<br> For reasons unknown (atleast to me) we are separating.<br> We had a six months 'PhonyMoon' period after engagement. We used to talk over phone. I used to write to her also. But for some<br> reason she started first criticising my letters and she did not want to talk much over the phone. She is otherwise talkative.. just not with<br> me. My intention was to talk our heart out and have atleast some affection and understanding much before the marriage. Within weeks<br> she became harsh and in 3 months since we met, she was blowing over the phone. I remained a patient listener thinking it still could<br> work. I could not stop talking to her over the phone as I had become emotionally attached to her, which she acknowledged once.<p> I was desperate and I decided to talk to her parents. They discussed the matter with her. The answer they gave me reflected her interest<br> and the problem was that she felt, talking over phone does not bring people close. It's understandable. They believed things will be<br> alright after the marriage. <p> But after the marriage, evrything was going wrong. I tried to give her more room and was too flexible. The first gift given the first day was<br> taken with a negative remark. It was a ring. She was not talking much and always complained of things much after the situation passed.<br> She defined priorities which were totally out of time for a newly married. Honey moon plan was shelved as she said a journey could<br> create joint pains for her. She wanted to be in her house and I agreed for it. But once she was there, she almost disappeared. I could not<br> get her during day time ... she is always shut in one room talking over the phone or doing something else totally avoiding me. Even at<br> night she come to me only at 1 or after and that too if she felt that I have slept. I never said anything, but was getting frustrated. Even if I<br> try to drag her in to a conversation she wont sit for even 2 minutes and will be rude.She felt I was being too emotional and was not<br> giving time for her. All my attempts to generate some interest in the relation through touch had a cold response first and a tough<br> resistence later. I never used force and left her when her resistance showed she was irritated. This tendency grew and at one stage she<br> asked me whether I can be her brother, later, she can be my best friend provided I don't touch her and at last .. either don't touch or we<br> will go for divorce. I was shocked. She was afraid of something. That was evident. I was behaving gently with her giving a lot of room for<br> her. She used to shower disrepectful words and signs and attributed all this to my advances. Finally one of my relative understood my<br> condition and dialed up her parents and informed them of the situation. Till then I had not discussed this matter with any one. She was<br> hurt as she felt, what should have been discussed between us has leaked out. It was not intentional but there was no way for me. She<br> would'nt have been ready to hear me. Finally she talked to me and distorted the whole issue as my problem. Still we reached an<br> understanding that there should be mutual respect and concern and she be given more time to come close to me. She openly said she<br> realised the depth of my emotional attachment but herself could not feel the same for me. She also doubted my affection as a physical<br> one. Unfortunately I had to leave for my work place in another country and we were again on the phone. The initial 2/3 days everything<br> was OK and once again she was shouting over the phone. She claimed, I never behaved properly with her and that's why she is doing it.<br> It looked as if she was taking revenge on me. She did not want to leave her parents or her house, I doubt. <p> Some how I managed to bring her to me. She was with me for 3 weeks before she left to write some exams. I tried my best to be the nicest<br> best in the world ... but she still had complaints... She said I have a weak personality. Yes any husband will be emotionally weak in front<br> of his wife ( especially when they are newly married). Instead of seeing the positive signs she was always seeing the other side. She always<br> made me promise that I won't touch her, which I did out of compulsion. I could not keep it as I am her husband and I knew if I did not<br> change her slowly the whole relation is gone. Every other day we had a fight over the previous nights physical contacts which never<br> reached the expected levels for a 3 month old couple. <p> if i give her a chocolate she wash it and eat, she stops mid way while saying sorry to me. She stops in between doing things me which she<br> normally do with others. All these I feel are abnormal behavior whic I failed to understand.<p> She did not like what ever I suggested for her. I could not buy her even a small gift as I knew, she will reject it in front of every one.<br> Finally she asked me to buy her some gift which she threw at my face. Reason was that she suspected that I touched it.. Infact I did not.<br> But she made it in such a way that she threw it. I was hurt. Still my mind said ...continue.. She went back home saying she wanted to<br> study further, do a job for 2 years and then she will come back... that was 5 years total. I asked her what should I do till then. No reply. <p> She herself acknowledged that the relation had improved in those three weeks. I was also a little happy to hear that. My confidmce<br> grew. I followed the words " If you love something let it free. If it came back, it was yours" and I allowed her to go home with all her<br> demands met. She fell ill once she reached home and changed again in two three days. Again tere were shouting and screaming. All<br> through these days I had raised my voice only a few time and that too was for her well being and since there were no other way. Have<br> you heard of any unfortunate husband who could not ask his wife about his wifes health. I can not ask a question twice. More<br> frustration. <p> In between my mental and physical health also began to deteriorate ( though she was improving). I had few problems in my office<br> because of my bad temper. Normally I am very polite and have a good reputation among who ever knowing me. She is the only person<br> who have so far said something bad about my behavior. and she was trying to correct me also. <p> In between, for her birthday, I decided to give her a surprise by making an unscheduled visit. But I wa the one one who got surprised.<br> She was not even bothering to talk to me for hours. I had to finally request for a face to wish her Happy Brthday. the gift I gave her was<br> flying in the air next. It's OK..if one does not like something. I don't expect her also. But it has a value mcuh more than the whole of me.<br> She did not even look at it. I was alarmed when I saw that her mother was supporting her. There is something wrong. Either she is giving<br> them wrong feedbacks or this marriage was a trial !.