A few weeks ago I posted that I had filed for Divorce and I regretted it. I received only two repsonses which I was very disappointed in. I determined from that, that few people have sympathy for the person who files. It must be understood that not everyone files for divorce on a whim. I am one of those, however, after a long break, I do now realise in hindsight that I too had a part in things and now am prepared to do anything I can to right things. <p>My husband left the country, within a week, for a preplanned trip and we didn't speak for 4 months, although I did call and leave messages and he never responded. I then went away for a much needed break. Since we have both returned (we don't live together since he left after receiving the divorce papers) I have made all the contact. I only managed to make the first contact by walking up to him at his work place where he politely told me he didn't want to see me and to leave. I wouldn't go until he agreed to meet me and he did that night but basically to tell me that it was over and he wanted the divorce to proceed. I filed so it was up to me to carry it on, but I told him I wasn't going to. The way his response was worded allows him to continue once my complaint drops off the calendar! I have persisted in a respectful manner through the help and support of prayer, determination and some responses here. <p>He never called or contacted me once while he was away even though I managed to speak to him the night before he left to explain that I felt I had no choice and things had become so bad between us, that he had no respect for me and I felt it was all I could do to 'save' myself at the time. I don't even believe in divorce! We have both been back for about three weeks. So far, I have met him once and have spoken to him for a total of maybe 4 hours. I have always loved him deeply and still do. I feel that this relationship is so worthwhile. We have been together for 7 years and married for 5.5. No other woman, no other man, no alcohol, no drugs, none of the typical ingredients. A collapsed career on his part, diagnosed as a maniac deppresive which neither of us believe to be true, a selfish, alcohol loving mother-in-law who treated me badly who abused me verbally and attempted physically during a drunken stupor for absolutely no apparent reaso and a lot of stress on my part. A total breakdown in communication which allowed anger and resentment to invade.<p>Now this week, reitereated tonight, he has told me now that he is in no hurry to go ahead with the divorce and my complaint will expire in a month, although he could then go ahead but claims he doesn't want to. That sounds good compared to a few weeks ago, but insists and insists that he does not want to be with me at all. The two of course contradict each other. I asked him over the phone this evening if he ever thinks that he'd like to see me or to go out. He said he doesn't even think about us like that and when he thinks of us the anger just stops the thoughts right away. He is a very smart, deep thinking individual who was sent to boarding school in a different country from the age of 7. He says that he can't seem to get past the anger and that he needs to be completely by himself, to heal himself. He refuses to go to get any type of counselling and requested that I not get him any more self help books. He doesn't think he will ever get back with me as he doesn't want to go back to the same situation. I have tried to assure him that for my part I have changed a number of things about myslef and that we can have a better relationship than ever. He doesn't want to get divorced in a hurry because he is afraid that if his attitude changes or if the anger dissipates he may find that his attitudebeneath the anger is different. He says he loves me, cares about me greatly and worries about me all the time, but doesn't want to have anything to do with me except to be friends, maybe. He is in no fit state to even consider another woman and am confident that is true. He's a very unique guy and is deeply affected by rejection because of growing up feeling rejected by his parents.<p>My question is, if he loves me why does he have this attitude. Why does he cut me off so much, although reading this site I know I am luckier than most. I know the obvious reason is anger. When should I expect to see a melting of this, it has already been 5 months. I know it's hard to quantify time in an instance like this. Should I go away and leave him alone for a few months? He lives 5 miles from me now which is very hard. I have spent hours tonight crying, sobbing and cannot sleep at night. Do not want to get sleeping tablets and now find that Tylemol PM and Night Quill aren't working. Teas don't work and I am walking every day to tire myself. <p>Can anyone please help as I am really getting really down do not want to get to a depressed state?<p>Thanks,<p>Fionn <p>[This message has been edited by Fionn (edited 12-02-98).]<p>[This message has been edited by Fionn (edited 12-02-98).]

