I have been guilty of verbal, and sometimes physical abuse of my wife throughout our marriage of eight years. We have two children ages 4 and 1. A month ago I was arrested for Domestic Violence and since then I have accepted responsibilty for my actions that previously I had been in a state of denial over. I am attending vigorous counseling, and am enrolled in two domestic violence prevention therapy groups. I have made great strides towards understanding how my childhood abuse experiences had caused me to treat people the way that I did, and I have put what I sincerely hope is a permanent stop to this behavior. I have read an excellent book that I must recommend to anyone in this situation called "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. However, my wife has since left me, and taken the children over 500 miles away. She has filed for divorce, and is unable to believe that I can make this change that I have. She says she lacks the ability to trust me again, and she has filed for Divorce. I do not want to get a divorce, I want to save my marriage. I want another chance, and would like to get my family back. Please help me.<p>[This message has been edited by Jeff Russell.]

Jeff,
<p>Not knowing anything about relationships such as yours has been, I can't give any informed advice. (I'm sure others will provide some.)
<p>I would suggest that you ask someone who is a mutual friend of yours and your wife's to contact her and tell her of your progress. I would even go as far as to have someone who was more her friend do this because they would be less likely to be suspected of putting a positive "spin" on your story.
<p>You say she has filed for divorce. Can one of the professionals helping you contact her lawyer? Perhaps that combined with your other efforts will help. How about her (or your) family? Would they talk to her on your behalf? Have you demonstrated to them that you are a changed man?
<p>Jeff, I know you have a lot to make up for, and if you are sincerely changed, I hope your wife takes you back. Not just "for the kids", but for each other as well. I would ask though that you continue with your therapy and other outside help. It's all too easy to slip into old habits, or to think that you're "cured".
<p>Before anybody gives Jeff a hard time about his past, I would suggest that they take a long hard look deep inside themselves. Even though I have never (by the grace of God) abused my wife, there are plenty of things I have done (or haven't done) to be ashamed of. We could all stand to take responsibility for our actions as Jeff has.
<p>Jeff, you didn't mention your relationship with Christ. Have you made changes there as well? Does your wife know that? Where does she stand?
<p>Val

Val,
<br>I certainly appreciate your empathy. Lord knows I did not mean to act this way. I'm not making any excuses, I am ultimately responsible for my own actions. It was just all that I ever saw when growing up. Since I have begun to open up about my childhood (blocked it out before) I have begun to change. After all it is hurt people who hurt people.
<p>It would do no good for my counselors to contact her lawyer, since her lawyer is working for her, and doing what she wishes. If she wants to drop the divorce she simply has to tell him so. As for any other options you mentioned, I have tried all that was within my power. The problem that I am having is that very few people that she knows believe that I can change, and they are all with her, passing judgement on me without even speaking to me. All of the people that I know, and who have talked to me personally know how determined I am, and have already seen the change. They beleive in me. However, I am afraid that if one of them were to call her, she would just think that I put them up to it, and that they are lying for me.
<p>My relationship with Christ had also been slipping over the past years. However, I have recently been seeking his forgiveness. I have begun to go back to him, and I have joined a new church with people who really want to help me. I have been praying for her and the kids every night. I know that in his hands everything will be alright.
<p>Right now, I fear that my wife just thinks I'm saying all these things just to get her back. That I am just lying, and that if she comes back that I will be OK for awhile, then go right back to my old ways. I am determined for this NOT to happen though. Even if she does not come back, I am never going to verbally or physically abuse another human being again. I now understand the hurt and pain that it causes.

Jeff,
<p>I was thinking about your response re: her lawyer. Though you are correct (she tells him what to do), I think he has an obligation to tell her if a professional consellor were to tell him of your progress. If nothing else, because it would weaken his/your W's case if the divorce ever went before a judge. (ie. you have made a good-faith effort to correct your problems and make a change.)
<p>Even though you might not be enthusiastic about getting success this way, I would try it anyway. Maybe if she knows/finds out that you are serious enough to get professional help, make a change, and then, fight (legally) to stay married, even the lawyers and judge would be thinking that she owes you another chance.
<p>(I say all this knowing nothing about divorce or law, except what I see on TV.)
<p>Don't give up Jeff! If you keep trying, eventually you will make an impression. Just be sure to keep your cool.
<p>You didn't mention her religious status. If she is a professing Christian, she would be remiss in her "duty" to forgive you.
<p>Val<p>[This message has been edited by V.]

