Maybe someone can give me some insight as to what that might be. My marriage is almost in ruins and I can't decide if it can be saved. Here is my story:<br>My husband and I have been married almost 17 years and we have two children ages 16 and 10. I cannot honestly say any of those years were really good years. My husband was working constantly and doing his own thing. I tried over and over again to make our marriage a happy one until about 8 years into our marriage when I think I just gave up, started doing my own thing (ie: scouting, taking trips alone, bowling alone, etc..). We discussed trying to liven up our relationship with an open marriage. This subject only stayed in discussion for several years but was recently activated. I met a very nice man online almost a year ago who I have become very good friends with and who lives about 1000 miles away from me. He has been seperated from his wife for a few years, would like to rebuild his marriage but his wife says no, and he has no children. He and I are what I call friends, companions, buddies. We talk in online every evening and have made several phone calls to each other. My husband is completely aware of all of this yet resents this man like you wouldn't believe. There is no sexual or commitment interest between my long distance friend and myself. We just share a lot of common interests such as cooking, gardening, traveling, and the outdoors. My husband won't look twice at any of these subjects.<br>Here is where things start to get complicated. Apparently my husband had decided that since I was "messing around" online, he should too, in his words, to take his mind off my friend and I. I did not have a problem with this at all as I know I cannot fulfull his needs 100% and the idea of an open marriage had been discussed over the years. I lack in the sexual desire department and my husband craves it tremendously, therefore, I knew when he started "looking" he was looking for a lover. This too, has been alright with me as I feel that marriage is based on happiness and if it takes more than one companion to fulfill that happiness, then why not? My husband met a very nice lady who lives about 800 miles away about two months ago and they got very involved, chatting every evening and several phone calls a day. My husband and I discussed everything about our side line relationships and were always very open and honest with each other. We became so much closer and happier. Then after knowing his lady friend for about 3 weeks, decided he wanted to meet her and planned a 4 day trip to her city. My husband had never crawled on a plane and had a fear of flying and when I figured out he was willing to do this to meet her, I knew it was serious. I went to a lot of trouble to help him make this trip a fun trip for him, buying him new clothes, helping him pick out a "nice to finally meet you gift", etc.. I wanted him to go and enjoy himself. We had made a pact that no matter the end result, we would not do anything to discourage or inhibit our side line relationships nor would we hold our relationships against each other.<br>Then his plane landed in her city. He says he knew from the minute he touched ground, it just didn't feel right. He met her, went out to dinner and then they slept together. At this point, he's decided, he can't stay there, can't attempt a relationship with her, and came home the next day. I will not deny that it felt good to know that he can't be involved with another woman, even with my knowledge, yet he seems more than miserable now and that is making us both very unhappy.<br>It's been five days now since he's come back home and I have been in tears for hours over this ordeal because he now feels that if I loved him at all, I would discontiue my relationship with my friend. I just don't feel like I can do that. He's been there for me in my ups and my downs, and I have come to love him like the brother I never had. Several months ago, we started planning a trip to meet in Las Vegas, my friend, my husband and myself and a few other friends who we all have gotten to know through chat. Now my husband says he will not go with me on the trip, that I need to go alone, and decide who I want, him or my friend. Basically, he is giving me an ultimatum. I do not think this is fair of him to ask me to do such a thing, it is only making resentment towards my husband. I do not think I could give up my friend and I don't feel that if my husband loves me, he would be asking me to. <br>I would like some unbiased opinons on this matter excluding the thoughts that we made a mistake by having an open marriage. We have already learned that lesson in life. Should I go to Las Vegas without my husband? I would really like to meet my friend, just as I have a couple other female friends I've met online, but can my marriage survive it? Please help!<br>

Well Nickie...it sounds like you have gotten your self in quite a tangled mess. I will try to give you the best advice that I can. I can see alot of holes in your marriage. Areas that are just a "wide open target for disater to strike" First of all Marriage in my view is a Union between two people, and two people only! That is really where you need to start. Some how you have rationalized bringing a third person into your marriage. Now even though you say that you are just Friends,that your online friend is just a companion, someone to talk to online...it really is a danger zone for your marriage.Having a open marriage is like trying to get a plan to fly without wings. It will not work. Please start at this point. (1)If you love your husband and want a strong marriage, then your male companion must leave the picture.Its a threat to your husband, weather he says so or not, it is a threat,that is if he truly loves you.(2)Your husband needs to get the third person out of the way. (3)You and your husband need to look each other straight in the eyes, and admit you faults and what you want to improve, what is important to you in your marriage. (4)After accomplishing that much,seek out what Dr.Farley"marriage Builders" says about defining your emotional needs in your marriage.(5)It may be that your husband is not meeting your emotional needs for companionship.Define what you feel you are lacking in your marriage.(6) once you have gotten that far, begin with Gods help to build your marriage into a Strong Union Between Two People.It can be a very beautiful thing for two people (husband & wife) to be 100% commited to each other. Now I'm feeling right now that you are probably going to read this and say well thats nice, but.....my online line friend is just a friend. You need to stop with the thought that its o.k to become close with other man, weather that be an emotional closed ect...ect...seek out female friends for you need to talk online. Stop flurting online. Its really makes a marriage Weak, Unstable, Rocky, Unpredictable, and just wide open for attack. You need to protect your marriage for "Out of Bound" habbits. Now thats the best advice I have for you. You need to make the choice here. Do you want a strong healthy marriage, or do you want a wide open weak, sick marriage?????you need to decide.<br>I pray your marriage will become strong, healthy and beautiful in time. God Bless you! freesun <p>[This message has been edited by freesun (edited 11-18-98).]

Nickie,<p>This situation has become bigger than your ability to control it. It's time to seek professional help. You can't change anyone but yourself. A marriage counselor will be able to help you put things in perspective. You can go alone, if it makes you feel more confident.<p>Nickie, whatever you decide to do, two wrongs don't make a right.<br>b