I seem to have the reverse problem than most people! I want and need sex about twice as often as my husband does. Since our marriage is on an upward trend, it's better, but it was pretty bad there for awhile.
<p>Now, I know that having children interrupts things, but it was my husband who was too tired or uninterested. We would have sex about once every 6 weeks. While I was pregnant we only had sex a handful of times - he was interested. He said it wasn't that he found me less attractive (later he said I actually looked very nice to him) but that he thought my hormonal/chemical smell (what is the term for that, i forgot) had changed and so he was less attracted.
<p>Well, we had some issues. He needed me to lose weight and just adopt a better attitude about life and health. Well, i did that and our sex life improved dramatically, but it still suffers. We now average once a week and I usually initiate it, but if he isn't in the mood, he isn't in the mood.
<p>If he's stressed - forget it (he's a PhD student and is stressed ALL THE TIME). If he's tired, forget it. If we've been arguing, forget it, even if we have resolved the issue. He's not interested. Basically, conditions have to be absolutely perfect in order for him to be interested and do you know how rare that is?
<p>Is our sex fun and interesting? He says it is! We are playful and our sex is mutually satisfying. We are very honest with each other, so if he had a problem with our sex life, he would tell me. Life just gets in the way! From the ages of 24-28 my sex life has been hit and miss. On vacations - fabulous. On special dates/occassions fabulous. During his school year - horrible, while our son is having sleeping troubles - horrible. During any stresses - horrible!
<p>All the literature and other self-help talks about women not being interested but what about a man? He doesn't have problems with impotence. Performance anxiety can't be part of it because he knows how to please me sexually very well. and he says that nothing is missing sexually. I know the excess weight was a big turnoff for him and losing weight has helped tremendously, but is this it? Am I supposed to be satisfied with once a week maximum and many times it is less?
<p>Plus, I just said in another post that he isn't very affectionate even outside of the bedroom. But yet he says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I truly don't understand!
<p>Are there men or women out there who can help me understand this?
<p>melissa

Does your husband drink alcohol more than he should?

No. We only have wine on occassions - like a nicer meal at home and even then it is only about one or two glasses a week.
<p>And he doesn't have other vices either!
<p>Most women would probably consider him a great catch! I still do, despite the problems!
<p>He is EXTREMELY bright, handsome, well-built, a fabulous lover (when he is one) a fantastic father - very loving and kind, and he's humorous.
<p>However, he doesn't show tokens of affection and seems to have a low sex drive (not evident while dating and early on in the marriage - we couldn't keep our hands off each other then.)
<p>Melissa

Then the only other thing I can suggest is that maybe he feels smothered in someway. Maybe if you didn't appear to want or need it so much he would more often want to give. Maybe he feels like these things are "expected" of him, and he'd rather give because he "wants" to not because he feels like he's "supposed" to? Be affectionate to him, but because you want to be, not expecting anything in return. Pursue some of your own interests if possible, not to prove a point or to be vengeful, but to enhance your own life, so that you're not always "waiting" for him to make you happy.
<p>Don't let communication fizzle, he should be concerned for your happiness as well... just don't let your general well-being and happiness be totally dependent on his actions.
<p>These are observations from my experience... I felt the same problems you described in both of your posts... however alcohol was also a factor in my case.
<p>Best Wishes
<p>

Feel fortunate - My husband has a lot of great aspects too (good father, good husband, faithful, caring) but our sex life is about once a month MAX. If I'm lucky. I used to try and try (I am attractive and only weigh 120 pounds, physically fit and in good shape) I got tired of being rejected by him so about 4 months ago, I just quit trying to initiate anything. And we haven't had sex since then. He hugs me. He kisses me - but no sex. He says he just flat doesn't like sex. At all. Never has. (even before us in his younger years) He doesn't drink too much (a beer now and then). In his past he was a bodybuilder and I think the drugs he took back then did something. Becuase this, to me is CRAZY? Does anyone else know what it could be?

