My wife & I are dealing with various problems, and she seems to keep returning to the fact that she is not allowed enough independence. <p>Her side: She feels I do many things on my own (recently it has been while on infrquent business travel), and it isn't fair that she isn't allowed to do as she pleases. If she goes out with some freinds after work, she says she resents having to call me to ask permission, check her watch to make sure she gets home at a decent time, etc. I understand how she needs some time away, tried to be accomodating, & typically (always?) say "go ahead." When I point this out, she says "yes, but you are gritting your teeth as you tell me, and I resent that." She confesses that this probably bugs her most since her dad was very controlling (she moved out the day she was 18), then met me about 6 months later for our first serious relationship, and then married. Missed freedom, I guess.<p>My side: I tell her that all the things she hates to HAVE to do are what NEEDS to be done to properly respect each other, & I have no problem doing them. My attitude for her going out I think soured awhile back when she went out "for a few drinks" with work friends right after work (4:30 PM). I falsely assumed she would be home for dinner an hour or 2 later, but she came home about 10:30 that night (an hour past normal workday bedtime). I was terribly hurt that she didn't feel obligated to call me, let me know she would be late, or whatever. I was freakin' at home thinking "she had and accident somewhere," then thinking no, she's just running late, then freakin' again. She apologized some the next day, but it seemed half-heared. Ever since I think I have been slightly on-guard thinking "what's next." She has not been out that late since, but she still seems to ramble in past dinner when she does (isn't the wife the usual one to complain like this???). In fact, as we uncovered a few problems between us recently, when she said she was going out I told her I how vulnerable I was at the time and that I wanted her home in 1.5 to 2 hours. She came home in 3 hours, and said "I purposely stayed an extra hour just because you didn't want me too."<p>Obviously, that didn't go over too well. I've told her that I guess I have to just assume if she says she will be out for awhile, that she will be home whenever.<p>Q: Are we being unfair to each other? Am I asking too much? Too controlling? Based on "His/Her Needs," which I just read, I don't think I am. I'm just starting "Give/Take," so don't know how that will help. Feedback is appreciated.

Lp,<p>Well in my view of things, I would say that you are not being controlling at all. Your wife seems to be trying hard to rationalize every thing she doing regarding being out with her friends. She needs to take responsiblity in her marriage and not be in a habit of being out with friends. It sounds like trust needs to be built back up in your marriage. Your wife needs to be aware of that. If she had a controlling father, that is no excuse or reason for her (in her marriage) to demand freedom. Now there are definitely controlling husbands in this world, that can cause major problems in a marriage, but to be a husband that just wants to trust his wife and have her show she can be trusted is a whole different situation. Somehow you need to sit down with your wife and look at this problem together...Work on it. Also when you get marriage to someone and if you care about your marriage, being accountable to each other daily is very important. You cant take on a total independant attitute. Being accountable to each other is what builds a marriage, and not being accountable is what weakens a marriage! Dont give up! <p>[This message has been edited by violet1 (edited 11-27-98).]

Could she be having an affair?

Thanks for the replies. The affair question is a bit sticky, and I even asked her this same question a couple of times (she did have one many years ago). She said "no," and I’ve been doing my best to accept that answer without really understanding everything that is bothering her right now. I must admit I was flippin’ out a bit since her recent behavior seemed to be exactly the same as when she did have her affair - depressed, bursting into tears over ???, saying things such as she doesn’t deserve me, withdrawn, etc. On different days, her "complaints" about me would surface such as the control issue. I’ve been trying to work with her, but she prefers to handle her problems on her own right now (she has been going to counseling in recent weeks).<p>I recently found the article "Resentment over Issues of Control, Dependency and Identity" on this web site, and it does seem relevant. A lot of it makes sense and I'm hoping it will help us both.