I've been married for five years this October. I love my husband VERY much, but for four of the five years of marriage, I've felt very much taken for granted. It probably isn't the reality, but that's how I feel.
<p>My husband while dating and in early marriage would show tokens of affection. I always showed how much it meant to me and he could see that it was something that made me happy.
<p>Very quickly it stopped. We hold hands, but because he likes to hold hands. We'll give pecks on the lips for kissing, but I don't feel any emotion behind them. All the flowers, cards, little things are gone.
<p>At first, I didn't say anything. I mean, how unspontaneous is it to say, "Hey, send me flowers, will ya?" I would hint around as to how I liked flowers, cards, etc. Nothing changed.
<p>Then I started to bring it up. I asked why he stopped. He said he didn't know. With more prodding as time went on he said that it is hard to show tokens of love when you don't feel very loved. I got to the root of the matter and he said that I needed to keep the house tidier. I did that, I still didn't get the affection, I started to slide on the household chores.
<p>Later, it was because I wasn't being good with money. I tried to be better with the money. Still no affection. And later it was because I was becoming unattractive to him because of my weight. I've been exercising and losing weight and now weigh what I did when we got married. Still no increase in love tokens.
<p>If I want to do something nice for our anniversary, I need to plan it. he'll enjoy himself and wants to go out. he just doesnt' want to deal with the details.
<p>We have been married for five years. I haven't received flowers once in 4 1/2 years. Forget getting little notes or cards for no reason. I never get hugged or kissed passionately unless he wants sex and if I want to go out, I have to plan it all.
<p>I BEG him to do some affectionate things. I've told him how unloved I feel, but he says I'm being ridiculous. He shows his love for me by providing for us financially (I work as well, but he earns twice as much).
<p>We don't even exchange birthday, anniversary and Christmas presents any longer. One, not enough money. Two, I was sick of him buying me something the day before or the day of and saying that he couldn't get what he wanted to get me because of ... whatever reason. That hurt too much.
<p>Why is this happening? I'm a better housekeeper now. I don't overspend anymore and I'm at my weight at our wedding and am more fit. I know he loves me, but why can't he show it? He knows I really want it, but it is almost like he is blatantly refusing to do something nice for me! And honestly, I'm finding that any man that shows me positive attention, draws my interest. I wouldn't act on anything, but it makes me realize how starved for affection I have become.
<p>To show how bad it has become - in four years time I only heard that I was beautiful from him once and that was the day our son was born. i finally heard a couple of weeks ago that I was beginning to like good. That I was looking better and one night he said I looked nice. It made me cry! Can you imagine how horrible it feels to know that your husband can't even say you're beautiful? I understood that he was unhappy with my weight gain, but he wasn't helping the situation either.
<p>Anyway, I want this trend to stop, but how do I convince him that I need something he isn't giving me? I just bought, His Needs Her Needs and ordered the Workbook and LoveBusters. Hopefully, he'll read it with me, but I'm afraid he'll see it as a waste of time and money!
<p>Melissa

I feel so sorry for you because like you, me and my husband are the same way. I have never in our 6 year marriage received anthing from him (other than a wonderful child) and he is good in all other aspects of the marriage. It IS hard to sit back and watch your friends spouses shower them with gifts, flowers, jewelry, etc. and not even get a birthday card because tHEY think its a waste. I'm as lost as you so I will watch for your responses!

Hi Melissa, cndy (Cindy?),<p>I like to think I'm very affectionate to my wife. I often bring her home roses (just because), sometimes as often as weekly. I'm not big on cards and nores (my handwriting is dismal) but I love to hold hands with her, and probably tell her "I love you" so often that she's sick of it. I'd call her during the day, but we both work and she can't recieve calls.<p>I haven't gone through the emotional needs questionaire with her yet, but it will be interesting to see how she "rates" me in this area. <p>Melissa, it sounds like your husband is just "unaware" of how important this is to you, and women in general. Have you read "His Needs, Her Needs"? Has he? That book and "Give & Take" should give you both al the background info you need to start making sure each other's need are met.<p>Someone had a good point about unmet needs. They make us terribly vulnerable to having an affair with the first person who meets our needs. Our spouses need to be aware of this. I wouldn't threaten to have an affair, but you need to help them "find out for themself" just how dangerous the situation is. <p>Val<p>[This message has been edited by V (edited 11-05-98).]

Affection is such an individual thing. My husband and I cuddle in each other's arms every single night - we both like that. We always say that we love each other - several times a day and I get a peck on the lips about twice a day, but these are RITUALS and done without feeling. What I lack/desire is something done just for the heck of it!<p>I want flowers once in awhile. I want him to fix dinner once in awhile. Call me just to say he loves me. Come up behind me just to give me a hug. A note in my bag in the morning. Something out of the ordinary!<p>Is that unreasonable to expect something like this? I want that courted feeling again - like he thinks about me and just FEELS like he needs to show me that he's thinking about me. <p>I'm not talking about an every day thing - I get that most of the time if we are doing well (like now), but I want to be courted!! I think every couple should keep that courting mentality if they want to keep their spouses attention! I too am so ENVIOUS of women who get flowers or little notes! <p>Maybe it's crazy but THAT shows love to me. I guess I'm just needy, but I really feel like I'm just not that important. Hmm... I think what I want would show me that not only am I loved, but I'm treasured and desired. I don't feel that way most of the time. I feel that he's taking it for granted that I'm here and will continue to be here. No man or woman should ever believe or act that way. As we can see in the INFIDELITY forum, people will stray if they feel their needs aren't being met and i never want to go down that path.<p>melissa

Hi Melissa, cndy (Cindy?),<p>I like to think I'm very affectionate to my wife. I often bring her home roses (just because), sometimes as often as weekly. I'm not big on cards and nores (my handwriting is dismal) but I love to hold hands with her, and probably tell her "I love you" so often that she's sick of it. I'd call her during the day, but we both work and she can't recieve calls.<p>I haven't gone through the emotional needs questionaire with her yet, but it will be interesting to see how she "rates" me in this area. <p>Melissa, it sounds like your husband is just "unaware" of how important this is to you, and women in general. Have you read "His Needs, Her Needs"? Has he? That book and "Give & Take" should give you both al the background info you need to start making sure each other's need are met.<p>Someone had a good point about unmet needs. They make us terribly vulnerable to having an affair with the first person who meets our needs. Our spouses need to be aware of this. I wouldn't threaten to have an affair, but you need to help them "find out for themself" just how dangerous the situation is. <p>Val