Since getting back from my aunt's funeral, my husband has given me the cold shoulder. It started when I said I needed to lean on him and needed a break from my 2 yr. old. My husband was unable to go out of town to the funeral, and I had the 3 kids traveling by plane and rented vans (2) with 8 other family members, 4 of them kids. I had no time to grieve on the trip and knew it would hit me when I got home and things calmed down. She died of Alzheimer's and I was her primary caretaker of the family. On the phone, husband was very understanding and cleaned house and shopped before I came home.<p> He fell asleep in car coming home from airport and was up maybe a total of 2-3 hrs. the rest of day and night. He slept on the couch after I gave up trying to get him to go to bed. He did however rub my shoulders for a few minutes after we arrived home.<p> He asked me the next day what was wrong with me, and when I told him I was hurt by his sleeping the first time, he got defensive and said it was all my fault, I had bored him. He then said he didn't want to argue and everything has to be my way or no way. That just shut me up, and I figured if I didn't say anything that could be interpreted as complaining, he would come around. Of course, I wasn't saying much of anything besides answering him when he spoke to me. That was almost 3 weeks ago. I have kept my mouth shut when he stayed out at his brother's until 7 am one night, not helped with carrying in groceries, spent money over the limit we set without discussing it, made hurtful remarks to me, etc. I had hoped he would see that just because there's no "complaints" doesn't make a happy marriage, but he told me the other day he liked the way it is now. <p> He sleeps on the couch, has not touched me in 3 weeks, shows no affection, does not call from work and if I call he is very short. He use to call every night and ended the call with "I love you". I feel like I'm going nuts. Still grieving for my aunt and for my marriage at the same time.<p> Any advice? <br>

Aileen, were you having problems before your aunt's death? Was your husband at all close to your aunt? Men sometimes don't have the emotional tools to deal with death and grief. <p>Maybe we can help some more if you tell us what your relationship was like before this.<p>terri

We have been having problems since January on and off. He was somewhat close to my aunt, and I know he feels guilty because he couldn't go to the funeral. But I understood and my whole family understood. The main problem with us is if say I'm angry or hurt over something, he feels I'm chewing his head off. I only say something about my feelings if he asks first, but he takes everything personally. Then he gets defensive and starts flinging accusations until I ask him to give me specific examples instead of generalizing, such as "You're always putting me down". If I did put him down, I need to know how and when so I can make sure not to repeat it. He then decides he doesn't want to argue, and he begins the cold shoulder until I break down and beg him to love me. The last time I told him I wanted him to leave if we were just living together but not communicating. Which he did for a few days and then I begged him to come back and work on our marriage. This time, I made sure I didn't make any ultimatums.<p> Why can't he just say he's sorry if I get upset. Oh, he will when we make up. It's usually, "I'm sorry I'm such a rotten person". So, the problem never gets solved or even discussed. I just apologize for the arguing and life goes on. I just tend to withdraw into myself and not share feelings, good or bad. I've been told I need to accept him as he is, and he is a good person and father, but I want to have the intimacy we used to have. We've been married 13 yrs.<br> Thanks for listening

Aileen, I hope you and your family had a pleasant Thanksgiving ...<p>I just want to let you know that I'm no counselor, but I've been reading like a crazy woman for the past two plus months since I found out that my husband was having an affair and that he was leaving me (he moved out finally the Monday before last ... details of my story are scattered throughout the Infidelity forum). I'd like to suggest a couple of books that have really helped me and that I think you might benefit from: "Give and Take" by the sponsor of this website, Dr. Willard Harley Jr.; and "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.<p>Give them a try - I think you'll find some useful information in them.<p>terri

Terri,<p> Thank you for listening. I posted my experiences (not good) at Thanksgiving on the "Other Topics" forum. Still no change in our status. My sister has wondered if he may have started an affair, but I think if that were the case, he would have improved his personal hygeine. He has said that once a week showering was perfectly normal. I'm trying to read all I can. Thanks for your suggestions; I'll try them.<br> If he decides at any time to make any attempt on our marriage, I will insist on marriage counseling, but right now I need him to show me he wants a marriage first.<p> Aileen