You don't want to push too hard - she may be afraid of you and pushing too hard may push her away for good.
<p>Let her know that you are working on this issue for you, not for her alone - You WANT to overcome this. Even if it nmeans you'll never get your wife back.
<p>Make sure you maintain contact with your kids = she moved 500 miles away. See what you can do about visitation - it will probably need to be supervised due to the situation, but take what you can. your children need you and you need to have contact with your kids. Plus, if your wife sees that you want to be with the kids as much as her, she may soften or at least postpone the divorce.
<p>Plus, this may be the end of the marriage. you can try, but the fact is, you didn't seek help until you were arrested for abuse and it usually takes a lot to get arrested. these are issues that have been going on for years in your marriage and your wife may not be willing to try again and she has every right to feel this way.
<p>So, continue the therapy, if she takes you back or not. You will become a better person and will someday be a better spouse or lover to her or to any other woman in your future.
<p>Melissa

Well Jeff it's sounds like you a really trying hard to change, and take charge of your life. I would focus 100% on getting healed within yourself, physically, mentally, spiritually. Healing of ones past emotions takes alot of time, even years. My advice to you would be......STOP!!!with the panic on how your marriage has ended up at this point,even though that is a genuine cernern about your wife and children being 5oo miles away. Your best advantage to your life right now it getting healed and set free from those past patterns of verbal abuse and sometimes physical. You can get strong and Healthy within yourself!! Give it alot of time. Write down on a sheet of paper anger thought that come to your mind, and why those things make you angry. I believe that writing thoughts down helps defuse alot of anger, worry, anxieties ect..Stay on the road to recovery and continue to work on those areas that need help. I dont know if your a very spiritual person, if your are, I would say just Trust in Your Heavenly Father to get you through......if your not a spiritual person I would say its going to be harder to get through this difficult time..just keep focused on the "CHANGE" that you want to take place. Your wife and children may come home to you.. I hope and pray that they will come home....and to a NEW YOU also. Just be encourage that there is healing for the body,soul and mind. Just get yourself strong and healthy first. Let that be you Top priority in life.

Jeff,<p>After I got married, my named changed. Take your pick of any of the standard derrogatory female pronouns, sprinkled with varying comments regarding the level of my intelligence.<p>My guess is you've proven you can't be trusted with her feelings.<p>Children are a whole other issue, given the influence you have.<p>It may be time to let her go.<br>b

Jeff,<p>Considering the amount of emotional damage abuse can cause its probably not realistic to have repairing your marriage as a goal.<p>Like what was replied previously, you have to want to have a better life for yourself not for your wife not even for your kids. This is the only way recovery works.<p>And it is a life long recovery process. You always need to be aware of this and be on guard for the behaviors that lead to it.<p>Congratulations on being one of two men I know of that have seeked help for this. (not that there aren't more, you just don't hear about it) The other man is my boyfriend. Luckily for us the behavior was identified and treated early enough to keep from distroying the relationship. <p>Never lose sight on why you are doing this... because YOU want to be a better person.<p>Trying to contact your wife probably isn't a good idea, it will make her feel threatened and you may end up having a TPO placed against you. My suggestion would do whatever it is in your power to make her feel safe when you two need to have contact (i.e. the kids). I think fighting the diviorce is like delving into your old behavior of control. The best way to show her you are on your way to recovery is to let her have the saftey and freedom she needs to begin a new life. By letting go control over her actions you are indeed showing that you know longer wish to control her. If or when she comes back has to be by her own choise, not by any manipulation by you. <p>Trust once lost is so very hard to win back. The trick is not to do more damage than has been done already.<p>Good luck with your recovery. It can be done!

