We have been married for 18 months. During this time it has been difficult to adapt to being together but the main problem seems to be that although we have much in common ie vegetarianism, classical music, environmentalists etc we seem to differ on some very important things such as housework (he thinks vaccuuming weekly is awfully excessive despite having two cats) and paid work - he is not keen on it and has worked about 2 full months since we got married. he seems to want to take the maximum and give the absolute minimum or his words just enough to get by with. We have tried doing the listing of chores that HArley recommends but I get left with the lions share as he doesn't think most housework is necessary! This is hard for me as I work in a stressfull job full time and study part time. I DO get angry but it's only ever about the lack of support from him - in every sense of the word. we have tried to talk this through so many times - been to counsellors and I am now at the end of my tether. I want this relationship but not at the expense of my self respect. what am I to do about this? - he has read this stuff on how to resolve the housework issue but I feel he, as does Dr Harley, reverts to saying it's MY problem because I don't ask in just the right way...I just don't get it...

ginny,
<br>In part you have answered your own question, ie; not wanting to loose your self respect.
<br>Question: Does your husband expect you to become his slave.
<br>It seems to me that either he doesn't care, or he is just a lazy SOB.
<br>Either way its up to you to call the shots.
<br>

ginny,
<br>In part you have answered your own question, ie; not wanting to loose your self respect.
<br>Question: Does your husband expect you to become his slave.
<br>It seems to me that either he doesn't care, or he is just a lazy SOB.
<br>Either way its up to you to call the shots.
<br>

Ginny, although I am not a vegetarian nor an environmentalist now I once did embrace them. To have such things in common is not enough to sustain a marriage over the long haul. No offence but i've found that the sort of interests you mention (excepting classical music) are generally found in people who have a strong idealistic streak but not necessarily enough realism to balance the idealism. Hence your husband not wanting to work. I have known other couples like this and they never lasted. If he will not accept his responsibilities there is no way you will respect him no matter how fervant he may be about these other causes.
<br>I don't know what it will take to get through to him but somehow he has to understand that he has a duty and responsibility as a man to work and support you regardless of whether or not you work. If he doesn't it won't last for you two.

Hi Chris and Bruce,
<br>Thanks for your insights. Shocked me a bit tho... you are right in saying that he needs to be more supportive and act more responsibly, i have not insisted on it till now and it seems that was foolish on my part. I felt very encouraged by what you both said and I asked him to review the reasons we married in the first place. i guess such a suggestion was like a red rag to a bull and he has now moved out of our room into the spare room! surely there is something i could say that will indicate to him that i am NOT his enemy. this whole thing makes me very sad.

Ginny,
<br>After having been married for 23+ years and watching my wifw do all the work around the for the first part of our marriage it didn't take long for me to realize that there wasn't much equity in that. I didn't mind helping out, as a matter of fact the rewards that my wife bestowed on me made it very enjoyable. To cal her a fanatic would be stretching things, but she wants things to be clean and comfortable. Of course now we are experiencing a different kind of trouble in our marriage(see other John_98) but that doesn't take away from the fact that in order to build a healthy and happy relationship, everyone must do their part. Maybe trying to not give him the luxury of having everything his way would give him a wakeup call. No dinner on the table, dishes in the sink, no clean clothes, and perhaps tha tmost precious gift you can give him, no relations(sex!) for awhile. Then maybe he would appreciate you just a little bit more.
<br>What do you think?
<br>John_98