Dear Fionna - <p>Sounds some like the situation I am going thru, except that my H was the one who wanted the divorce... He has moved out recently to "think about things", but like your H, he is drowning in anger and resentment against me for having let him down. Says he does not believe I can change.<p>It is extremely hard, my heart is broken, and yet I have to find the energy to not only get through every day, but make changes too.<p>We both have some things going for us - your H says he does not want a divorce, my H has shifted from "wanting a divorce because he doesn't think we can fix it" to "maybe we can fix it". So all is not lost. Both H's say they are staying away to prevent saying something that will irrevocably end things. Doesn't this show that they care enough to hold back? That they are really seriously thniking about it all?<p>You say you have made changes - I am in the process of the same. My problem is - if he is away how can i communicate that i have made changes? I have realized that actions are stronger than words... the more I tell him I have changed the less he believes me. So no more telling him - only being visibly different in my approach to our situation.<p>I realized I have to stop beating myself up for my part in my problems. Are yous till beating yourself up about filing for divorce? Likely. Accept that you did it and move on.<p>I am looking at this separation as a challenge and opportunity to improve.<p>One thing I am doing that may be helping (have only started) is making a list of "how he expects me to act/react" versus "how can I behave in away that he does not expect". Your H does not expect that you can change - show him by doing something that he does not expect.<p>Hope this helps...<br>Janet

Hi Janet: Thank you very much for responding, I really appreciate it. You have made some very valid points. Actions do speak louder than words. My situation is somewhat complicated in so far as I am staying in the town where we both own a house and I am living in it just to try and work on things. He doesn't want me waiting around just for him as he does not want to give me hope that he doesn't know is there or not. He is trying to be as honest with me as he can, but it really hurts. I quit my job when I came back here as the time it consumed in my life and the effect it had on me was taking a toll on us. I thought that was a great step and so did he, but he is still not prepared to try. The state that I am in now is deciding whether or not to leave here as I only came here because of him and to sell the house. He said that he wanted to get disintangled from me financially and so we can lead seperate lives but not get divorced. One, he seems to want it both ways or two, he is afraid to throw everything away knowing that he is so angry in himself.<p>I would love if anyone could tell me about this sort of anger! He also said that he can't take care of two people now, he can bearly take care of himself. he's talking emotionally. I felt really hurt by this as I have never been a burden and have looked after the two of us for 80% of our marriage. I have always been the responsible partner.<p>Thanks again Janet. It's 1:00pm and I just got up after a terrible night of crying and unbearable pain and now won't go out because it's so obvious that I have been crying.<p>Take care and good luck with your own situation.<p>Fionn

I don't know if this will help or not, but I am facing some things like your husband. Because of my childhood I have alot of anger that is causing problems in my marriage. I'm trying to deal with them, but it is hard. I am also going for counseling. I don't see how your husband is going to work through these things without counseling. Getting over anger and hurt from parents is a hard thing to do and it effects every part of your life. If you know of anyone at all that has any influence with him, please get them to talk him into counseling or things will get worse. Hurting causes anger. Pent up feelings from childhood can be very destructive. They can destroy your life. I'm determined they won't destry my marriage or my life. I hoped I helped.

Hi Shal44:<p>Thank you so much for responding to my post. Your message did help, it offered me support. Thank you. My husband will not go for counselling no matter what. There is no one I can think of that could persuade him. if he ever does it, it will only be when he is ready. We live in a very small place and he would not feel comfortable in case anyone were to know his business. He is also extremely stubborn.<p>I had to go away after my last post as I was so upset, I needed a break. When I arrived back tonight he had left a message to say he had called. I had written a very personal letter to him, full of positive things, nothing to do directly with our situation. No mention of wondering why, what, when where. None of that stuff, just reasons why I want him back, how I feel about him, how understanding I feel towards his feelings at the moment, how much I have changed in myself and how open and willing I am to try again. It was a measured love letter essentially. I asked him to focus on all of the reasons why we should be together, not why we shouldn't and so on and so forth. I was pleased with it, although hesitated to send it as I felt a little embarrassed. I'm glad I sent it though and at least he called me back although I have yet to speak with him, but I'll maintain a positive attitude and feel full of goodwill towards him.<p>I should consider myself lucky as in the past three weeks, I have gone from my first meeting with him where he told me to go away and he didn't want to see me, to him agreeing to meet me later on that night, to receiving three calls from him. I'll remain the eternal optimist and will keep trying slowly, gently but surely!!<p>Thanks again,<p>Hope you are doing well, sounds like the counselling is helping you.<p>Fionn

