I am very sad about the state of my marriage. I have been married for nine years, to a very handsome, dynamic man. But, he is
<br>very selfish and irresponsible when it comes to money and family. He has a very good career, makes three figures, volunteers
<br>time to the community. He travels continuously for his business, going to Europe, China, Mexico, all over the U.S. He is gone
<br>about 40% of the time.
<p>He has made some very bad decisions and we have sought counseling in the past regarding these. When we married, I had a
<br>paid for 7 year old vehicle, which he traded in for a $30,000+ car without consulting me. Two years later, he traded that in
<br>without consulting me for a $35,000+ leased vehicle, and two weeks later, his car caught fire and burned to the ground. He did
<br>not have insurance on it. He bought me a diamond bracelet, pearls, earrings. I stopped that. We sought counseling, and it was
<br>agreed that I would handle the finances, and he would consult with me regarding the payments. We made the agreement that
<br>we would not incur any debt, we make a very good income. He could charge anything he wanted, within reason, as long as the
<br>balance would be paid off in full at the end of each month. That went along well for a few years, we reached -0- debt besides
<br>our house payment, until we had our second child. The week that I had the baby, and with my agreement, he bought his first
<br>motorcycle, around $7,000. Fine.
<p>With the birth of the child and his traveling, I did not get out of the area for almost 1.5 years. On our first vacation 1.5 years
<br>after the birth, we went to the beach for a week. He spent the entire day, all week, looking at motorcycles, and purchased a
<br>used motorcycle, losing $$$$ on the first one. I was very disappointed in him, but eventually over looked it. You see, I have a
<br>spinal problem due to a previous car accident and have herniated discs at C5. I must be very careful, exercise daily, and there
<br>is really no cure. Something I must live with, but motorcycling is not an activity I can participate in.
<p>This past summer, after our annual vacation, I noticed that the credit card bills had not arrived. I asked about it, and he kept
<br>saying that he had business expenses on it and so he left it at the office, it was taken care of. After the third month had passed
<br>and I was not given the statement to pay, I called the credit card company and found out the balance was $3,000+. He said he
<br>got carried away during his travel, that there is not much to do on weekends, so he shopped, or got massages, etc.
<p>This past month, he called at work and said he had to go out of town for the day. When he got home, he had a brand new
<br>1999 motorcycle. As I had saw the signs he was getting antsy with his bike, I had talked to him the previous weekend,
<br>basically pleading with him to do something for the whole family, myself and two girls, 2 and 9, for the next big purchase,
<br>something we could all enjoy. He showed up three days later with the new bike.
<p>It isn't all about money. It's about dishonesty. Lack of trust. I have always had trust in him as far as our relationship goes. The
<br>only incident that happened was about three years into our marriage. He was sent to France on business and when he got home
<br>I noticed he had dutch coins. I knew he had an old girlfriend in Holland. I asked him about this, I am not a dumb woman. For
<br>years he swore that he did see her. A year ago, when he was out of town, and at his request, I was looking for something in his
<br>office, I came across some pictures of his trip to France. She was in the picture, albeit with her current husband, but still there.
<br>When I confronted him about this, he said he didn't mean to lie, but was afraid I would not understand.
<p>I am not a jealous woman. I have a wonderful career, take care of my children, and take care of my aged mother. I am also an
<br>extremely beautiful woman, with lots of self esteem. I have always supported him in whatever he wanted to do, except for the
<br>financial decisions. I know how to manage budgets, I am involved in investment clubs, etc. But it seems that everything I do is
<br>for nothing. After being married to him for nine years, we have $120 in savings, he spends everything that is left after paying
<br>bills, on himself. His actions send a clear message that I am not important. Perhaps because he is an orphan might have
<br>something to do with his personality, but to hurt his family this way? He will give Rotary $100, while his daughter waits two
<br>months to get a uniform because money is tight. While he travels constantly for business, when he is in town, he spends his free
<br>time helping political candidates, Rotary, etc. Not at home, while I have do do everything, besides working full time, and taking
<br>care of my mom.
<p>What do I do? We have been in counseling twice before. And again, it isn't just about money, it's the lies. I don't know what
<br>to do, he says he is sorry, and from now on the family will come first. He has the bike of his dreams now. But I have heard that
<br>many, many times before. I don't want to be a divorced woman. I know that it is hard on the children, hard to make it. But I
<br>could, I think I would be better off financially, because I don't really care about material things, I care about family. Just to have
<br>some security would be nice. My family was very well off until the birth of my brother with severe disabilities. It devastated the
<br>family, and he was in and out of hospitals until his death at age 7, two years older than me. My father had his own business,
<br>quite well off, but with the $$$$ of hospitals bills, they lost the house, business, everything. But we always had love, and
<br>happiness, if not a lot of material things. My dad always told me to work hard, take care of myself, and above all, make
<br>yourself some security, because your never know what will happen.
<p>I simply am at a loss as to what I should do. Always says it will never happen again, AFTER the events happen.
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Hello MD!
<p>I hate to ask you this, but do you think maybe there a chance that the lack of trust with money may involve another woman? The uncontrollable spending he is doing could keep you wondering if he's only spending it on himself. I don't want to put any doubt in you mind, but if someone lies about small things, they will lie about greater things. Have you seen all the credit card bills?
<p>Confront him directly. Tell him what you've said in your message. You also need to start saving some money on the side in a separate account. If it's only $100 or $200 a month. Just in case, you never know what he had on his mind if you can't believe anything he's telling you. Do you pray? If yes, then continue praying for you and your family to resolve these conflicts about money. I'll be praying as well. God Bless! [Equality]

Hi MB,
<p> Sounds like you've got a handful there. I can admit to some "unauthorized expenses" and being less than honest about where I've spent money. (Read: I didn't ask or tell my wife. - Shame on me!) The reason I brought it up though is not to defend, rather to (maybe), explain it.
<p> There are many times when I am frustrated with my marriage. Admittedly, it's usually because I feel my sexual needs are not being met. This hangs like a dark cloud over my head constantly. (Yes, I can hear the "Men, that's all they ever think about" comments flying!) Trust me, it's hard to be rational when there's this kind of frustration in your life. Little things will easily "set me off" when I'm in this mood. Having to do something I really don't want to do, having to pay a bill, not having maoney for this or that.
<p>Long story short (Hah!). Sometimes I'd find myself spending money on myself when I was especially mad at my wife. Not on the scale you're talking about, but significant enough to run up the ol' credit card balance. Sort of "well, if I can't get my needs met by her, I'll meet them by buying _________" It's a trap though, things you can buy don't fill your long term needs.
<p>So, I guess what I'm trying to say is: Do you think it's possible that your husband feels he has unmet needs at home that he is trying to fill with cars and motorcycles? I know that I feel that way often. Usually it's computers and gadgets though.
<p>You must do your best to sit and discuss this with your husband. He may not admit (at least at first) if this is his real motivation. Maybe the Emotional Needs survey on this web site will be a useful tool for you. Since this is a serious situation. (Money certainly is!) if you can't work it out alone, I think you should strongly suggest (insist?) that you both see a counsellor to fix this problem.
<p>Val

Thank you for the responses, I will go to the emotional needs questionaiire. Our life is hectic, yes, taking care of toddlers and aged mom all at the same time, while working full time is not easy.