Early on in our relationship, my wife disclosed to me that she was raped when she was 15/16 by a 25 year old neighbor. He was just out of prison and she was extremely frightened by him. Her disclosure to me was the first time she had ever told ANYONE....and I am glad it was me.....but it was 15 years later.<p>We have been married for 5 years and it has occurred to me that the only time my wife can allow me to be intimate with her is when she is having wine. I have tried to initiate love making without any use of alcohol.....but she won't let me touch her........I can't even carress her gently without her being annoyed............she has been like this since we first met, I never really thought about it at first because we had a long distance courtship and alcohol was used as a celebration tool when we would see eachother. But after a couple of months into our marriage, I started asking "Why?".....and she has given me every excuse in the world why she can't be intimate with me without ALCOHOL. "It relaxes me...its normal...." And about her uneasiness with me carresing her say in the morning or at night without expectations of sex.......she claims..."woman don't like to be touched.....when they are not ready!" All I wanted to do was just show my wife that Ilove her and cuddle next to her in an itimate way......Nothing more!<p>Her rejection of me has made me extremely bitter and has caused me to be "verbally abusive" towards her........and she is now saying that because of the "verbal abuse"...she wants to end the marriage........for more than two years, I have pleaded with her to come to counseling with me......but she refuses.............Two nights ago I asked her gently, are you "afraid to talk about the rape in counseling?" Her answer to me......"that has nothing to do with us!"<p>She has only allowed herself to "love" me so much........I am completely vulnerable to her and she knows it.<p>Could this rape be the reason she A.) Won't allow herself to be intimate with me without alcohol? & B.) She refuses to go to counseling?.........And if so....what if anything can I do.......I would go to the ends of the earth to DO anything that would help her and save this marriage!

Your instincts are probably correct. It is *not* normal for a woman in love to need alcohol to prepare her to be touched. The comment "woman don't like to be touched .....when they are not ready!" is absolutely fictitious ... it is the touching that helps us to get "ready".<p>She is definitely in need of counseling for the rape and for her feelings about it - I don't know how to advise you since she has refused it ... I would suggest to you that you seek counseling to help you learn to deal with your verbal abuse problem and to learn to deal with her. Also, contact the rape crisis center for some information - they might have some ideas for you.<p>You might have to let her go, but seek counseling for yourself before you make any other moves.<p>Hope this helps a little...<p>terri

Thanks Terri....for your response...I am currently seeking counseling for my issues....and have ordered the book...."The Verbally Abusive Relationship." She is sending me so many mixed messages....She has asked for "space and time" to sort out her feelings....but she has stated that in her words that "we shouldn't be together..because of her feelings".......she says "its not fair that I hang on to a woman thta can't feel for me the way that I want."<p>We live in a 4 bedroom home...yet she sleeps in our bed every night...........we have a "savings goal"..and she still wants to contribute long term....like for the next three years............yet, two days ago she wanted to end the marriage............I refuse to talk about this situation with her because I am committed to giving her "space and time" and she doesn't want to talk...but the mixed messages are destroying me.......Is it over or do we have a chance?"...I don't want to push her....yet at the same time..........I don't want to miss or lose opportunities to "try".......I know in my heart she does love me and care for me.....and I want so deperately to help her seek "help".......Do I gently approach this...or do I just wait??????...Time is on our side.....but I am fearful that she is using time to walk away!<p>She is adamant about NOT seeking counseling....and I STRONGLY believe in counseling...and furthermore......I BELIEVE in her Love for me...and I know she can overcome this....How do I make HER believe?<p>

Hi Sean-<p>I feel for what you are going thru. I recently posted under "Other Topics" with the heading "Pro-Survivor". You may want to read my delema.<p>A "Pro-Survivor" is an individual married to an incest/rape/abuse victim.<p>Dealing with everyday things is hard and sex is even harder. I made a choice that worked for us for over 8 years, by work I mean I gave up my sexuality and allowed her to control it.<p>Counselling will help; <br> for you, to better understand what is going on.<br> for her, to face it.<p>But beware that what she ultimately faces may not be nice.<p>I suggest a couple of books:<br>Secret Survivors by E Sue Blume<br>Ghosts in the Bedroom: A Guide to Partners of Incest Survivors by Ken Graber, M.A.<br>Healing Together by Barbara Keesling<br>When You Are The PArtner of a Rape or Incest Survivor by Robert Barry Levine<br>If She Was Raped: A Book for Husbands, Fathers, and Male Friends by Alan McEnvoy & Jeff Brookings<p>My prayers are with you,<p>P.S. I tried the Women's Rape Hotlines (several of them) and they were of no help to me.<br>

