Okay. Here's the scenario. My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years. Before that, we were engaged for 6 months, and dated for a year and a half prior to our engagement. During our dating/engagement period, he was the sweerest, kindest best friend I ever had. Because I had a previous abusive marriage (which I had counseling for after to ensure my issues were settled), I was cautious in that I asked EVERYTHING and was VERY PICKY. I knew my husband had no temper, no addictions, a decent family, and was happy with who he was. He was ambitious, intelligent, hard working, healthy, and a great person (and great looking, to boot!). Although he was assigned to a prototype vessel in the Navy and thus worked long, hard hours to get it seaworthy, he always had time for me and my son. We would spend hours talking on the phone no matter how late it was, or just being together doing everyday things that were fun because we were together. Our interests--reading, education, service work--were the same, and our differences--he's a math whiz and I'm an English teacher--complemented each other. He was forgetful at times, a bit absent-minded, but then I'm kind of an organization freak, so who's perfect? Then we got married. No kidding, he changed on the honeymoon. Suddenly it was his needs, his preferences, he wanted to be in charge...Gone was the caring, responsible man of strong character I admired, and in his place was an always too tired, gained thirty-five pounds, depressed, insensitive, DISHONEST person I can hardly respect, let alone love. I suppose if he was just depressed (which I think he is, though he won't admit it or get help since he's in the Navy), I could empathize, but it doesn't stop there. Over the last three years his lies have increased drastically (from the simple and stupid ones to the damaging and complex), his irresponsibility with money has sunk us into a pit of debt, and his poor habits are being noticed (and copied) by our son (he adopted my 7 year old). We have a 1-year old (who he enthusiastically wanted)and though he always beamed and professed how excited and attentive he'd be with a baby, the number of times he has taken care of him can be counted on one hand. I still have to tell him how to do things, and where to find the diapers. His attitudes have thrust me into a cycle of anxiety and sometimes even despair, as I have no control over anything in our lives and no help---things around the house NEVER EVER get done, bills can't be paid and he keeps spending more, and I can't count on him to be a father or a husband. If I tell him I'm stressed, he takes it personally and pouts, even if I go out of my way to use "I" messages and be non-acusatory. Efforts on my part to sit back (no nagging) and let him handle things in his own way (like the finances), result in us becoming worse off than we were before and him blaming me for it(even though he wanted to do it). I've tried to fill up his love bank with romantic notes, special meals, and such, and by being available to listen at any time (he works 13-15 hours a day so it's usually late and an effort on my part to stay awake) have been a flop too. Now I'm suffering from insomnia (3 am is my usual bedtime and I get up at 6), headaches, and a tendency to get mildly sick easily. Yes, I'm stressed! I tried to get our pastor to counsel us, but he declined, saying it wasn't his job (we're looking for a new church that will help). Other counseling attempts have failed because my husband "can't find the time" or does't like the counselors. My only hope is that this change is temporary and perhaps he'll 'grow out of it' (he's 2 1/2 years my junior. I'm 30). I'm especially desperate now because I'm so overwhelmed I do't know where to go from here. I am committed to the relationship--we will never divorce--but I've considered a separation until we can resolve this issue. I can't even stand for him to hug or kiss me anymore, I'm so withdrawn from him. And if it's not that, it's conflict--arguments that never get us anywhere. How can such a wonderful relationship, and friendship, go so bad? I want my best friend back, but I'm not sure he exists anymore. Any advice?

It's obvious that you are an intelligent, sensitive and responsible woman that has worked any previous issues out regarding your past relationships. While I read your posting, I felt the desperation and frustration of having to deal with this man that you love, but is slipping away from you. You already know the answer...it's not YOU! Don't doubt yourself or accept blame for the things he does. You've done all you can do and although I understand that divorce is not an option at this time, he needs to work on himself and perhaps separation at this time will make him realize how good he has it with you. I am also married to someone my junior, and a newlywed. My husband began "[censored]"erting himself during our honeymoon as well, but I nipped it in the bud by not accepting his behavior and firmly stating that I would not remain married to him if he became 'someone else'(in a negative sense). Divorce is not an option for me either, but I truly believe that as women, we cannot let ourselves be manipulated or accused unfairly. Take a stand on this issue because it can only get worse. You'll be glad you did if he doesn't get help and sets out to destroy himself...without you.

