My husband almost daily accuses me of being critical of him. I try very hard not to be, but what I consider normal conversation sets him off. Example: "Wow, you really trimmed your beard short this time." Critical? <p>He also says I pick fights with him. The most recent incident happened on Saturday. We were driving home from a shopping trip which had taken much longer than it should have due to having to order something which was not in stock. On the way to the store, my husband had decided that something was wrong with the van, since we weren't getting any heat. He thought it was most likely a blown hose. He started driving home as quickly as possible. Knowing he was already upset at how things had gone at the store (where he had embarrassed me by his hostility to store employees), I was saying nothing. When I started smelling something hot, I very quietly and calmly said, "Something's getting hot." He said, "Yeah, the radiator! I told you there's a blown hose!" Not knowing a great deal about cars, I said, "Oh, I didn't know it was a radiator hose." He said, "What other kind of hose is there?" He then launched into a very sarcastic explanation of water cooled engines. I remembered that three years ago he had a problem with a vacuum hose, so I said, "Aren't there vacuum hoses too?" He said, "Well, yeah."<p>We ended up with an overheated van on the exit ramp of the freeway, after dark, with our three boys in the back seat. A state trooper called a tow truck for us, who towed the van to our house, about 2 miles away. My youngest son and I rode in the tow truck. My husband and our teenage sons started walking towards home. When I got home, I drove my car to pick them up.<p>As we were finishing dinner about half an hour later, my husband said to me, "Do you feel better, now that you've eaten?" I asked what he meant. He said I had been "combative" in the van. I was absolutely astounded, since I had deliberately kept quiet until I smelled something hot, and then spoke in a very calm voice. He then said, "I guess it wasn't so much what you said, but how you said it." I replied that I had used a monotone. He still insisted that I had been combative.<p>This is extremely frustrating for me. I feel that I cannot talk to him without him thinking I am either being critical or trying to fight with him. I have been working very hard at trying to keep this marriage together. <p>Two and a half years ago, he confessed to an affair with a woman who I thought was my best friend, in fact he was the one who got me to start walking with her every night. I didn't know they were already involved in an affair at that time. The affair lasted 2 years and 8 months. My first inclination was to divorce him; however, I decided to try to salvage the marriage for our sons' sake. We have been through many hours of therapy since then. Most recently, we have been working with a couples therapist since late June, and I felt we were making some progress. However, he continues to make disrespectful judgments and have angry outbursts, the two lovebusters which caused my initial withdrawal from him. He says that is just the way he is. Do you think he's so sensitive to what I say because he's still feeling guilty about the affair? <p>Does anyone have any input on ways to talk/relate to him so he won't think I'm being critical? I actually wish I was tape recording all our conversations, since he constantly says that I said things I didn't. He twists my words around, or says it was my tone. I wish I could just push a replay button so I could prove to him that I didn't say any such thing. <p>Oh, one other thing. He also keeps insisting that I am depressed and that I need to be on medication. I did take Paxil for about six months after I found out about the affair, and it helped immensely. But I stopped it last year and do not feel the need for it. But he refuses to see a psychiatrist for an evaluation ("nothing wrong with me -- it's her"). I know, from when I was depressed, that being overly sensitive to criticism is one sign of depression. He won't consider it.

Emma: I can relate very well to what you're saying. My husband is very quiet and non-communicative. When I ask him why he never talks to me he says that he doesn't like to talk to me because I'm judgemental, critical and blame him for everything. No matter how "softly" I try to speak to him, (if it's a conversation about anything important) I end up offending him. I have finally come to the decision that 1.) if I'm not agreeing with him, it will offend him and 2.) if it causes him to have to explain anything (as in your situation) it will offend him and 3.) it will all be my fault and 4.)(MOST IMPORTANTLY) by getting mad he can avoid actually have to discuss anything that is controversial and important to our relationship. <p>I hope you come up with a solution, but in actuality I think the problem lies with our husbands. At least your husband is willing to go to therapy, something mine flatly refuses to do. <p>I had to laugh when I read your post because my husband always says "your fangs are showing" when he thinks I'm being grouchy because I'm hungry. He also begs me to go back on Prozac just because when I'm on it, nothing matters to me. I just don't care and he actually likes me like that. He also gets the added bonus of me not caring about sex when I'm on Prozac. But he still has his full time waitress, maid and launderer, which is sometimes all I think he really wants me for anyway. Sorry, I'm rambling on here. Good luck with your situation. Lisa <p>[This message has been edited by Ltaylor (edited 11-24-98).]

I feel my wife & I are in a similar situation, but with the roles reversed. I have to drag anything out of her to find out what is bothering her. Sometimes she has to get angry to open up, and I do my best to not respond back with anger. When the anger subsides, she can usually share her feelings with me. This seems unhealthy, but it's better than nothing.<p>The frustrating thing for me is that socially she is a chatterbox, whereas I am a bit more reserved. Why can't she be bubbly and open with me? She is my best friend and I feel more comfortable talking with her than anyone. <p>What sort of relationship did your spouses have growing up? My wife's relationship with her father was bad, and many of his hurtful traits she complains about, when I can get her too, often seem to closely reflect her behavior (short, didn't say much except to be critical of family members, angry outbursts, condescending, etc.). I attempt to be more understanding and symphathetic with her behavior when considering the context of her upbringing. <p>The spouses perception part is very difficult to deal with. If your spouse perceives you as doing all the things he says, you do have to be on constant guard. Again, I see this stemming from her upbringing. Many years, after when we visited her parents for a weekend which I thought went well, she burst into tears and angrily said "I never want to see him again!" as we drove home. She went on to point out some of the lousy things he did that weekend and how he behaved. I was baffeled...were we in a parallel universe? I didn't see what went wrong/happened. Her perception and mine were at odds. With the emotional baggage she carries over her dad, I can understand how every little thing could set her off. It's no wonder this affects our relationship.<p>She recently got into counseling, and I know part of the reasons why, but am not sure of ALL the reasons (again, I can't seem to be prying). I am glad she is going, though, and feel it's long overdue. I would certainly try to get your spouse's into some seperate or joint counseling too, rather than continue to suffer. Good luck.<p>

Ltaylor and lp, thanks for your input. I think my husband is offended whenever I disagree with him. Recently our therapist said that I take anger and turn it into pain, because I am more comfortable with that, and my husband is the opposite: he takes pain and turns it into anger. <p>I do think it has something to do with the way he was raised. I asked him recently if he was blamed for a lot of things when he was a kid. He said yes. I know that when he does something wrong, he always gives excuses for why it happened, like he can't take responsibility for it. An example: A couple of years ago, he was getting up from the dining room table at his parents' house when his head bumped a part of the chandelier, an etched glass panel, which came off its hook and fell onto the table, breaking it. If that were me, I would have gasped and said, "Oh my gosh, I'm really sorry. I'll try to replace it." What did he say? "That chandelier is hung too low and too close to the side of the table!" No apology at all. He does not have a good relationship with his dad, doesn't seem to really respect his parents, and I'm not sure why. They really are very nice people. Of course I don't know how things were while he was growing up, since I didn't meet him until we were 18.<p>I still can't believe he asked if I was feeling better after eating, since I can easily skip a meal and it doesn't affect me. He is the one who HAS to eat at certain times during the day or he gets very grumpy. We try not to let that happen.