Has anyone read Part 2 of the Religious Differences? My fiance and I are both Christians....however, we have different churches and we each are VERY involved in and committed to our respective churches. In addition, we have different ways we like to worship. His church is Assembly of God and more spirit-led; mine is a Bible-based mission church. We are having a hard time. Although we are praying for God to lead us to the answer, I feel like in the meantime we could be going to each other's churches and checking out new churches, to be involved in this together. I have gone with him to his church lots of times and suggested other churches to go to. However, he won't go to my church. He has told me that he feels he "needs" to be at his church to the exclusion of any other. This makes me feel like I am making an effort, I have gone to his church to support his needs, but he wont' do the same for me, like he doesn't care about my needs. Dr. Harley cites that spouses should put each other's needs before religious convictions; however, if I suggest that to my fiance, he says I am asking him to put me before God. Any suggestions?

Being a non religious person, I don't quite see the issue since the two of you are the same religion, just different denominations, but I can see why you would want to resolve this.
<p>I know MANY couples who have different religions, which is more than just different denominations. And they just keep with their own churches if they can't decide on one or the other. This seems to work for them.
<p>With you that should be simpler, shouldn't it? Why can't he stay with his church and you with yours as long as you both respect each other's worship needs?
<p>Children? Alternate them between the two. The teachings will be the same, just a different format and then let your children decide for themselves when they are old enough.
<p>My parents were Catholic and Mormon, but neither were strong in their church or faith, but they did "church shop". They decided on the Methodist church and were both happy (until the marriage ended. He went to pentacostal, Mom back to Catholocism).
<p>So, ask yourselves if this is really an issue? Will it be a problem if you don't go to the same church? Or, will it be a big issue for you to switch? If you don't have issues with switching and he does, then evaluate if this is something that is worth fighting over. Can you envision yourself happy at his church? If yes, change churches. If no, then do as I suggested.
<p>melissa

thank you very much, Melissa, for replying. Yes, your ideas make great sense and believe me, we've discussed them. To answer your questions, the reason we want to get this issue resolved is that both of us feel that God and our spiritual lives should be number one in both our lives and as a building block for our marriage and family. Therefore, we both really want to have a church home for our family (we do have 3 kids between us), not each be involved in our own churches separately. we'd like this to be something to share.
<br>And on your second question....no, I really don't care for his church that much or get much out of it. And he pretty much feels the same about mine. So if we're to find a different church, how do we do that? Especially if he doesn't seem willing at this time to visit my church or new churches ( a process which I have been doing to try and resolve this problem.)

Maybe you can sit down together and come to terms with the fact the current churches the two of you attend will not work. You will HAVE TO switch churches for this relationship to work. If it is the people at the church, then you will simply have to meet new friends in the new place.
<p>Write down what you need/want from a church. Good Sunday school service? Is a good choir important? Is it important to have a silent parish or an animated parish, etc? Once you know what you NEED, then you can see how much you differ and how similar some needs are. After this, just go shopping! Literally!!! Pick different churches each week and write down a summary. or use a check sheet to see how many of the shared needs each church meets.
<p>And reality is, you probably won't find something you both like as much as you like your churches now, but if it is important to change, then do it. Choosing either of your current churches sounds like it will end in hurt feelings and resentment, so you might as well accept the fact that this is not an option for either of you.
<p>Melissa

Hi Shelly, Melissa,
<p>With all due respect to Melissa, I would suggest that this is a DEADLY serious difference between mates. Even more - in my humble opinion - than race. This is because it is the most important issue in the world!
<p>Even people who are of the same "faith" but different denominations will clash over things that their church does differently than another. Catholic and any Protestant demonination are a good example - especially if one - or both of you are more than "casual" or "cultural Christians".
<p>I've only attended one Assembly of God service and found them a bit more "Charismatic" (Spirit-led as you say) than I felt comfortable with. I would have to really dig into their theology to see if I had a "problem" with them though. (Some charismatic churches might think you are not a true Christian unless you exhibit certain spiritual gifts, such as tongues.)
<p>You certainly are closer to agreement than my wife and I though. My wife is a Christian Scientist and I belong to a "Bible Church". Before we were married, I was unaware that Christian Scientists do not have the same view of Christ, Man, or even God, than most "mainstream" Christian churches do. As a result, discussion about religion around our house is a very hot topic. I bite my tongue a lot!
<p>We have no children (lucky for them!) but if we did, we'd definitely have a war on our hands!
<p>If your two churches can't agree upon who God is, Who Jesus is, and how salvation works, then you'd better get that straightened out before you get married. If they DO agree upon "major" doctrinal issues, then I'd say don't worry.
<p>Check out "Kingdom of the Cults" by Walter Martin. (Or any of a zillion other texts from a Christian book store - NOT the "popular press" or "new age" junk.) that list the "Major" Biblical doctrinal issues. You must agree on these. Don't worry about the "minor" issues. (How often to observe the Lord's Supper, etc.)
<p>Val<p>[This message has been edited by V.]