Yes, counseling is helping me alot. I still have good days and bad days though. I think sometimes I drive my husband crazy. But you are doing the right thing. You are being very positive and reassuring. That is the best thing you can do. It may take time, but I think eventually you'll convince him that you really do love him. That is one of things I struggle with daily. Due to my scars from childhood, there are days I don't think my husband loves me. Although he does and has been very patient with me and has tried his best to reassure me. So yes, you are doing the right thing, and I think the signs look good. Good luck to you.

Hello,<p>Although I don't have the answer you're searching for, I have to agree that w/o any help, his anger won't subside. Some individuals have a hard time admitting that the problem exists and will steadfastely deny their faults. I'm trying so hard to do something w/ our relationship, but he refuses to acknowledge any of his faults and wants me to change just for him. I have made some progress, but I have also worsened my temper through that course.<p>Anger is built from so many factors and your husband needs to realize that it's wrong to hurt others because he's thinking for himself. All those years of enduring his pain, his mode of shutting others out is a handy little gimmick he learned to block the pain. He probably doesn't realize it's hurting you 'cuz the function goes on autopilot whenever necessary. Since he never healed his wounds, the pain deepens since the feelings get bottled up. <p>Although he is not seeking help, I don't how he'll deal with the short fuses because no one will be there to differentiate the black and white scenarios. Anger is difficult to control since the emotions are so strong and almost anything can trigger it. He won't listen to you since he's thinking to himself, "what do you really know?" He has to be willing to change and make that commitment w/o help. I have plenty of anger which developed during my marriage, but not before it. I have blown up at my friends and my dear mother which I have regretted deeply. So I count to 35 in Spanish (I don't speak and it takes longer to do than in English) and I try to laugh it all off. I don't want to lose any more of my true self on my husband's behalf. <p>I hope that your husband will make tentative steps for you and realize that any effort is all worth the while.<p>Take care,<br>Linda<p>[This message has been edited by LSM (edited 12-13-98).]

I think your husband is being as honest as he can be right now. My husband has alot of unresolved issues and is a very angry man regarding things in his past. He refuses counseling, something I have asked for for 4 years. No, NOT, no way! Your husband sounds like he is in alot of pain and your filing may have triggered alot of stuff from the past. I pray for my husband to have a softened heart....which IS happenening towards me. But the other issues will be there until he can really look at them, he buries everything and is non real communicative. It may take awhile for both of our husbands to deal with these issues, maybe never, but your husband NEEDS his pain so he is forced to look at things and make a choice to rebury or work thru it. Your pain, my pain, causes us to reach out and seek help and make changes. Some people don't know how to do that...like our men. Don't give up hope, pray for him to have his heart softened from the anger, don't pray for healing, he needs this as a precurser to healing. Anti-depressants are great, they sure help me, also there are herbs that help, even St. John's wort is natural, you can't take it while you are on anti-depressants if you decide to take them. Calms Forte is a natural relaxer, I take Rescue Remedy (a Bach flower essence) to relax. You might try going to a health food store where they have a nutritionist on staff that knows alot about herbs and stuff. It should be free consult. Remember, depression is a chemical imbalance and many of us that come to this forum take anit-depressants and other medication to help us get thru. Calcium tablets with magnesium helps, or a glass of milk with a banana before bed may help. Valerian, a herb, has helped me with sleep, and is good for pain management. I can go on and on with this, so it is probably better to contact someone at a health food store, or talk to your doctor about not sleeping and your anxiety and depression. Good luck hon, JADE

