My H says even if he comes back to work on the marriage and we make it better than it ever was, then he will ask what could have been for the rest of his life.<P>I know there is the thread about which is better, but I want to know...<P>Why is the prospect of living your life without knowing if op was right harder than living your life with op wanting to know if you could have saved your marriage and been with your child forever?<P>My H still loves me and doesn't want to hurt me - but he has and I want to move on - I don't want him to move out because I do not know if I can wait!!!<P>The ultimate rejection that is facing me down is almost too much to handle!<P><P>------------------<BR>H

He's being selfish. We all makes choices everyday that close the door on other opportunities. We all wonder. Does he wonder about EVERY woman? Well, that's where his train of thought leads. That's why marriage is supposed to be committment, when we all married we chose the person and closed the door to other romantic relationships.<P>If he does not choose you, he will have only fleeting pleasure & happiness. He will be chasing the wind and you never catch the wind. He will never reap the benefits of doing what is right.

Wrote this in response to another post. Kind of applies here too.<P><BR>I fear it is sad but true. Affairs that do not die a natural death are more distructive to all involved. The love for the OP lingers in the mind if not in actions for a very long time, maybe forever.<BR>Just this morning I woke from a bad dream in which I had caught my H in another affair, in another city. H knew I was awake and asked what was wrong. I told him and mentioned my fear, in the course of the conversation, that he was continuing to contact the OW when he was away on trips. Our relationship has been wonderful for the last several months, we've never been closer, but I still fear his feelings for her. His response to me was that he would really like to call her, but has not for fear of my finding out. That, and the fact that the time difference makes calling difficult is all that keeps him from calling her. He said that ideally he wished he could have me and our relationship as it is now, but also be able to choose flights that would allow him to be with her when he had to work! He did say he realized that was impossible, but sure wished it could be true. That really hurt. He said he wanted to be honest about his feelings and wanted honest reactions from me! Then he said he was "in love" with me. Words I had been waiting to hear for 6 months. I responded with a big hug and kiss, tears in my eyes, thankful that he felt that way, when he added, "but, I love OW too, and always will have a special place in my heart for her."<BR>I know how he feels about her. I don't want to hear it in the same breath that he tells me he loves me. <BR>On the other hand I know where he is coming from. Before I met H I had a relationship that with a man that was highly erotic and sexual. There was never any promise of committment from that man to me, but a lot of good times spread over 5 years. I, at that time, (this was almost 20 years ago) secretly thought he was my soul mate, my one and only and that one day he would come to his senses, realize that and marry me. I told him, that no matter what I would always be his friend, that I could keeep that kind of promise. Needless to say, he never proposed, and for many years I thought I had missed my real (true) (BLECH) love and had settled for the next best thing in marrying my H. Through the years I did keep up with him. My H even encouraged it. I did not hide the yearly phone calls, and often told H what we had talked about. There was one period in my marriage that the OM (I guess he sorta qualifies for that title) toyed with the idea of getting together for "old times sake" "no strings attached" and had some less than platonic phone conversations. Being the promise keeper sorta person that I am, I laughingly suggested that those ideas should be kept in the realm of fantasy. We have not seen each other, except when he came to visit a year after my marriage, to meet the H and see our baby. That was 16 years ago. Through all that time the memories and fantasies I had about the OM would often come to surface when my H was gone on a trip and I was lonely, or when things were not going well between us. I began to have a more active sex life in my fantasies than in reality! Once or twice a month in reality. I wore out many batteries during that time, I can tell you that right now. (Oopps, maybe I shouldn't say that ) I think that my fantasies were more harmful than helpful to my relationship with my H, because my thoughts were dwelling in an imaginary world, and not dealing with the reality of meeting the needs of my H and asking him to meet mine.<BR>Anyway, to make what could be a very long story just a little bit shorter. About 6 or 7 years ago, during my yearly check in with the OM, I learned he and his wife had divorced because she had discovered him in an affair which had resulted in the birth of a child. He told me he believed himself to be a sex addict and had been going to counseling for his addiction!!<BR>Suddenly, the rose tint that had been covering my glasses cleared, and I realized what a jerk he was. Finally I realized that life would NOT have been better, but would have been much worse with him!!! It took THAT MANY YEARS to figure that out! I still have a teeny tiny place in my heart for this guy, and hope to hear about his life further as it progresses, but have absolutely no interest in developing any kind of relationship other than casual curiosity. <P>So, see, the feelings do linger if the affair does not die a natural death. I can only hope that as time goes on, my H, who I am very much "in love" with now and "playing with" at least once a day (gotta make up for lost time) when he is home, will gradually delegate his feelings for the OW to a small recess in a part of his heart that he does not visit often.<P>There you have that one. Phew!<P>Thanks for listening!<P><BR> <P> <BR>

Maybe it's harder wondering "what if?" for an OP than if you stayed with spouse because you already know what it's like to be with spouse. I'm sure if a betrayer left to go with OP they would be wondering "what if?" I stayed. I think it's all about regrets...that's the hardest thing to get over. (for me anyway)

