I have been married twice. The last marriage three years ago was filled with infedility and lies about money. I trusted this man, and loved him. I now find myself in a new, committed relationship. This man is reassuring, loving and communicative. I am having a hard time trusting him completely. This torments me on and off, yet I want to beleive in him. I know a lot of it is my baggage. It creates a lot of pain in my heart for me. How do I change this and trust? What do I ask of my companion?<P>thanks

I am in the same boat where trust is concerned, I want to learn how to begin trusting again BUT how?? If you get any advice let me know! Good luck! :-)

It sounds as though this guy has his head on straight. Tell him of your hurts in the past and that you expect things to be different between you two. He WILL make mistakes, let him know IMEDIATLY how that feels. Guys do better dealing with stuff as it happens. Most of all focus on the good things you share the fact that he makes you feel loved for who you are and the trust will follow. Throw away the resentments, they suck the joy out of life. When we forgive we,re free to trust again. Keeps you young at heart too!

Kris 10, Your bio reads like I might have written it. I tried to ignore my situation while building up a lot of resentment for the OP. This spilled over into my marriage and our marriage never recovered. 3 years later we,re seperated and headed for divorce because I needed to be right. I guess whatever you do try to forgive. Your H and then this OP. True forgiveness frees you to believe again. And is'nt that what your looking for? Good luck and God bless

Thank you so much Pablo...this line just made me see the light:<P>"we're seperated and headed for divorce because I needed to be right."<P>God, I just realized that that has been what I'm doing...needing to be right. And that's just not important, is it?

The need to be right is a very important one. However sometimes when things are not at their best we can confuse what we need to be right.<BR>Regarding trust I feel that there's a risk in everything we do in life. Taking risks is something we do everyday, although most probably small risks like trying a new sandwich we're not sure we'll like, or do something at work that we're not sure will work, things like that.<BR>In every relationship there's an element of risk as well. It's not something we can avoid, and it's not something we should minimize pretending that that risk doesn't exist. <BR>After your other relationship, it is normal to fear trusting another person. But at least you already have that experience, you probably learned enough to know better how to deal with it in case it ever happens, or how to avoid it.Thus trust turns into a choice.You love this person, so I'm sure that you will like the relationship to work.Are you going to let what happened in the past interfere with you for the rest of your life? Do you have any reasons ( based on facts ) to fear trusting this person?<BR>It might be a bit difficult to make the choice to trust, but once done if frees you to concentrate on the good and positive aspects of your relationship. Think about it this way: no matter what, the risk will always be present in any relationship you, or anybody else, have. It is up to us, to keep communication open, explain what our expectatives are for the relationship, what worries us, and listen to what the expectatives and worries are for the other person. Once we both working together in keeping the relationship healthy and strong, and understand each other, the risk diminishes.After i read the emotional needs questionaire, I also decided to include a discussion about them in our marriage every once in a while. This way we both know were we stand in the relationship and if/when we change - which is also normal - we can readjust to the changes before they become a problem.<BR>It is important that we keep thoughts about what happened to us back were they belong ( they'r done, they're past ) since if we do otherwise, we are allowing whatever hurt us before to dictate our lifes. Fear is normal, but knowledge can help. Knowing what can happen, can help us deal with things that might happen in the future ( if ever )in a different and more effective way, as well as help us to prevent those things to happen.<BR>Hope this helps<BR>Kat<BR>

Cristalle_in_NYC, Its true everyone needs to believe their feelings are valid, that they matter. We need to know when the issue is secondary to the relationship. If you let you pride take over as I did it's like asking someone to give in to make you feel better. They may do so to get past it but it never really does go away. Yes it is'nt worth hurting someone you care about to say your "right" Better to make peace. I think of the verse that goes for what has a man gained if he has great wealth and has lost his soul. Just substitute pride for welth and W. or H. for soul. Take care and God bless.<BR>Kat1 right on as usual. I really get alot from your perspective. <BR>