Have you ever suggested to him to go see a therapist or a doctor about this? It isn't normal and it probably indicates a bigger problem. <p>If he doesnt' want to go, tell him how much you miss this part of your life and need this to have a fulfilling marriage. You owe it to yourself to try and he owes it to you to try.<p>Melissa

I have suggested therapy, counseling, and have told him that a 3rd opinion would be GOOD for both of us. Not just him or me. I have never BLAMED him but tried to keep upbeat on therapy and counselors "helping" people. He doesn't agree and thinks we can resolve our own problems. He just says he doesn't like sex. So I guess I have no options, right?

Tell him if he wants to make you happy and fulfilled in this marriage that he needs to make an effort in pleasing you. That you are not having your needs met in affection (read your other post) and in sex needs and it very unfair to ask you to live your life without having these needs filled.<p>Do you know if he suffers from depression? Could that be a problem?<p>Funny thing about the posts I added a couple of weeks ago - things are so much better! Still no sex (but he's in midterms so I understand) but he's been SOOOOO affectionate lately! I missed the affection much more than the sex and maybe I was using sex as a source of affection since I didn't get enough of that either! Could that be similar for you?<p>I've told my husband that I do not want and will not live in a relationship that is sexless. I'm too young for that and we need to fix it. He suggested that I lose weight and I have and am continuing to do so. I think that is why he is more attracted to me. However, this isn't the case for you!<p>Please don't resign yourself to an affectionless, sexless marriage - being married means fulfilling the other's needs and he is falling down in that department. Are there things that he is lacking in the marriage which can be contributing to the problem? If you haven't done this already, read up on Harley's books. I've already read it and feel better about my relationship in some ways, and see our issues more clearly in others. Ask your husband to read it too. I think if you do it together, it will be most helpful.<p>Melissa

Would your husband consent to having a physical and bloodwork done? Maybe he has a lowered testosterone level?<p>Just an idea...<p>terri

He has 2 physicals a year for his job and they say he is fine! Though, he doesn't see this as a problem and he thinks that women who want sex are the ones with the problem. As far as not living in a sexless, nonaffectionate marriage - that I am. BUT, if he won't go to counseling, and if he WONT agree to try to work together to see why (though like I said its not a problem to him) - he thinks everything is GREAT - what are my options? Not divorce. I don't EVER want to go there again. So I sit here and deal with it. <br>I don't know if he is depressed or not. He CERTAINLY doesn't act it. He comes home every nite with a hug - talks a lot, and enjoys time with the baby. I have noticed he's more happy on weekends (arent we all). So, really now, I just sit back and take it. I feel I don't have a choice.

He has 2 physicals a year for his job and they say he is fine! Though, he doesn't see this as a problem and he thinks that women who want sex are the ones with the problem. As far as not living in a sexless, nonaffectionate marriage - that I am. BUT, if he won't go to counseling, and if he WONT agree to try to work together to see why (though like I said its not a problem to him) - he thinks everything is GREAT - what are my options? Not divorce. I don't EVER want to go there again. So I sit here and deal with it. <br>I don't know if he is depressed or not. He CERTAINLY doesn't act it. He comes home every nite with a hug - talks a lot, and enjoys time with the baby. I have noticed he's more happy on weekends (arent we all). So, really now, I just sit back and take it. I feel I don't have a choice.

I'm POSITIVE that they don't check his testosterone or perform other tests that would involve figuring out his libido problem for a physical required for a job!<p>He is probably physically OK - Cholesterol, Blood sugar, etc, but there are other finer tests that can be done.<p>And women who want sex do not have a problem. Having a sex drive is completely normal, if it didn't have it, we wouldn't have the overpopulation problem that we have. Women at least need to be receptive, we didn't get to where we are by rape alone! So... that arguement is bogus.<p>It is a problem to not have interest in sex. Even if he is single and not in a relationship, he is missing out on one of the niceties of life. However, if he wanted to be in a sexless marriage, he should have said so and the two of you should have had an agreement before you got married. It is unfair and wrong to pull this on a mate once they are committed.<p>I don't think I could divorce my husband for it either, but I would resent it and I can see how it could lead to me having an affair if I saw that it would never improve. Something KEY is missing and believe me, once a man comes along that treats you right and gives you affection, you will start to think about the possibilities. Doesn't mean you will go through with anything, but maybe you would too. A life is long and you can NEVER say NEVER.<p>Melissa

I agree. I just can't convince him. I have kids and it plays such a big part when he is good to me otherwise and to the kids. Its a tough one.