Hi Heather!
<p>This is gonna sound simplistic, and you've probably thought of it. But it seems to me you and your husband both need about 5 HOURS.
<p>He needs about 5 hours less a day at his job, to give him time to support you with the kids, and stay on top of family finances (not to mention some private time with you!!!). Is there any way he can reduce his workhours? He may not realize that his long hours are undermining the very family he's trying to financially support! (We Martians are kinda dense that way.) Maybe you could get that idea through to him. Be persistant--our skulls are pretty thick!
<p>As for YOU, young lady!: (I'm trying to sound like a Mom, here!) You gotta get 4-5 more hours sleep! I KNOW what it's like to go night after night on 3-4 hours sleep, and it ain't pretty! I get lethargic, can't think straight, get worn down, get sick, and I'm no great shakes as a husband or father either! (Think 'zombie'.) Can you change your schedule to get that extra sleep? Maybe a doctor could suggest diet changes to help you sleep when you can?
<p>I know this is WAY easier said than done, but I'll say a little prayer that you can both find that 5 hours.
<br>- Doug

You mentioned His Navy service. As a Miliatry member myself i can understand a little of what he may be going through.
<br>The military has a way of instilling leadership responsibilities in it's people and unfortuneatly those leadership roles sometimes leaks over to home.
<br>Since he has worked so hard to achieve and attain his goal then he was endowed with extra responsibilities and duties.
<br>He seems to have adapted a leadership role in your marriage which is VERY common among men and especially Military men. His problem is that subconciously he expects you to adopt the followership role and "follow his orders".
<br>What you may have to do is adopt this followership role and "play along"
<br>Don't get me wrong, i am not saying that he is superior, a good follower is not someone who will blindly follow the leader but someone who can set good examples of leadership but retain their position in the chain of command.
<br>A good example of leadership verses followership is the relationship between the Star Trek characters Commander Riker and Captain Picard.
<br>Commander Riker is a good follower to Capt Picard. Riker never detrimentally questions Picard and respects his authority, but displays excellent leadership characterisics towards the maintenance and welfare of the ship.
<br>This example places picard's trust in Riker, relieves Picard of some extra responsibilities and allows him to focus on his other work duties. As a result they have an almost harmonious relationship.
<p>If he feels that he cannot completely trust you with the bills and other houshold chores then he will endeavor to take on ALL the responsibilities himself. When someone is working so hard at work and equally at home they cannot keep it up for long before things start to go wrong, something somewhere will eventually suffer. The Military will not let him faulter in his work without punishment so it will inevitably be at home where he can safely let out some slack without fear.
<p>I know this must seem a little biased or complicated but i guess what i am trying to say is you shouldnt try to conflict with him but try to work with him and prove to him that you can handle some of the responsibilities around the home.
<p>Instead of trying to "tell him" how to do things, make suggestions and get his feedback.
<br>Don't try to take over the duties around the home, he may feel his "authority" is being questioned.
<br>Don't just "sit back" and let him do everything, he may crack completely over the stress.
<p>As for his lying, it seems that he is doing that to cover his mistakes, uncle sam doesnt like us to make mistakes and some people can only rely on lying to get out of any trouble. His overspending could just be denial about your financial problems
<p>The extra hours he works cannot be helped, we are on the clock 24/7 and if he has to work then he HAS to work.
<br>All you can do is try to concentrate on your own welfare, try to get as much sleep as you can so you can have the energy to take care of what he can't do himself.
<br>Lead by example. Showing examples of good behavior and good practices, your children and eventually your husband will follow suit.
<p>I hope i have made some sense here and given you a little insight of what goes through our minds (even though sometimes we don't realise what we do ourselves)
<p>It is hard being a military spouse, the best you can do for him is be understanding that his work is very demanding and not put any extra demands on him (mainly any kind of threats)
<br>Let him know that you both can share the responsibilities around the home (without making him feel left out)
<p>Look on the bright side, it seems that at least he is home with you, Uncle sam has kindly relocated me 8000 miles away from my wife for the next year! (maybe thats not such a bad thing though )
<br>try to get yourselves out of the home and do some recreational activities. I don't know about the navy (I am Air Force) but on Air Bases we have plenty of recreational supplies and tours to promote morale and welfare, look into some of them. (if he has any leave saved up)
<p>Good luck and hang in there, Military marriages are tough but worth it (My wife and i have seen almost every continent and over 15 different countries during our 5 years of military service marriage)

Somehow, this got duplicated...<p>[This message has been edited by V.]