Jeff, <P>I am one of the "wives", like your wife, who have been victimized by verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse. First of all, I admire the fact that you are and have sought help through counseling. I wish my husband would.<P>After I read your letter and the letters of those who replied to you, I had a thought that helped me, so I thank you. Even if your marriage cannot be repaired, both you and your wife will be receiving the necessary tools to learn to correct behaviors and behavioral responses that will allow you (me) to, perhaps, have more fulfilled relationships with other people.<P>After I read your letter I asked myself: I wonder how long he would have stuck out the marriage if he'd been the one being abused?<P>Would you have given her chance after chance?<BR>Would you be open to hearing "I'm sorry" one more time (after the last 10,000 times)?<P>Forgiveness doesn't always mean forgetting. We can forgive.... but we who have been abused and are being abused better remember, along with the forgiving, what we're capable of talking ourselves into when we're blinding by a "sweet talker", so we never do it again.<P>Thanks for your letter. You are in my prayers, as is your entire family. I ask that you include me and my husband in yours.<P>Katherine

My marriage is almost a mirror to the original author with one exception. I never physically hit my wife or my step son. I used words combined with silence. Stubbornness combined with deafness in her pleas that I get better. Now that it took a verbal two by four in the form that she is leaving me do I make the sincere attempts to learn and grow up. Get past all of the guilt I felt for things that I caused as a child. The things that happened to me as a child. The sexual abuse I received from a boy I thought was my best friend in the world and at that time, the only friend I thought I had in the world. All of these issues I never dealt with all of these issues I locked away and then when my step son acted in a way that I did as a child, I would see what I felt and add that to the anger or disappointment in him. Rather than dealing with the issues I had long before I got married, I combined everything and lashed out at him verbally. When my wife wouldn't correct him, or do anything when I thought he was wrong, I felt betrayed instead of trying to understand what she was trying to accomplish with him. Today, June 1 2000. I finally saw what she and others have tried to tell me for years. I know how NOT to be that way with my step son and not to hold her in contempt. I was elated and overjoyed at learning or discovering this, when I actually should have listened to her a long time ago and found a way to heal then. Now every success I achieve she says she can't help but view with indifference. She and the children are still moving out and I still need to be alone because she doesn't want to be my crutch my miss fix everything. I am working with my step son rather that against him and we are building a sincere friendship. He now tells me he wants the family to stay together and prays for that miracle every night. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself and want to heal, and I want to find ways to help my wife fall in love with me all over again. I can't make her do anything. I don't WANT to make her do anything. I just want to heal and then I pray that she will love me and be in love with me again. It is a hope killer when she tells you every accomplishment will be viewed with indifference because she can't help it. She is totally withdrawn from me. I can't talk to her without putting my foot in my mouth or begging for that "ONE LAST CHANCE." She's heard it all before and I always meant it every time. I start conseling with a christian counselor on Monday and I have sworn to myself and vowed to GOD that I will never go back to the way I was. Please pray for me and our family and pray for healing for all of us, as I will pray for every marriage out there that is in trouble, more serious or less serious than my own situation. I have changed, I can be the husband friend and father I should have always been. But she will never give me the chance to prove it. She tells me not to hope for anything.<BR>People CAN and DO change when GOD is allowed back into their lives. I KNOW. It happened to ME. I don't condone abuse of ANY kind, but if love is able to return and hurt can be forgiven true love and happiness is possible. Look at GOD'S love. No matter how bad we become he loves us and forgives us when we believe and ask for forgiveness. And we fell in love for a lot of reasons and she fell out of love. I have faith that love can return but it never will if she refuses to see anything as real and sincere rather than all the indifference I have caused her to feel. How do I make our marriage work if I am the only one who really wants it to now?<P>J.