Dear Melissa,<p>I find it difficult to understand how a man who seems to have an intelligent, loving, attractive, sensual wife could ignor her needs. Speaking from a man's point of view, desire may ebb and flow, according to stress levels, depression, etc., it seems as though your husband would be a little more interested in your needs, if not his own. We all have different needs, I for example, am 44 years old and would probably have sex every day, but not for the sake of just having sex, but because I love my wife and couldn't imagine making love to anyone else.<br>Now the hard part. You may need to ask yourself a couple of questions. Serious ones at that. Are you sure he isn't having an affair? I know that is something you may not want to think about, but in today's society. it's a real possibility. Just ask some of the people that have experienced infedelity. Second, have you communicated your feelings to him to let him know of your concerns? Sexual relations should be based on mutual satisfaction, but even if the desire is not as strong for one partner, the pleasing of one's spouse should come automatically, without being asked. Maybe by backing off, he will loosen up, and not feel so pressured.<p>Good Luck<p>John_98

John-98;<p>First, thanks for your response.<p>Second, I know he isn't having an affair. One, we talked about extra marital affairs before we got married and promised each other that if ever we were to even think about it, we would inform the other partner. We also feel that honesty is the best policy and it is the breaking of trust and lying that destroys the relationship, not so much the actual affair. So, he would tell me. believe me, he is as honest as they come.<p><br>Still have doubts? I know where he is every minute of the day. Not because I check up on him, but because he is a fulltime PhD. student and I know when his classes are and he is never late in coming home. If ever I do call in the day, he is in the office. Also, we moved a year ago to half way across America and the problems started well before we moved.<p>And we have talked about this issue. I ask why, I never yell, I never blame. I just want to know if there is something I can do to make it better and as I said in the message, he said that I needed to lose weight. Well, it took some time and motivation, but I'm losing weight. I still have 40 lbs to go, but I'm thinner now (down almost 30 lbs) and weigh what I did when we were married and he had no problems with finding me attractive then and he says that I look good now and that he is attracted to me again.<p>And things are better - we are ACTUALLY having sex now. Instead of once every six weeks, it's now about once a week and I know it is solely based on my better attitude and losing the weight.<p>However, once a week is still not very often and it is still difficult! What I usually feel, and this is EXACTLY what happens - our child comes first, school comes second, and I come third. He works himself so hard that he is literally dragging himself to bed every night - all energy has been spent. For now, the only times we have sex are on weekends when there is less stress/schoolwork. Occassionally, I'll ask him to take a study break. <p>So, I start to feel resentful. Everyone and thing comes before my needs. He forgets what I need. Also, if he's not in the mood, he's not in the mood! I've never been able to entice him unless he was already interested. Not just me either, he says he's always been that way. So, if he's studying, his mind is on studying and he can't relax enough for a study break, etc.<p>And I don't push. I did in the beginning, but I stopped. I would just get more frustrated and he would become more distant. At least with once a week, I don't feel as resentful, but it's not enough for two people in very good health and still in their twenties!<p>melissa

Melissa,<p>Have you tried scheduling time for the two of you to just have some quiet time together? He's stressed out from school, you're stressed out from trying to keep everything going along smoothly. Even 15 minutes once or twice a week for just the two of you. Backrubs, candles, just time to relax and be together. Once that goes over well, approach him about the idea of scheduling sex the same way. Maybe instead of once a week you could try scheduling one time one week, two times the next. It's something that can seem like a low priority when so much else is on your plate, but if you can ease him into the habit of making it a priority, it might get better... The trick is to do it without turning it into a pressure situation for him.<p>Just a thought...

