I am in a committed relationship with a woman who is 20 years younger than I. We are engaged with a near future date for marriage set. I am a senior professor and she is a non-traditional student completing her BA degree. The main conflict between us (as I see it) is over my apparent lusting over other women. Let me explain two specific examples:
<p>1). On a recent vacation to the beach I was sitting in a beach chair gazing to the ocean-moved my chair slightly to get more sun-other women were obviously in view. I did not dwell on the view; but I was 'charged' with lusting. In all previous serious relationships that I have been in (marraige for 25 years which ended by death) I have never been charged with lust. For sure I am not perfect. I must meet and work with other women; but I beleive that I know the boundaries with opposite sex relations.
<p>2) Another example was on a recent plane trip in which we could not obtain joint seating accomodations. Upon entering the plane there was one window seat in the aisle behind and a center seat in an aisle directly in front. I offered my fiancee the window seat out of honor for her comfort taking the middle seat in front for myself. This required me to sit next to a woman during the two hour flight. She engaged me in casual conversation for a part of the flight. I did on one or two occassions attend to my fiancee sitting in the aisle behind me. Upon departing from the plane she was very 'cold' and said that the woman was more important than was she and that I should go after her. I did not even care to know her name or any thing else about her other than to be cordial and friendly during the flight.
<p>Now I love my fiancee and desire to honor her needs and am committed to her and to our relatonship. She does fulfill ALL of my needs. I must be ME however and do not like the charge of lustful behavior when it is not a part of who I am. It is also extremely hard to defend such a charge. I tell this woman that I love her at least a dozen times during the day and am very affectionate with her. We have candlelight dinners both out and at home which I enjoy very much. I am at a 'stage' in my life that I have arrived in my profession and can devote significant time to the relationship. For example, I took her to Atlanta just this past weekend to Gary Smalley's seminar on 'Love is a Decision'. I hope that this gives some insight into this situation.
<p>I have asked that we attend joint conseling on this issue; but she says that she would be 'outgunned' in the sessions.
<p>Any comment or help would be greatly appreciated
<p>[This message has been edited by DonLexKy.]<p>[This message has been edited by DonLexKy.]

Don,
<p>(I wrote a long response, then messed it up my trying to look back at your original post. Oops!)
<p>I think her reaction is a bit extreme. It sounds to me (no psych training...) like she has a low confidence or self-esteem problem. Or is just to plain jealous or suspicious. You didn't say if there were other reasons for her to feel this way, but do you spend enough effort showing your love and commitment to her?
<p>She needs to realize that poilte conversation with the opposite sex is not (always) flirting, and that men DO look at other women without always wanting to sleep with them.
<p>Knowing what I know now (which I don't claim is a lot, but it's more than I knew when I got married 15 years ago) I would make sure that this issue is fully resolved BEFORE you tie the knot.
<p>I think that insisting upon counseling would not be unfair because you face greater challenges down the road. Offer to meet with a female counselor, that way, your SO could not rightfully claim that she is being "outgunned" - unless of course, she knows she is being unreasonable.
<p>Val

Don, I agree with V. in that it seems your fiancee may have some issues such as low self-esteem or a past betrayal to work through. This is definitely something that needs to be tackled before you get married. Pre-marital counseling is one of the best wedding gifts you can give to each other. If you are religious, counseling with a good pastor or priest can be of great value (and because a minister will definitely not condone 'coveting', she won't have to worry about being "outgunned"). If not, a well respected M&F counselor who has values similar to yours should do. Go to someone who will give you homework, though. There's a community in CA where all of the churches got together and agreed not to marry andyone who hadn't had extensive pre-marital counseling (meaning more than just a compatibility test). Guess what? The divorce rate fell significantly below the national average. Wow. Personally, if you tell her you love her as often as you say, and back up those words with loving, caring, honoring actions, then I think she probably needs to learn to trust you and to resolve her issues (let her go to counseling alone, if she wants). Try the MB Joint Agreement--it might help her to know that you wouldn't do anything not in her best interests (and vice versa--meaning she can't visciosly accuse you of something and continue to be mad after you tell her you meant nothing by whatever it was...) It sounds like you have a great relationship otherwise, so it's definitely worth the work, eh? By the way, the Gary Smalley seminar is good, isn't it?! What a good way to start a marriage...keep up the good efforts and you will have it made. Good Luck!

It is so hard to know the whole picture when we only hear one side of the story. Even without the accusations she has made, I would be suspicious about the age difference. You do not mention how old you are or how old she is, only that she is 20 years younger. Are you at mid-life-crisis age? If not, then why are you courting a woman so much younger than yourself? Is she one of your students? That gives you a distinct power advantage in the relationship, why do you seek that?
<p>You see, without hearing her side too, it is impossible to judge the validity of her accusations or your accusations. You may be right, she may be judgemental or disrespectful of you. If so, you should reconsider your decision to marry this person.
<p>On the other hand, if she is simply communicating her needs to you in a respectful way, you should listen without being so judgemental of her.