Ladies, Gentlemen,<p> I've appreciated your responses to my post "I don't like to do that" in this section, and been following many of your accounts as well. <p>Over the past 3 weeks or so, I've obtained and read Dr. Harley's "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Give & Take". I think I've learned a lot about myself (why I feel the way I do) and about my wife as well (what's important to a woman). I haven't kept the books a secret from my wife, but haven't really told her much about them either. When she first saw them, she said "Oh, no! Now you're going to tell me all the things I'm doing wrong!" I told her that I was reading them more to find out what I'm doing wrong.<p>At any rate, here's the question I'm posing to all of you: What would be the best way to ask my wife to read these books? I need to introduce them in a way that isn't threatening or acusatory, but firm enough so that she feels it's important. <p>BTW, I bought Dr. Ellen Kreidman's "Light His Fire/Light Her Fire" series of tapes 2 or 3 years ago. I listened to mine 3 or 4 times. I finally said to her. "I'd like for you to do a favor for me: listen to these tapes while you drive to and from work. It's important to me." She made a face and reluctantly agreed. (I didn't see the big deal, she spends over an hour driving every day, she could have listened to the whole series inside of a week.) Three months later, she'd only listened to 1 tape. I gently asked her: "How are the tapes coming?" and she acused me of "brow-beating" her. (I really did ask nicely, and hadn't been nagging.) She still didn't listen to any of the rest. Finally (about a month ago) I said something to the effect of "Well, I guess I'm not worth a couple of hours of your time that are already wasted, since you haven't listened to the tapes". Which, of course, led to a "discussion". Actually, it was somewhat positive in that we shared some feelings and didn't bruise each other. <p>So, there's the situation. Suggestions welcome, even solicited! One last factor: She is a teacher, and won't have free time until Christmas break. I'd like to get her to "commit" to reading the books then. (She's a fast reader, she could easily go through both books inside of a week, probably in a day!)<p>Val (The husband)

val (the husband), <p>Read her a passage that you think describes some of you own faults or shortcomings. Ask her if she agrees with the book and would she mind reading more to see if she thinks you would benefit from reading the whole thing. After all you don't want to waste your time reading something that won't help you corret your mistakes or learn about her feelings. She may surprise you and sneak a peak at the rest of the book.<p>Or maybe you can offer a book discussion, after both of you read it. An open discussion just about the content of the book and its value, in general terms.<p>How do you get her to see a movie you want to see?<p>I think if you are enthusiastic about what you have learned about yourself, that might spark some curiosity. As you know, you cannot change her, only yourself.<p>Maybe these books would make good stocking stuffers?<p>She's one lucky lady!<br>b<p>

Don't worry about how you're going to get her to read the books. Keep them out in the open...visible. Mention that you learned a lot and enjoyed them. Then set a goal for yourself to meet her needs. Also, read "Love Busters" and set a goal to not commit any Love Busters. If you truly make an effort to meet her needs and not commit Love Busters it will show. Give it time. She may wonder what your up to at first. If she asks, tell her you love her and want to treat her like you love her. After time, suspicion of "what you are up to" will go away and tension will ease, but not until she feels that the new you is here to stay. When you feel the time is right, you can suggest something that you would like from her (ie. Honey, I would really feel good if you shared football with me. Maybe you could watch it with me this Sunday...I'll help you understand what's happening in the game. Afterwards, we could go shopping for a new dress). Of course, name something you would like and you know she would like. This is non-combative, meets one of your needs, and shows her in a real way that you want to meet hers too.<p>We learn more by example than any other way.

Try to show her how reading the books has opened YOUR eyees about YOUR behaviour towards her.<p>Say something like "you know I never realized how I was so (bad habit or behaviour) towards you and how it could affect you.... the book said "blah balh blah" and it is really true. I am glad I am starting to understand how "such and such" affects us"...<p>Anyway, you get the point...<p>This will show her that you are not lloking for ways to fix her, but you are fixing yourself. And she may decide that there is worth in those books too.<p>J

just a suggestion. Why not set aside some time each day or week and read to each other she reads her needs to you and you read his needs then switch. Stop in the middle or in a good point and talk about the except or about your feelings on that particular subject. Include her make it a us project instead of a me project that she has to learn to make you happy. Show her the good points by living the advice as well as reading it <p><p><p><p>