i've known my husband for 14 years...we've had some break-ups prior and obviously many, many good times. after six years of marriage, he came to me one night and said, "something is missing..."
<p>we met in college. he was a lost soul. in high school he was extremely smart, though he got his girlfriend pregnant. his family didn't know. he lived underneath the shadow of his better looking, stronger, smarter brother. my heart pitied him because i always thought he was a "good guy" if just given the "chance."
<p>i believe me and my family were his chance. my family is very generous, not only financially, but also from the heart. my husband wanted to go to med school, but his dismal grades didn't help and he wasn't a resident of the state. that's when my father stepped in.
<p>we actually broke up during his med school. i had an excellent job in chicago. when we got back together, he was just accepting his residency in the same field as my dad.
<p>we had no money and he needed insurance so we spent our first year in different cities (we saw each other each weekend.)then we took off for indiana for him to complete his residency.
<p>thoughout the marriage, i always felt like i was giving something up for us or tolerating more in jobs that "i had to have" in order to sustain a decent lifestyle. (he often complained that all his med school friends got cars from his parents and he didn't even have enough for a pizza.)
<p>so, i stayed in these painful jobs, though very high profile. i suffered ridicule and embarrasment. but, i was the breadwinner. then i switched to a better job, which lasted for about a year. then, my boss fired me. my husband has thought that i was depressed and i agreed.
<p>but, i "handled" it by working out. cooking. taking "courses." sometimes our sexual relations dwindled, but i attributed that to his demanding schedule. i often felt that i didn't want to bother him as he pursued his dream. i beleived that i would be able to pursue mine once he was finished.
<p>a couple of other factors cotnributing to our marital breakdown are his folks and his sister. both live in indiana. his parents are unbeleivebly in your face, always wanting to visit and call every, every day. in the earlier years, i found that we were spending so much of our free time with them, which we didn't have much considering his schedule. we tried arranging times, but to no avail. then, i thought, what the hey, have them visit. how could that hurt? well, it hurt often. even though i have known his family for over a decade, whenever they would think of "memories" not one story was shared that involved me. once for christamns, his mother gave all her children the same picture books. when my husband leaned over to show me, she said, "no, no. that's not for her. that's for you and your brother and sister." even the night he dumped this news on me, and i called them for support, they couldn't talk because they were on their way to line dancing.
<p>a couple of months ago, he said that he is beginning to align more with his father's views -- an ominous admission. it is his father who walks this earth thinking that he is constantly getting jipped -- from the government (government shouldn't tell me if i want to wear a helmet or not) to the cashier at the local grocer. he spends his life looking at the glass half empty instead of taking a big gulp while there's some left.
<p>his sister lived with us. a talented, smart woman who because of her overcrowding parents, lacked the ability to make her own decisions. one night, i helped her make a meal for her boyfriend. (she actually did it and i just "watched" cause i hoped that she would learn.) i set the table with our china. lit candles. then, the next day, she called me horrible names because "i treat her parents so cruelly." it was like jekell and hyde dressed in a size 4.
<p>when we would fight, it could get mean. it always seemed that we argued about how we argued and not the arguement. it was so maddening for me. one time, he gave my friend advice who was wondering how she and her husband can stop arguing. he said, "just throw the arguement back to him. make it his fault not yours." that's how he would argue with me. i'd say that i was upset that he didn't call and he'd say, "oh, yeah, well you slept with XXXX" who happened to be a guy i dated when we were no longer dating. our circuitous fights was so maddening that on occassion i would "leave." always to return. once, to get him out of my face, i said that i didn't like how he looked and that i slept with someone else. both were lies.
<p>now, when we "talk," he mentions only the "ugly" parts of a relationship. he can no longer see the good. in fact, he blurs reality by saying that it was i who left the marriage! he tells folks that i slept with someone, when he knows its a lie (he told my mom that.) he says that when we met in college, it wasn't to meet me, it was to met another guy who had to study and so he came to play tennis. all these years, i attributed that to fate.
<p>we met last thursday...an ugly scene. i didn't want to sit there and listen to him blame me, so i left. we screamed, yelled in the parking lot.
<p>the next day, i wrote him a letter. something to the effect of how i will always be bewildered by what has happened to us. and that i thought i knew true love, i certainly knew true pain...
<p>now, he wants to meet tuesday night to "talk" again. my heart will break listening to him blame me, but what else am i to do? though i've had people ask me, in light of his insensitivity, why do i love him? it's that forever thing. i thought he satisfied me in every way. even though we have "problems," the bigger picture sustained my love.
<p>but, he's more and more bull-headed, fanatically like his father. and, i don't know if i can take another round of "you're such a horrible person that has caused me not to love you." his excuse for not contact me on my b-day was that i didn't want to make him contact me.
<p>should i meet with him just so he can dump on me again? is he going through some typical feelings? why would he bring up events in the past and distort them in such a negative manner? does anyone think that this is salvagable despite that he said it is not? i plan to just listen to him, if i meet with him. but does anyone else have some sound advice on what i whould act or say for the "meeting?" i am afraid that i will be too emotional, too charged.