Jeff,<P>I am glad you are seeking help. It takes strength, courage, and determination to seek help for yourself.<P>My wife recently left me also with my two kids (ages 1 and 3) and moved in with her parents 3000 miles away.<P>After she left, she accused me of destroying her self-esteem through my constant criticism, angry outbursts of name calling, and verbal abuse. Unlike your situation, however, I never physically abused my wife, and my wife was abusive towards me in our marriage. She and I would escalate arguments to the point where we both would simply dig up the garbage and then finally resort to name calling. It's pathetic. <P>I see that my bad habits have destroyed her love. No matter what she does or what names she calls me, she doesn't deserve to be criticized or receive my angry outbursts. For example, when the laundry isn't done for a week or two, I shouldn't say, "the laundry is overwhelming you" or "you can't handle being with the children". These comments only destroyed our love for each other. I regret saying these words, and I didn't realize the damage it would do to my wife over time. I am now working on how to avoid verbal confrontation and learning how to redirect the arguement into constructive discussions. Unfortunately, she was desperate to leave. She left me and moved in with her parents before we could agree on going to marriage counseling. After leaving, divorce was her only offer.<P>Since her leaving, I've started individual marriage counseling with Jennifer Harley and reading information on how to be a good partner. I'm learning how to be a better person.<P>The frustrating thing is that she refuses to believe that I can change enough and thinks I'm only telling her what she wants to hear. And she refuses to consider that the reasons for her feeling terrible may not be solely my fault, e.g. we worked opposite schedules because of the kids, we live 3000 miles away from our family/friends, she had post-partum depression, she didn't have many close friends here because she was very busy, we both didn't resolve conflict properly etc... However, regardless of the reasons why she feels hurt, angry, and emotionally crushed, I cannot change the way she feels. I must accept her feelings, fears, and concerns. I cannot push her to love me nor push her to come back. She must do this on her own.<P>When she left, divorce was the ONLY option she offered me. I left her alone and a month later she offered me another chance by attending marriage counseling individually and work on our marriage while separated. I made a mistake by pushing her to come back to work on the marriage because I felt desperate to see my children again and start working on a better marriage. She gave me an inch, and I wanted a mile. She wasn't ready to come back. Her support system is in her home state. I may have destroyed the only olive branch she was able to offer.<P>She hasn't spoken to me all week, but did attend marriage counseling by herself. <P>I've backed off to let her make her decision without my pressuring her and let her decide when she is ready to proceed to the next step.<P>The point of my story is that if you love and care for your wife, let her have her space. Let her have the opportunity to gather strength and heal. You are in a good position Jeff. You've done the hardest thing: you've faced your problem. You're seeking help and working on developing good habits. Write to your wife and let her know you care for her well-being, but do not call if she is uncomfortable.<P>Do not push. Also keep in mind that you are still the father of her children. You'll always have this special bond with her. If you demonstrate change, love, humility, and understanding, she may come back. Give it time.<P>When the time is right and she wants to talk, suggest using Steve or Jennifer Harley to help you both rebuild your relationship. Counseling is done over the phone, and she may feel safe talking to you over the phone. Jennifer Harley is helping me at the moment, and she is great.<P>I can also relate to you in regards to having the W's friends/family being against you. My W's friends and family back in her home state are against us getting back together based on her side of the story. <P>My approach to this is don't confront the inlaws/friends. Your W is an adult and can make her own decisions. You need to trust your W if you want your W to trust you.<P>Just to make my situation more complicated, however... my W immediately filed for a legal separation and custody of our children in her state. I am now faced with the dilemma of: <P>1) figting my W in court for the kids and risk losing her <P>or <P>2) waiting for her to decide about us and risk losing my children (it's hard to visit when there are 3000 miles between me and the kids)<P>Jeff, you're not alone. Keep going to counseling and seeking help. Work on developing the good habits and extinguishing the bad. Try to understand what your wife is feeling and going through. Allow her to offer you the olive branch, but don't make my mistake and push. Give her time.<P>Best of luck to you and your family,<BR>Andrew<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by Guy-next-door (edited June 11, 2000).]

Jeff,<BR>I don't know if you are still around but if you are I have some questions I would like to ask. I hope things have went well for you since this post. I'm talking about progress in understanding, growing, and changing. <P>I always wondered if my parents really loved me. I don't know... I thought if they really did they would have put my best interest first.