Killed a duplicate post - sorry! Val<p>[This message has been edited by V.]

Thank you both, V and Melissa. All of your suggestions are good ones, and ones which I have suggested to my fiance. Early on, he seemed to agree.....just as Melissa says, the only real solution is to find a new church for our family. And as V says, it IS the cornerstone of both our lives, neither of us are "casual" Christians, this is why it's such a conflict.
<br>I guess my real problem is that, while the solution of finding a new church in theory was good, the reality I have doubts about, cheifly because of my fiance's current lack of interest in doing so. He has not stated that he NEVER wants to change churches - he says he is open to it in the future, BUT right now he cannot be anywhere else but where he's at.
<br>So my deeper problem is trying to decide if this necessarily bodes ill for us as an engaged couple. Should I just give it time? (we've been working on this issue about 6 mos, been together a year. He's 36, I'm 32.) Rattling around in my brain is the question - does this indicate some selfishness on his part that could govern the way he will spiritually lead our family once married? If he is not willing now to go to my church with me occassionally, as I go to his, and perhaps visit new churches occassionally to check them out....does that indicate that he is putting his needs ahead of mine? Again, he has NOT said that he will NEVER be at the point to do these things, just that now he needs to be at his church, no where else.
<p>My first marriage was totally non-Christian, and so this idea of the husband being the leader of the family is new to me, yet one that I want to follow. but I know the most important aspect of this is choosing a husband that I totally trust to lead us without selfish motivations.
<p>Any feedback to that bag of worms? You don't know how thankful I am to have found this site. I don't feel I can talk to my family because I don't want to poison them against Steve. Thank you so much.

Hi again Shelly,
<p>At our church, the issue of "headship" is openly discussed. Although it is the man's responsibility to lead the family, he supposed to do it lovingly, sacrificially, not like a dictator. Just as Christ died for the church, your husband should be willing to sacrifice himself for you (and his kids, when they arrive.)
<p>Husband and wife are BOTH to submit to each other. Often so-called "Christian" men will demand absoulute obedience to their "orders", this is not true Christian leadership.
<p>My wife won't attend my church, and it hurts to see all the other families worshipping TOGETHER.
<p>I don't know much about Assembly of God, as I said before, but you may want to see why he feels like he MUST attend there only. Sometimes, a church that holds it's members with such a tight hand, and won't let them go elswhere, is a sign of something other than a healthy normal church. A church that teaches the truth has no fear of you (him) looking at other churches.
<br>Val

Shelley, I too have the same problem as Val. Before my husband and I got married, he attended my church and we would attend Church together in our home town or to one of his friends church. I'm Penecostal by the way. My husband informed me, [fiance' at the time] that he did not like my church and would prefer to attend his own Baptist Church. <p>I was hurt like Val, and now I attend Church alone as of today. Now, my husband doesn't attend any church. I've got the strength through praying to attend once again alone. Right now I only go to Sunday School, and gradually I plan to go back fully. I wasn't happy not attending and worshipping GOD. I had to go back. This is the damage that being unevenly yoked does to a marriage. <p>Religion could become a huge problem. We discuss religious issues that sometimes leads into an argument that I have to stop him and say, "The Word of GOD should never be argumental." Let's just drop it. I feel really hurt when I see other families attending church together and here I am sitting alone. At one point I stop going because I didn't want to go without him.<p>Get prayer, pray and let GOD lead the both of you to where you can worship in spirit and truth together as a family. Let him know now before you get married that this troubles you. Resolve it before your marriage.