Robert, I am very sorry to hear of the difficulties you have been having. As I have no fisrthand experience with this matter, I have no way of understanding what you are going through, but I did have a few thoughts and questions to contribute. First of all, I know you feel as if your marriage has been great and that your wife would agree, but I am wondering if you asked her, would she really think so...I know that asking this of yourself will be painful, but it could help you to know the honest answer. I have read articles about this problem before (you are NOT the first person this has happened to and it's not your fault---she chose to pursue this route rather than another one), and I seem to remember that most of the extramarital relationships happened due to lack of emotional fulfillment from the other spouse(have you checked out the "affairs" area yet?). In my own experience, I have found that men can believe that eveything is hunky dorey unless there's a loudly "squeaking wheel"...sometimes women forget to "squeak" because they were raised to be uncomplaining, or even because they are in a state of deep emotional withdrawl. You know, women tend to form very close, emotionally intense friendships over time---is it possible that you were failing to fill her need for a good listener, or a friend to dream with, or a willing helper, so she turned elsewhere and got confused? Is her coldness due to anger at her situation---perhaps she feels cheated or misunderstood...I read an news blurb once about someone who conducted a survey of homosexuals and the vast majority of them did NOT enter into their relationships because of sex. They went because they couldn't find the understanding they craved from members of the opposite sex. Women's homosexual relationships tend to be long, committed ones because that is how women function best--they want security, help, friendship, affection, caring, and empathy in a partner, and I guess if a man can't supply that (a lot of men don't!) then many women have to depend heavily on their female friendships, and some even turn them into something more. Because I'm a Christian, I tens to feel that society has encouraged a lot of this behavior due to improper parenting and role models, and poor communication between the sexes, rather than accepting the idea of a genetic predisposition. I feel that this is one lifestyle choice that can be avoided. As I said earlier, it is not your fault that she made a poor choice. However, perhaps if you accept the fact that years of you not knowing exactly what she needed from you may have caused her to feel like she had no other choice if she wished to ever be emotionally fulfilled, you might be able to help her change her decision. Since she doesn't want to to talk to you, have you tried to talk with her friends to find out what she may have told them was missing in your marriage? It's possible that if you approach them out of concern, rather than hurt or anger, they might be willing to open up. Do you have children she might have confided in, or other relatives? Is there anyone--a minister, friend, favorite aunt--who might intercede on your behalf? Have you considered putting your feelings of betrayal aside (for the sake of the 26 years you spent together)and telling her that whatever happens, you still want to be her friend? Then maybe if you listen--don't argue, judge, or interrupt (check out the LIVE IT! website for good listening techniques today)--she might hint at what was missing that made her feel she had to have an affair. The next step, of course, would be to give her exactly what she needs--a sense of security through financial support, help with household chores, a shoulder to cry on, an encouraging word, a companion and friend--then maybe she'll transfer those feelings of love back to you. It's not impossible. Have hope. It will be a difficult journey, if you can get that far. There's a book called "Winning Your Wife Back" you might want to check out (in Christian bookstores, I think)--it talks about how to be patient and how to negotiate for time (can she put off divorce procedings out of respect for all of your years together?) If you try your best and nothing works, I hope you can at least find peace in the knowlege that you gave it your best effort. Either road will be tough and I wish for you all of God's blessings. I will pray for the both of you. Take care.