Hi Heather,
<p> I originally wanted to reply out of a need to defend men. I feel that men probably change about as much as women do after marriage, but are less likely to talk openly about it. (In other words, yes, men do change, but don't blame it all on men, Women change too!)
<p>NOT that I'm making excuses for your situation. (Here comes the commercial - Harley ought to give me a commission on his books!)
<p>In "Give and Take" (One of Dr. Harley's books) he goes into great detail about a married couple that was head-over-heels in love, couldn't do enough for each other and thought they were perfectly compatable - until the 2nd day of the honeymoon. Then they both changed. They became mortal enemies, stabbing each other in the back at every turn. He goes through the story about how they changed, and how to correct the problem.
<p>Not to oversimplify, but it all has to do with him learning what your needs are, and what makes you crazy. (Same for you, by the way.) Then negotiating to a point where you are both happy. Simple in theory, I'll tell you more as my W and I actually do it (I hope).
<p>If you haven't got the book already, buy it or even get it from the library. For about $12.00, you can hardly go wrong.
<p>Not to argue, but I would be very cautious abou JDMMMK's "nipping it in the bud". Putting your foot down (also known as being inflexible and unwilling to negotiate) will probably cause more harm than good, especially if things are already on edge.
<p>Also, JDMMMK, you said "I truly believe that as women, we cannot let ourselves be manipulated or accused unfairly. Take a stand on this issue because it can only get worse. You'll be glad you did if he doesn't get help and sets out to destroy himself" These are fightin' words! Taking a stand is fine if your at war, but it has no place in a marriage relationship. Even if you are "successful", you haven't gained an ally, you've conquered a rival. The moment he gets a chance, he's likely to strike out to retake the ground you stand so firmly on! "A man convinced against his will is of the old opinion still" I don't know who said it, but I believe it.
<p>You'd be better advised to win a friend than best an enemy.
<p>Val

Thanks for all of the helpful replies. Yes Doug, I do need more sleep and five more hours a day, though with 5 more hours I doubt I'd find time to sleep! As far as the Riker/Picard analogy goes, Mark--you know, that's exactly what I thought we were getting into. It's what I still want. I believe in the husband's duties of headship in the home, it's just that he won't take it. Okay, I know I said he's controlling, but it's really not in good ways. I'd have no complaints if he'd successfully take over the bills (he's tried three times and twice I've pulled us out of significant debt---still working on #3), help effectively discipline the kids (well, maybe not the 1 yr. old--yet!), organize the house, the garage, anything instead of half doing everything and leaving it for me to pick up. Instead he wants to boss the kid around and complain if things he wants done aren't done--whether or not they can be done, or whether he's even mentioned it before... He likes telling me that being a mom, taking care of the house, sorting out the finances, maintaining the cars, AANNNDDD going to grad school MORE THAN FULL TIME isn't a REAL! job. Hmmm. I'll take recruiting duty any day. At least it's just one job and you get to talk to BIG PEOPLE! You get to take kids to lunch and visit schools and play basketball and workout with DEP'ers and all sorts of fun stuff. Beats writing papers and checks any day of the week...The recruits would flock to MY desk---I'd just hike up my skirt and wear non-regulation heels, and....Just a little humor there. HA! I do know it's hard. I really do. But just beacause it is difficult doesn't mean he has to demean what I do. Some of which, by the way,I am doing so I can support the family better while he goes to school when he gets out of the Navy. And, I'm sorry, but the lies just have to go---dishonesty is WRONG and no way for anybody to act...plus, he'll tell me he can't fudge a bit to make sure he gets home in time to watch the kids occassionally, or to be available for an appointment (they NEVER let him have time for anything), then he'll turn around and expect ME to cover his heinie so he won't get in trouble for being late (I just don't answer the phone instead), or he'll lie to me about money or something dumb like the fact he was playing football with his friends instead of working. This does not sound like good old Jean-Luc to me. The essential element to their relationship is that both are committed to the Enterprise (the family) and to the values (like trust) that make it a good, well-run, useful vessel--Riker makes Picard's job easy and Picard gives Riker respect and doesn't make his job harder. He listens to Riker's opinions and really considers them--doesn't just ignore them unequivocally (esp. when they are good)--he's also of good character and easy to respect and to want to OBEY (there, I said that word!) I've tried laying back. I've tried sweet gestures. I've cried (not on purpose, though.) I've tried to be rational. I've tried to be friends. It gets me NOWHERE fast. Wasn't there an episode where Picard started acting crazy? Didn't Riker have the authority to remove him from duty? I don't want to do that, I just want him to DO HIS DUTY. ARGH!! I tell ya, it's no wonder the military is having a hard time picking up good, hi-tech people anymore...they're USUALLY too smart to join and let themselves be abused for too little money and no #!* help from anybody...(we live 8 hrs. from the nearest base, by the way. No help--or hope--there) Well, that's me, blowing off steam. Thanks! Any more suggestions? By the way, good luck with your LT separation, Mark. We had a 14 month one right after we married and it was hard, but it'll be easier if you actually write to her (I assume you want to) and send each other care packages. I kept a journal--short entries--for the days we couldn't phone and sent it every so often. I think he liked it--your wife will, too, I guess. I would have. Try flowers and little gifts, telegrams, every now and then so she knows you care. I hope it works for you. Oh, Val, thanks for the book suggestion--I'll check it out. JDMetc, I'll be sure not to let it go any farther than this stupid passive-aggressive stuff he's pulling. Thanks for caring.