My husband has ADD. He is a very unhappy person and says that I blame him for everything. I have tried to get him talking about his feelings, his issues, coping methods...all he does is get angry at me and tell me I DON'T LISTEN TO HIM. There are problems in our marriage...I'm a recovering alcoholic and did many things over the years that took out tons of love units. He is very distant and does not add many love units to our account. The quick temper, the constant rage, the constant finger pointing. I love this man, I'm struggling to be supportive, understanding, accepting, helpful, loving...I'm trying so hard! I tried to express some emotions I had yesterday...I didn't want him to take it as me blaming him...I just wanted to share my feelings...I began to talk and he cut me off and began raging about how hurt he is, how stressful his life is, how I blame him for everything. I cried myself to sleep and I just don't know what to do anymore, I'm afraid to talk about anything with him, he gets so angry.
<p>What can I do? He will not go to counseling so I am going alone. I can handle the rage and anger for a couple days and then it begins to take its toll on me. If anyone has comments, solutions, hope, anything to share about coping for the non-add spouse please share with me. I desperate!
<p>LenaSpirit

Dear Lenaspirit,
<br>Although I can't really know exactly what you are going through, I can sympathize with what it's like to be struggling with a marriage. ADD is a treatable dis-order but as with anything if your husband doesn't follow through with treatment the situation will only worsen. You are, it sounds, like you are doing all you can to be supportive and understanding. But if he won't or doesn't want to help himself then you must concentrate on helping yourself and by doing so you will eventually help him. Counseling is called for here and you are doing the right thing by beginning by yourself. Love is supposed to conquer all, but sometimes it's as though it's a constant struggle. If you love this man then you must fight the good fight for as long as you can. As I said I am struggling with a marriage that I desperately want to save (see John_98 above) but my wife won't go to couonseling either, but I haven't given up yet. Nor should you, until you have exhausted all possibilities. I'm not sure if I have given you anything, but I do care, as do others. Seek help where ever you can.
<br>Sincerely,
<br>John_98

lenaspirit,
<br> just found this board here and the topic hit home. l have just been diagnosed with ADD myself so l know part of what you are going through. you don't say if your H has had any treatment at all for it.Is he on meds? You are right in that he NEEDS therapy. One problem with ADD is that we take everything so personal and our defenses go up,especially when the suggestions of comments come from loved ones. This has nothing to do with you,but only your H and his feelings of failure his whole life. l would suggest for you to read everything you can about it,and not push him quite yet until you feel you really have a clear view on the disorder. From your post on your past history of alcoholism,l also wonder if you possibly have it. l know some will laugh saying oh there goes another one trying to make everyone have ADD,but it really isn't meant as a catch all excuse. l think my own H has it,but he thinks because he read one blurb that said it is the rage of the 90's that l am reaching for straws. He thinks the odds of being married to one with the same thing is nil and since l do have a friend who has it as well as her H and 2 of her kids,my h thinks that proves his theory and it is just an excuse for people. All l can say to that is it can be argued the same for any hereditary disease.. My brother has CF and the only chance to have a child with CF is for 2 carriers to have the child. Thus, what are the chances of 2 people with the recessive gene marrying eachother? Greater than most people think. l think l last heard about 1 in 20 marriages. So with that l say it is not too far fetched for both partners to have ADD or whatever else. l just think when ADD does exist,and both partners do seem to have some of the syptoms of it,it doens't hurt ot read all you can about it,take some of the questionarres you find,and answer them honestly. l know l got off track to your original question here,but l am sure you are used to that from your H Good luck!

Dear Lenaspirit,
<p>Here's one for you: My H, my 2 girls and I are all ADD. H is ADHD, child #1 is also, and child #2 and I are just ADD. What fun we have in our home! We have been married 18 years this Nov., and I can tell you it's been a choice I'll NEVER regret. Recently my 15 yr old began having anger problems & I ran to a counselor for her. I was informed that I was the one who needed help. I was and am what you might call co-dependent. From the tone of your plea, your anger levels suggest that you might want to disuss co-dependency w/ your counselor. I have read a number of books (self-help, Christian) and they have helped ALOT. MY changing has rocked my H to his foundations, but loving him well and expecting him to act like the mature man I KNOW he is took away my "mothering" him and allowed me to be his wife again. I share your pain and frustration about their lack of treatment, but they must make their own choices. All we can do is respond to the situation with honesty and loving truth. No manipulating or pleading for them to change. If and when he decides that he needs help, it's then you can share your knowledge. There are more than you could imagine sharing your predicament! You're not ever alone kiddo!
<p>Pam

Hi LenaSpirit. I'm sorry about all of the difficulties you are having, and I'm sure that your husband's ADD characterisitcs don't help things any. My hubby has been diagnosed with ADD too, but he usually won't admit it. It's very hard to deal with those ADD differences, but if you remember that that's all they are---differences---it might not be as bad because then there's hope. ADD people are not sick---they are just wired differently. Actually, I think a lot of us fall in love with some of those ADD characterisics without knowing it--spontanaeity, talkativeness, a good sense of humor...Hey, my hubby locked his keys in the car four times (once while it was running) while we were dating, and I thought it was CUTE (the absent minded professor thing, you know?) Anyhow, just as those traits sometimes have appeal, I understand that the ten unfinished projects strewn throughout the house and the hurt feelings when he leaves the room in the middle of a sentence (YOURS!) are hard to deal with. There are resources out there to help, though. Three of my favorite books are as follows: Honey Are You Listening? by Rick and Jerilyn Fowler, Driven to Distraction by Hallowell and Ratney, and Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults by Lynn Weiss. The first one, especially, is a gem. It's easy to read and use, and if your husband is open-minded at all, he won't be able to help but see himself reflected on the pages of the book (Rick Fowler, one of the authors, is an ADDer, too). Also, Focus on the Family did a two day special on ADD and adult ADD. You might be able to request a copy. I also found an article in the news about the Medical College of Virginia (MCV) where they apparently have an ADD Clinic run by a Dr. Bela Snood. She tells how meds and behavior therapy help the majority of clients, and many even get off meds once they learn the skills to adjust to the dominantly non-ADD world. I imagine they also have help for spouses. Also, your local library probably has some good videos on the subject--mine did. I'll let you know if I can remember the name of the one I really liked. As a last effort, my hubby was very reluctant to undergo any sort of treatment or training, so by the recommendation of the psychiatrist that tested him, we tried St. John's Wort for the depression he was feeling (due to ADD problems...) and it helped for as long as he used it. The Dr. also said there was a new herb on the market from Europe that was proven to help ADD syptoms, but we never got the name (my hubby bailed)--your Dr. might know of it, if you are interested. By the way, my hubby was on meds for a short time, and I noticed a difference within days---he didn't, though, so he quit. If you try that route, please encourage your hubby to stick with it, and if it's not a secret, ask friends or relatives to mention how "together" he seems---anything to keep him motivated. Keeping a journal might help him see changes, too. Good luck. And don't forget to take care of yourself, too.

Just a quick add-on...For difficult male spouses, I have found that the best way to get them to read something they wouldn't normally read is to LEAVE IT IN THE BATHROOM. That's how I got my hubby to read his 1st ADD book, which led him to get tested. It has also worked for myself and several female friends when the books of choice are CHILDBIRTH books! Hey, ya gotta have something to read---why not have it be useful?