Jackie:<P>A lot of the "plan B" contact I had with my wife was detremental---it was lovebusting type of stuff. I settled down on that, but it was hard. Towards the end of my separation, I started to get (very) mixed messages from my wife (and her sister) on things; but that was because she was pregnant by the OM.<P>My plan B was pretty short (a little under 2 months). And our reconciliation wasn't ideal---my wife made no concessions to work on the marriage, or even to end the affair---although I knew with a pregnancy she would be forced to choose. So for my case, it was a Plan A---Plan B---Plan A(2)---withdrawal situation. The disadvantage to that is that our marriage recovery is taking longer becuase my wife was unwilling to do much formal participation (counseling) early on.<P>I notice that you have a therapist, as well as Steve Harley for a marriage counselor. I did the dual therapy for a while, but I quit with the therapist and stuck with Steve. The reason was that I was getting two different lines of advice---and after discussing it with both of them, I felt that Steve was not only a better source of help for my marriage, but he was equally valuable as a "personal" therapist. You may want to either get the two of them on the same page, or just go with one of them. In areas of marriage, I think Steve is extremely knowledgable. I know that I did the "modified" plan B and that Steve didn't complain much (but he did let me know when I was shooting myself in the foot)---but my circumstances may be different than yours.<P>Here's what I'd tell you, based on what little I know.<P>If you're happy with your plan A effort, and you wrote a very good Plan B letter that states that you are willing to work on the marriage, I think that I would encourage you to write another letter (Plan B follow-up letter) restating this, and see how that goes first. I did this too (under Steve's guidance), because my wife felt I was punishing her by moving out. I think that if you write to him (under Steve's or your therapist's guidance), let him know that you still want this to work out, he may reconsider.<P>And I would not push for anymore contact right now. I'd even suggest less, but you don't want to be viewed as doing it for punishing reasons.<P>A face-to-face deal may be very emotional for you, and either lashing out or breaking down may not be the thing to do. If your husband can deal with written communication easier, I think another letter is the way to go.<P>I know the hopelessness and confusion that you're feeling. I never thought any of the stuff I was doing was "right" or working. But I put my marriage in Steve's hands, we developed this plan and I executed it to the best of my abilities, and I knew the moment that she affirmed that she was pregnant that this was the opportunity that I had been praying for (the gift-wrapping of that opportunity was somewhat of a surprise...).<P>It may sound lame, but I'd talk to Steve and discuss your options, and try to come to a conclusion that will protect your feelings as much as possible while giving your husband another opportunity to reconcile.<P>Good luck.
