MISS THE CLOSENESS OF YOUR LOVING, TOO. TELL HIM THAT THE PRESSURE MAKES IT HARD FOR YOU TO ENJOY SEX. EXPLAIN THAT SOMETIMES YOU'D JUST LIKE TO BE HELD AND GO TO SLEEP. LET HIM TELL YOU HIS FEELINGS. REPEAT WHAT HE SAID BACK TO HIM (AND VICE VERSA) SO YOU'RE SURE YOU UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER. THEN, AS SOMEONE ELSE SUGGESTED, BRAINSTORM COMPROMISES, TAKING EACH OTHER'S NEEDS INTO CONSIDERATION. WHAT CAN BE DONE TO MAKE YOU LESS TIRED AND MORE AMOROUS? WELL, FOR STARTERS, HE CAN PICK UP DINNER A COUPLE OF NIGHTS PER WEEK ON THE WAY HOME SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO COOK. HE COULD HELP MAKE SURE THE KIDS'HOMEWORK IS DONE AND THAT THEY ARE IN BED ON TIME. SET AN EARLIER CURFEW DURING THE WEEK. AGREE TO TELL THE KIDS ON SATURDAYS THAT YOU ARE SLEEPING IN LATE, SO THAT YOU'RE MORE RESTED IN THE EVENING. HAVE THE KIDS "PICK UP" DURING THE WEEK AND ONLY "CLEAN" ON SATURDAYS. LET HIM HIRE A MAID ONCE A MONTH (OR WEEK, IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT) TO DEEP CLEAN. THEN YOU CAN BOTH RELAX AFTER WORK AND READ THE NEWS. PUT THE OLDER KIDS IN CHARGE OF THE YOUNGER ONES...TAKE "NAPS" ON SUNDAYS IN THE AFTERNOON. THEY SAY THAT ONCE YOU HAVE KIDS, YOU CAN GIVE UP ON A CLEAN HOUSE IF YOU WANT TO STAY SANE. WELL, IF HE DOESN'T WANT HELP, THEN HE NEEDS TO FIND YOU SOME (OR LET YOU FIND IT). A NEIGHBORHOOD TEENAGER (OR YOUR OWN) MIGHT COME IN 2X'S A WEEK TO LIGHTEN YOUR LOAD. KIDS CAN SET TABLES. USE PAPER PLATES AND PLASTIC UTENSILS. THE LIST IS LONG, I'M SURE YOU TWO CAN WORK OUT WHAT WORKS FOR YOU. THE POINT IS THAT YOU ARE IN A LOSE-LOSE SITUATION UNTIL YOU ARE BOTH HAPPY. IF YOU HAVE LESS OF A BURDEN, YOU WILL PROBABLY BE MORE LIKELY TO WANT SEX. EVEN IF YOU'RE NEVER A 2X'S A DAY KIND OF PERSON, I'LL BET HE CAN BE HAPPY WITH A VERY ENTHUSIASTIC SEVERAL TIMES A WEEK, BETTER RESTED, HAPPIER YOU. OF COURSE, YOU NEED TO GIVE A LITTLE, TOO. FIND OUT WHAT HE REALLY WANTS. OFFER TO INITIATE ONCE IN A WHILE. ADD SOME VARIETY---AFTERNOONS NOW AND THEN... OR GET UP EARLY...LET HIM BUY YOU A SEXY NEGLIGE (AND WEAR IT). PLAN A ROMANTIC DINNER ONCE IN A WHILE--WEAR A VERY TANTALIZING OUTFIT AND TORMENT HIM THROUGH THE MAIN COURSE--SKIP DESSERT. TRY CALLING HIM AT WORK AND TELLING HIM YOUR PLANS FOR THE EVENING...IN DETAIL. ANYTHING TO RELIGHT THE SPARK YOU MUST HAVE HAD WHEN YOU GOT MARRIED (AND HAD FOUR KIDS!) HE'S PROBABLY FEELING NEGLECTED BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE TIME FOR HIM ANYMORE AND FAILING TO SEE HIS BIG! PART IN IT. JUST TRY TO UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER AND REMEMBER HOW MUCH YOU YOU CARE. I HOPE SOME OF THESE IDEAS SPARK YOUR INTEREST AND I HOPE HE DOES THE RIGHT THING. GOOD LUCK TO BOTH OF YOU.