Dr. Harley emphasizes the importance of learning about your spouse's emotional needs, and then striving to meet those needs. It was a struggle for us first to identify our own individual needs. (We had better luck at identifying the "love busters", which was an important first step.) And it was especially difficult for each of us to then listen to the other person saying "I need this, and I need that" while a voice inside our own heads was screaming, "YOUR needs -- what about MY needs!?"<p>I happened to read an online article that reminded me of a law of human nature: the importance of Showing People What's in It for Them. Incorporating this attitudinal shift was useful to our discussions. It provided an on-going "giver" and "taker" balance. This helped us lower our defenses and listen and talk better about our respective emotional needs.<p>There has been a lot written about the subject: "If you expect people to do something for you, you must FIRST show them what's in it for them." Much of what I've seen seems to promote selfishness, and I've generally taken a cynical view (Ringer's popular book, "Looking Out for Number 1" comes to mind). But the article that I happened to see online raises many good points:<p> <A HREF="http://www.quain.com/10rules-ch8.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.quain.com/10rules-ch8.htm</A> <p> The notion of "equity" is relevant to the "giver" and "taker" side of each of us: The reward should be equal to, or exceed, the expected effort.<br><p>[This message has been edited by John Byers (edited 11-07-98).]

John Beyers,<p>For most of my adult life I would never give without thinking about what was in it for me. How utterly selfish. Now that I understand myself and life a little better, I find it much more satisfying to give for the sake of giving without expecting anything in return. But in the end we all get what we give. <p>Peace,<p>John

John_98,<p>Thanks for your feedback. I don't believe that this is so much about selfishness or giving unconditionally as it is about about understanding and applying a basic law of human nature. It's about heeding what Harley calls the "giver" and "taker" aspects of every human being, which cry "foul!" if some semblance of balance is not maintained.<p>The emphasis I'm suggesting is not on self, but on the OTHER. That is, I've found it helpful to adopt an attitude of taking personal responsibility for helping the OTHER understand what benefit it could be for THEM if they do what you're asking them to do to satisfy your emotional needs. <p>And this works both ways. For example, when my wife took the approach of gently pointing out to me what my benefit could be (namely, getting some of my emotional needs met!) if I would satisfy her need for having her back "tickled", I attentively listened to what she was saying, and my motivation for satisfying her request increased substantially. Also, it's easier for my wife to voice her needs in this manner, as it helps her overcome a feeling of "imposing" her request on me.<p>Adopting a caring approach of "showing the other what's in it for them" is a shift in attitude that attends to a basic law of human nature. My wife and I have found it useful for opening up lines of communication. <br><p>[This message has been edited by John Byers (edited 11-07-98).]