Today is my one month wedding anniversary. I am supposed to be happy and enjoying this wonderful time in my life, and all I feel is that I have made the most horrible mistake of my life. I moved a long way to be with my husband (2000 miles) and now I feel desperately trapped with no way out and no where to go. Things have drastically changed since we got married. It seems like the person that I moved so far to be with doesnt exist. I have caught my husband in 4 different lies since we have married mostly about money. The first problem begins here. He doesnt understand that when he lies he makes it difficult for me to trust him. He feels that each incident becomes a new one and he has said that I have no right to hold the lies against him once he has acknowledged them. He never appologises for them and he thinks that I have a problem because I cant get past things. <br>The next problem comes down to intimacy and affection. When things are good he is happy but he doesnt interact with me. He is a computer freak and he spends all his time on the computer and none with me. When we are fighting he still spends all his time on the computer but he occasionally takes the time to come and stare at me accusingly for "daring" to be upset, and then he goes back to the computer. When I try to talk to him, he refuses to acknowledge that there is a problem, and if I leave things and hope that I can just resolve my feelings on my own he gets mad at me for not telling him there is any problem right when I get upset. We rarely have sex anymore and when we do that just causes problems because he doesnt care anymore about my feelings in this matter. The word forplay has left his vocabulary and the word orgasm has left mine... and he doesnt care. I am beginning to regret my marriage and I just want to go home to my friends and family, and when I told him that he blew up, and accused me of not trying and not listening to what he has to say. When we fight he tells me to "shutup" and when I told him that was unacceptable to tell me that and that if it continued that would be the fastest way to the end of our relationship he told me that he would talk to me whatever way he wanted to and he would not allow me to make ultimatums. I feel like I cry every single day and I dont know what to do. I want this to work out, but he is not the person that I fell in love with anymore, and he doesnt feel like he has changed at all. I told him that I was going to go home to my parents if he didnt give me a good reason to stay and all I feel like is that he doesnt care. He doesnt understand that if I feel like I would rather die than stay here if things dont change soon. Can someone please help me? Am I fighting a lost cause?

I am not sure that I can offer you many words of encouragement. I found myself in a similar situation not to long ago. 4 hours from any family, being lied about stupid little things and then later about big things (secret bank accounts), going out until all hours, no responsibilities around the house, no conversation, no sex life, being told that 'all I want to do is talk', 'that I am being irrational', that 'the way I am feeling is rediculouse', 'but of course I love you, I wouldn't have stayed if I didn't'. I have stuck it out for 18monthes, but it has been tough and it has taken a tole on my self-esteem. <p>Is there anything in your husbands history that could give a clue to this change in attitued? Divorce, alcoholism, abuse, or even minor incidences? How old is your husband? I know that age is not an excuse, my husband is ONLY 24, but he chose to ask me to marry him, he wasn't pressured. My husbands typical excuse is that being married to me isn't what he thought it would be. I tightened the leash to fast to soon. I do have high expectations for myself, my husband and my marriage. Maybe to high. Sometimes I think that maybe the change wasn't in my husband, but in me. I set about to meet my expectations of marriage, while he had no clue. He went back to living like he always did, whether I was there or not. <p>I can't tell you whether to stay or go, you have to decide for yourself. It has only been a month. Maybe he needs to see that you are in it for the long haul and that you love him unconditionally. Then again, do not tolerate lying and emotional abuse. You have to make the decision. In my case, things have not improved a whole lot. We tried counseling, it helped, but then H decided that we weren't going anymore. I think that you should talk to a close family member. They need to know what is going on and you need the support system. Also, pray. it hasn't worked any major maricles for my marriage yet, but it helping to keep my sanity. Sorry I can't be more help.

I'm writing to tell you that there may be hope. Of course, it takes the work of two people to keep a marriage going but someone has to begin the work when things aren't working well. My husband and I got married August 97. Our marriage started off poorly when the turnout to our wedding was really low. Our first days together were depressing because we couldn't get over the hurt of the majority of invitees not coming. Our relationship was strained from the beginning and didn't become better until over 6 months into the marriage. My husband too enjoys the computer and withdrew into it. I withdrew into depression on the couch. We seldom spoke and when we did, often, we fought. We both felt that the marriage may have been a mistake. A co-worker gave me "His Needs, Her Needs" to read. Then we bought "Love Busters" and "Give and Take". In reading these three books, I found that I wasn't meeting my husband's needs and he wasn't meeting mine. We both read the books, took the questionaires, talked about the answers of the questionaires, talked, and fought about the questionaires. I decided to do everything possible to try to meet his needs and not commit any of the Love Busters. Just my doing that eased things up a bit. He also worked on some things. It took a long time but it was commitment from both of us and work that paid off. If you try to follow the advise in the books and after a while find that you aren't getting anywhere, maybe the right course is to separate (not divorce) and make counseling a requirement for coming back (maybe even telephone counseling with Dr. Harley's staff - not all marriage counselors provide successful answers). You will want to set goals for each other and not consider moving back in until you are reasonably sure the goals are being worked on, met, and will continue to be met. Dr. Harley talks about this in "His Needs, Her Needs". I feel strong for the methods Dr. Harley uses. They are sound, backed by years of experience, and follow Christian principles.

I do not have alot of knowledge in marriage I have learned through the years that my happiness is not anyones responsability but my own. I have had some very rough times in my marriage, my husband not only withdraws into the computter but he also escapes threw music. He plays in a band and it has always seemed to me that everything else was more important than our relationship. I really tried to control the situation but failed bad, I also made threats to if you don't I'm gonna.. and so on.Just like you my husband got angry an thought I was crazy, it was'nt until I started getting a life and finding my own interest that he started to notice that I could live without him and one way or another I would be happy. See I really hate these computters, I don't think I even know how to spell it, but because he finds so much interest in them I decided to find out what all the fuss was. He has really seemed proud that I have done this. My husband was 24 when I married him and I was 30 I had to realize there was alot of difference between the both of us and even though I did not like 90% of the things he did there was something that I was attracted to, and somewhere that was still there. No my marriage has been nothing like I had hoped it would be and he has lied to me more than a few times. I do understand today that there are reasons why people lie and usually it is out of some kind of fear, Machoism will not usually admit to fear so don't get your hopes up. Give it time and learn toward more positive advice not spontanious advice.<br>The first year is the hardest then it just gets different. Also remember not to settle.<br>You do deserve the very best and that can only came from you. Make yourself happy.