<p> With all this still my mind said, stay on...it will be alright. But it did n't. Again after months of separation, on that night she had books to<br> read till 1.30 or so..<br> And she made sure that I was asleep. Later when I woke up, she was still awake. She seemed not having any problem in me some<br> initiative but there was some sudden change and I saw her weeping for the frist time. i could not control her. Only response to my query<br> was that I don't have concern and respect for her. I was shocked. i could not sleep and was tensed. Next day though she complained, i<br> was happy as she did not show any sign of previous nights incident. But her crying face was still in my heart. i wa hurting her somehow.<br> She is not able to love me. i left for my home and remained a visitor to her house for a few days. Finally I decided to have a talk with her<br> parents and her and I went back. I don't kno what happened, but her father said they have asked her to take a decision. What ! When<br> those people were supposed to give her a solution they were asking her to take the final decision. I later explained to them what all has<br> happened and what's going through me. they could easily understand me.<p> She has a very stubborn /bold nature and seemed not matured enough to take such decision even at 24. the respect and commmitment<br> to the marraige was lacking from her side. There was no sign of adjustment from her side and no loving/caring words even. Afer 3 days I<br> was called up and told of her decision to continue. I requested her strengthen her decision by the time she come to me after about a<br> month. her demand was the same ... i should give more time, respect and care... which i was already giving and am ready to give more.<br> My convern was her way of communication. Actually there was no proper communication or understanding between us. <p> After returning, as expected she began to go back in to her ways... shouting and scolding for enquiring about her health. fed up with all<br> what I had taken so far and not seeing the slightest of concern for me, I called her upp once and said she has to decide whether she is<br> expecting our married life or two bonded individuals life. I told her not to have any preconditions set for her joining me and nothing is<br> acceptable to me. I expected her to believe that things will be alright, but can not be put as a condition not even in our mind. It should<br> come naturally. She said she wanted time to decide. And I decided not to call her until she tells me of her decision. She did not but<br> through her parents wanted t book her tickets. I said I will do that after she personally tell me her decision. Even her parent seemed to<br> have lost interest. I don't know for what reason. (Her mother once said her complaints were not serious ones and only a minor<br> adjustment from my side is only what's required. )<p> After 3 weeks her father called up and said she is not interested in continuing and they are proceeding for divorce on mutual consent. I<br> dont know how they decided I was ready for a divorce. I was not and I want to give it a try. I tried to talk over phone. But she does not<br> pickup the phone. <p> I am very much upset and weak both physically and emotionally. Every one including her own people say its better for me to leaave<br> her. But I feel she should be given a chance to realise her mistake and probably go for a counselling and then decide the future. <p> Her parents say she did not tell any reason except that she tried to adjust and can not do any more. But when and how I don't know. I<br> lost all my patience and identity adjusting to all her actions and behavior.<p> She seems to have had an affair before which she did not tell me. Even if she had something worse is also OK for me. But she should<br> open up and come to me directly in case if we are going for a reconciliatio.<p> I still love her. I don't know what to do.<br> Should I try to keep her or leave her?<br> What exactly went wrong ?<br> I am totally down and I need some help?<br> What should I do if I want her to be back in my life?<p> Can some one help<br>

Mel......<p>It sounds like you have really been trying hard to work out the differences between you and your wife. It also sounds like your wife needs some kind of counseling. She seems to have alot of anger inside of her for some reason. Her temperment seems very unpredictable. Well the advice I would give from a womens point of view would be to let go for a time. If your wife wants the marriage to work then she is going to have to show you more love than that. I know that you really love her and want things to work, but it takes two people in a marriage to work together. You can't balance things out until she is willing to TRY!! to make things better.I'm sure its been real hard for you, since you dont want to let go. I think at this point a separation is whats best for now. Temporary separations can actualy be good for a marriage, if you have try all other means of getting along. If she wants it to work, than get counseling together.That would be a good start. It looks like she has been verbally abusing you in every way, which is leaving you very unhappy with your marriage. You should'nt have to put up with that. Just be strong and talk this out again with her...if she is willing to get counceling or work on improving things than there's hope for your marriage. If she continues to be mean and unloving, then you will be a very unhappy husband. There is hope for your marriage....it does take two to make it work.God your heavenly father is a Great support in times of need. God bless you I hope things work out for the both of you ..........freesun <p>[This message has been edited by freesun (edited 11-18-98).]

Freesun ....<p>First let me thank you for your reply.<br> <br>The present situation is that she is attending some counselling. The effort has come from the lawyer whom she has approached. But I don't know how much change and effect a counselling will have if only one party attend it. <br> <br> Difficulty is that I am working in a different country and holding a responsible position/job which does not allow me taking offs that often. I was with her for a week in July end. I am trying to take few days off and go home by middle of December.<p> To get access to her will be a problem and the chances of her talking is almost nil. But I have decided to make this last effort as I feel what ever I do, I am doing for myself and believe that she is my life which I should save. But I have also learned to keep hopes in the backyard for some time as it has started hurting me ...and will hurt more. <p>I will write what happenes then..<p>Once again thank you for your precious time and valuable advise. It has helped me in gaining some confidence.<p>Mel