Those "what if" questions are the hardest thing to deal with, aren't they? I hate them. Unfortunately, they are there. And your husband is right, they will always be there in some form or another. Eventually they will shrink into just little bits in the mind, but they will still be there.<P>I can only answer your question with my experience. Here's what I think. The reason it's harder to accept the "what if" of the OW is because he is still in love with her. Therefore his addiction is still in full force. The sweetness of how it feels with her is still too fresh in his mind. The "what if" is still too real a possibility and he can't get it out of his head. It overrides the "what if" of staying with a loving wife and child.<P>I know that's not very helpful... sorry. I know you are in a very precarious place! Take care of yourself first! I realize this is easier said than done, but try to take things one day at a time. Don't worry about whether you can wait for him or not. Think of it as a day to day thing.<P>dhj - I'm pulling for ya!<BR>--airheart

Very simply, for me it was a draw. H won out because I know how bad and how good it gets with him. I don't know how bad it gets with OM. I chose to do the safe and right thing. But yes, I do still wonder. Often (only 6 weeks in w/d) I long for OM. But, I've made my choice. For the details of why I made my choice, I'd like to refer you to my profile. But, the bottom line is that I'd have regrets either way. If I stay with H, I know the regrets I'll have. If I go to OM, I don't know how many regrets I'll have or how deep they will be. It was a risk I was not ready to take.<p>[This message has been edited by facing choices (edited August 27, 1999).]

Thanks for the responses - I know everything you guys are saying, but sometimes it is nice to have someone else say it - or even share it with my H.<P>There is no doubt in my mind that if H comes back to me that he will mourn the loss of OW. He will miss her and wish many times that he is with her. That is hard for me, but I believe that we can rebuild our marriage after all I was "the one" not too long agao and he still loves me. I also feel that the day will come that, although he may ask "What if?" - he won't care about the answer as much. She will always hold a place in his heart, but so will I. I may even hold the bigger chunk, because if he leaves and I move on - the relationship with OW might not last. Where does that leave him - alone and having thrown away a really good realationship - one where he was happy most of the time - one that was pretty darn good considering all the circumstances surrounding our lives. I hope that he does the right thing, because we have the power to make the marriage better. I hope he is able to give selflessly at the time he needs to most. Our son is so important and even tho he is young "THE BIG D" can have lasting effects that aren't pretty and I really don't want to find out.<P>The bottom line is we all deserve better - our son does - I do - my H does - and so does OW. H has said he doesn't think he can give her a fair shot. So why make it worse for her? ARGH! This stinks that we have to go thru this - anybody!!! The bottom line is we love each other and we can be "in love" again. <P>Thanks all!

I know we all deal with this in different ways. <P>What made me decide to go back to my W and loose a very special person was my duty to do the right thing. Although I miss OW very much sometimes, I am glad I made the right decision. I thought I could never recover what my Wife and I once had and what I now shared with OW. My Wife and I are not to the same place yet, but I can now see that we will be there entirely one day. It is not easy, but going back to her not only took away some guilt, but I really could never imagine living day-to-day without my kids. I guess I decided to take my commitment to my wife seriously. I am not sure I could take it any more serious with someone else. It was kind of like do or die. Besides I think I would have ruined the other relationship out of guilt anyway. <P>Enough of that! I hope that your husband comes around sooner than later. This is tough on everybody. Society needs to help couples learn to make marriages work - then so many of us wouldn't screw up! Maybe even make divorce harder. <p>[This message has been edited by tfu (edited August 27, 1999).]

In addition to all these great responses, I want to add this:<P>You may not be religious, but here goes. <P>God HATES divorce. Not the people who get divorced, but the destruction, pain and loss it causes. Without a doubt God is on the side of saving your marriage. That if nothing else should make someone choose the marriage over the extra marital affair. <P>I was the betrayer in my case, but the difference is that my marriage really was awesome except for a few "small" things, amplified by the time I spent alone and my need for attention. Not to mention my marriage was VERY young....1 1/2 years of marriage, 3 years together. But most betrayers like me know somewhere deep inside that the marriage should be the choice. A lot of them just get so far into the affair their judgement is clouded and they begin to question where they really belong.<P>The feelings of "what if" however don't go away. Regardless of how wonderful and how much in love with your spouse you are. I am deeply and passionately in love with my spouse, my soul mate, my best friend. I still miss the OM though, even though I know we would never have made it.<P>So that's about it.<P>Hope it helps!<P>God Bless<P>Tracy<P>

My affair didn't run it's course. My husband discovered the affair and I was forced to make a decision. I chose to break off all contact with the OP. Sure it's tough!<BR>Just because most affairs are limited in their time course, doesn't mean that all are. At least a third of affairs result in the destruction of the marriage. Who wants to take that kind of risk in order to save the betrayer from the pain of withdrawal?<P>Hmm.. now what if a long-lost relative leaves me a couple of million dollars in their will?

>>>Who wants to take that kind of risk in order to save the betrayer from the pain of withdrawal?<<<<BR>good point, tryingagain.<P>What makes me the most mad is the OW here. What is she thinking? Why isn't she thinking, more like. What garbage is he telling her to keep her around? (After OW called me, I KNOW what these betrayers say!!!)<BR>sorry, dhj...i just get so mad at this 8th grade behavior...<BR>i think you need to keep him at home (i planned b with my h for about 4 days, and bang, he started calling OW all the time again, after saying he wants to be with me, no sh*t).<BR>as for "what if...", hell, weren't we all dumped once in Highschool, or had a huge crush. did we wonder? did it hurt? did it FADE? HELLO? jeez....<BR>sorry for the vent, i just read H's phone bill... <BR>julie