Interestingly enough, we got in a fight over this. I admit, I didn't handle it well and he would have been more receptive if I would have approached the subject calmly instead with venom! Why can't I control it sometimes!<p>Details of the weekend: We needed to clean and my husband was going to take the time to help me with it. I normally do all of it myself and am always behind. <p>Well, first I was mad because I got all the heavy duty work because he doesn't want to get his hands wet because his hands get cracked and stuff from the water exposure. So, I mop the floors, clean the stove, clean both bathrooms. He sorts papers and vacuums. I switch our summer and winter clothes and our son's stuff, he cleans off his desk and goes through receipts. I rearrange the dresser and organize the closet, he dusts.<p>So, I thought I was getting the raw end of the deal and I was pissed. I always am the one to clean the toilets, tub, kitchen and I would truly like some help with it. I find it the worst of all the housework, but he doesn't help. Also, he was taking it easy this weekend with studying and I thought we could also fit some couple time in. He just wanted to clean.<p>So, I exploded while cleaning the dishes. I said I needed time for us and all we are doing is cleaning! Would it have killed him to spend a little time with me when our son was taking a nap? To talk with each other, cuddle? He said we had work to do and there wasn't time for that. I told him that we need to make time for us and that I wasn't getting enough time - for affection or intimacy. He exploded and said I was ridiculous = that everything he does is for us as a couple and that I'm crazy. Plus, he said that he gives all his extra time to us. I responded to saying that all his extra time does go to us - as a family, including our son, but that his extra time wasn't enough and if he really wanted to make an effort, then he should ease off on studying. I said straight out, that I would rather it take him five years than four if it means our marriage will be better.<p>Anyway, we went around and around. He thinks he gives me lots of attention and says there is something wrong with me if I can't handle getting little to no attention for several days. About us not having sex? Now it is because he was busy studying and our son's schedule has been interfering. When will his excuses stop? We've been having these difficulties for 4 years and we've used every excuse imaginable except that he just isn't interested!!!<p>Is it normal for a 31 year old man to clean instead of spending time with his wife? To study until he can't keep his eyes open any longer instead of taking a little time for some intimacy?<p>I know his PhD program is intense and that he is trying to do the best he can, but I'm not asking for a lot of time? Like 15 minutes to 1/2 an hour a day! We do get some time together, but it is time when we are with our son and while we talk with each other, we are also having to entertain the two year old.<p>I'm just so frustrated. He doesn't see that he has the problem, that it's me and maybe it is! I know he is working himself to exhaustion, so what more can I expect? But I do expect more and I know how to put a reality check on it!<p>Melissa

I can surely relate to you on this one. My first husband and I had the same problem. I spent alot of night crying myself to sleep over it. In the long run I became very resentful and eventually, after 9 years of marriage and three kids, left and took the kids with me. He, too, was very disaffectionate outside of the bedroom. He would always make an excuse to avoid sex, be it too tired, or he has a stomach ache. He would stay up late just so that I would go to bed first and fall asleep, letting him off the hook. We tried counceling, but it really didnt work. I went for counceling by myself because I thought it was "my" issue. But that didn't work either. My friends would suggest that he was having an affair, but I knew he wasn't...he didnt have the time. Others suggested that maybe he was gay. At one time, that about made sense. But, he would visit the neighborhood XXX movie house, and he would buy Hustler magazine (this was much later in our marriage). He thought I was a nymphomaniac and an emotional black hole...all I wanted was his affection and sexual pleasure...I had thought that was part of a marriage...an important part. Every other aspect of our marriage was ok. He was a great father and a wonderfull provider. Now, I have the opposite problem. My current husband is great in bed and we have sex often, but he is not "there" in the responsibility department. Makes me wonder if I made the right decision 8 years ago.

<br>The best advice I can give you is to talk it out. Spell it out to your husband. Make sure that you totally understand what is causing your husbands lack of sextual interest. Honesty on your husbands part is most important!! It may be just a husband who is slowing down in life, and it is part of life for men at some point to become less active sextualy. If your husband will open up to you,and truly let you know what is going on with him, physicaly or emotionaly ect...it will give you a foundation from where to start. I know that going around in circles with the issue dosent really help. If your husband truly loves you and really wants a strong marriage, then he can start by getting educated himself on how to resolve this conflict between the both of you. Sexual desire does not need to be completely turned off for the man. He needs to address this problem also and the two of you can then work together in a partnership/marriage union,and solve it together. It was never intended for just the woman in the marriage to deal with issues along. You need you husbands hand of support, in order for there to be a resolved conflict.<p>[This message has been edited by freesun (edited 11-19-98).]

<br>trust in jesus<p>[This message has been edited by freesun (edited 11-19-98).]