Sean<br>I would have thought more people would have replied to you.<p>I pray with you, I understand.<p>Timothy, a pro-survivor

Thanks Timothy...........I'm in that "Limbo" stage...just trying to comply with her "space and time" requirements..........Things don't seem to be heading anywhere.....but I'm still committed.<p>If she would just "TRY".........no matter what the outcome....I could deal with this all.....but her lack of effort and total disregard for my feelings.....simply shreds my heart.<p>No time is a good time for any of this....but the holidays make this "unbearable"....<p>Thanks again for your prayers...Know that I do the same for all us in this "situation!"<p>Sean

Okay, here goes -- I also deal with many problems in my life as a result of rape / incest. I have worked myself past the feelings of hating sex to where I now really enjoy it, but it still makes me very nervous. Because of the nervousness, if I can manage a drink or two in beforehand -- I'm much more relaxed and I can be myself without feeling so awkward. I don't have to do this, but my husband has noticed that after I've had a drink sex is much more "fun". (when it happens) Prior to this, sex was something that I dreaded. I would just pray quietly that no one would touch me or suggest doing so. You tend to feel like you're being "bad" because someone was once "bad" to you. It's all very complicated and, YES, it does deserve counseling. Try to be patient. If your wife truly still loves you, you'll be able to work through it.

BE PATIENT! BE PATIENT! BE PATIENT! Dealing with rape may be one of the most difficult things a woman can live with and NEVER goes away. A woman can heal from a rape but she'll never forget it. But she must deal with it for her own sake but she won't heal unless she works through it. No amount of ignoring it, pushing it to the back of her mind, trying to forget it will work. This means counseling, reading, exploring, unconditional love, and support. I suggest finding a loving Christian counselor who will listen, support, show acceptance, and never suggest harmful ideas.<p>For you, read read read...read anything you can find about being the partner of a victim of sexual abuse and get support for yourself as well.

Thanks K & JoAnn for your replies.....I have done a ton of reading over the years..and i do realize the effects are devastating....I know I can't bring this subject to the table now.....but if things do head toward a reconciliation......do you have suggestions as to how to broach the issue?..And how to persuade "counseling????"

Sean-<br>Kindness, tenderness, patientts, and a secure surroundings are the best things. It is not easy.<p>Try two of the books I wrote you about: <br>"Ghosts in the Bedroom: A Guide to Partners of Incest Survivors" by Ken Graber, M.A.<br>"If She Was Raped: A Book for Husbands, Fathers, and Male Friends" by Alan McEnvoy & Jeff Brookings<p>My prayers are with you.

Sean <br>I am sorry about what you are facing. Its got to be tough, and its obvious you are fighting for your marriage, which deserves a congratulations. Anymore people walk out. Do you both have any Christian support? Do you pray together? Jesus is the best counselor and healer of all times. Its my prayer that you will know His peace and comfort and courage through these trying times.<br>Take Care<br>Smitha

Sean, I hate to say it but there isn't a whole lot of persuasion that you can do that will work to get your wife into counseling if she's dead set against it. You could try counseling on your own and learn some better techniques on how to deal with it and maybe your counselor could help you to bring your wife around. From experience I'd say, don't push her -- it could have the opposite effect on her. Patience.....you've got to have a lot of it. That's the best tip. And try and work on yourself as far as your understanding and coping with it because it is an issue for both of you to work through. There is a possibility that with the right kind of handing, you can get your wife past this and make her a little more receptive to having your help (or someone else's). Even though it's wrong, there is a level of shame involved. A lot of people feel like they've done something wrong and they're the cause of the situation, so it's hard for them to get into those feelings more openly. I wish you luck!