Thank you LSM and Jade1 for your responses which are very much appreciated!<p>LSM, I haven't looked at the forum for a while and so apologise for not responding specifically to your kind words, but do know they are appreciated.<p>My husband's anger is not so apparent in the sense that he loses his temper, mind you I have only seen him once in almost six months so I really don't know. He is a calm individual as a rule and very composed. So it is the deep quiet anger that poisons one's system. He has raised his voice on the phone to me and the most recent lengthy conversation shouted that he was angry and bitter and why couldn't I leave him be like that for as long as it takes!!! I was pleased about this thinking he was coming out of the withdrawal stage and back into conflict! I thought it was good that he said that as it helped me to understand a little more. He's afraid to take the risk of coming back and says that it would only be a matter of time before I would get 'tired' of him again. He refuses to go to counselling, point blank. I would ask to meet him and he said that there was no point, what was the point. To which I responded, seeing each other once in almost five months after seven years, if you can't work that out I'm not going to explain it to you. The next call was a message to tell him I was going away for a few days and he was on the phone to me first thing the next morning saying that he would meet me when I came back. I was thrilled. I arrived back, left a message for him to let him know and didn't hear from him for days. The day I left I also sent him paperwork signed by me to have the divorce complaint thrown out. I put a place for him to sign and a sticky saying that I was absolutely not going ahead. This was as a result of an earlier conversation whereby I went in to have it dismissed, didn't as a result of the court saying there was no point as it would drop off anyway. I told him this and he made smart comments that the only reason I didn't go ahead was because I wanted to cover all my bases. So, I sent the paperwork to him and as mentioned didn't hear from him. I called and left some messages and finally received a call back this morning saying that he would meet me the weekend following the New Year!!! I immediately realised that he was saying not by Christmas. He went on to say that he doesn't want to see or hear from me on Christmas or the New Year. I told him that I had a gift for him and was he not interested in having our usual Christmas drink. He said that he wasn't going to accept my gift. This was a nice call at 7:30am! He said that he was going a head with things as a result of my sending him the paperwork and putting a place for him to sign on it!! He's mad I guess that I would presume or assume which is not what I was doing. I thought it would please him. I had sent him a really long letter which he called me after and seemed to like it. It was very positive, telling him how I felt and what I really wanted to happen between us. His response was that 'I'm not convinced", which implied to me that if he was convinced of my feelings for him, that he would come back!!!<p>It's so hard, he's so stubborn. I just don't understand, except he seems to speak in a manner that implies that he doesn't seem to think that I would want him! He told me that I would be free of him and that I could do what I wanted with my life abd wouldn't have to answer to anyone. I would be much better off. I guess he thinks that he is doing me a huge favor!!.<p>I don't understand as he says he loves me and yet that it doesn't matter that we are husband and wife anymore as it just isn't going to work! When I ask him what he is specifically angry about he won't tell me or isn't specific about anything.<p>I keep thinking why does he claim to care about me and yet how can he be so cold at this time of the year! He knows I am going to be on my own for Christmas and yet he doen't seem to give a damn. This doesn't sound like a person that loves me! He wants me to leave and go home to my family (in a different country) but I don't want to. I want to be near him just in case I have an opportunity to see him, in case he changes his mind.<p>What should I do? Should I wait until the Saturday after the New Year? Should I try and get the present to him? Should I give up? I love this guy. He's being so stubborn, afraid, angry, hurt, cold, childish, spoilt, selfish and a myriad of other things. <p>To quote others, I am supposedly beautiful, I do have a great figure, I know am really smart, have a great personality and am blessed in so many ways and yet I put up with being treated now in a less than acceptable manner, realising of course that I did file for divorce. I'm beginning to wonder whether on some unconscious level my husband has pushed me to do the deed that he really wanted done!! May be I am just searching everywhere to make head or tail of this mess. Also I love him and so still want to try to get my husband to open up to me. When do you know when enough is enough? At what point are you just making a fool of yourself? One of my friends believes he is trying to punish me for hurting him so much and also feels that he is trying to push me to see how much I actually do love him!!! There is only so much one person can take. However, I don't want to give up yet and if I ever do, his fears about me will only be justified in his mind! Any advice would be really welcome! Please remember that I am not in the position of seeing my husband in our home on a day to day basis. A lot of people in this forum seem to have that luxury.<p>Hope everyone out there has a wonderful holiday period and love your spouse, hang on to them and do whatever you can before they walk out the door. <p><br>Fionn