What can I do to get my husband back or should I take him back? We met in September of 1997, married June of 1998 and filed for divorce in mid September of 1998. We’re both computer professionals -he’s 24 and I’m 35. After one month of marriage I found out that prior to our marriage, he went through a bankruptcy. He told me that he had bad credit, but he never mentioned the bankruptcy. When I talked him into applying for a charge card, the clerk told me he was denied due to a bankruptcy and some other marks on his credit rating. Before marriage he mentioned that he had bad credit, but that’s not the same as a bankruptcy. After that incident, I didn’t trust him. I began to feel that he married me because he needed a credit source and I worried that his only purpose for marrying me was financial (house, 401k, etc). I asked why he didn’t tell me beforehand and he shrugged it off by saying, “I told you I had bad credit”. I probably would have married him anyway, but the lie made me worry. He then accused me of marrying him to help pay my debt. He started making accusations that I planned to have him pay off my debt and then I was going to leave him. Hearing this made me think it was a projection –this was his plan and I was going to be used.<p>Along with the major lie, he was hypercritical and hypersensitive (began within 3 months of dating), but he promised that it would stop. By this time he was also insisting that we move to another state within a couple of months. Due to the continued criticism and the lack of trust, I was too frightened to move anywhere with him. Before our July honeymoon, I asked for a divorce and requested that he move out immediately. We reconciled, but the criticism didn’t stop. Out of desperation, I asked for a divorce again. I was tired of the constant criticism and emotional neglect; however, I really didn’t want to lose him. My hope was that he would stop the criticism if he feared losing me. By the time September of 1998 arrived, we were constantly arguing and we’d visited a marriage counselor once (he was always to busy to make another appointment). In mid September, I filed for a divorce because he insisted. Even though I tried for two months to reconcile, he still wanted a divorce and refused to see a marriage counselor. In mid November, I accepted the fact that my husband left me. I was finally sleeping at night and doing some constructive things with my life such as working on my Bachelor’s degree and taking piano lessons. I knew that he was moving to a different state and I figured that would create the closure that I needed to get on with my life. Our divorce is not final and when he arrived in the new state (1500 miles away) he asked to reconcile our marriage.<p>He acknowledged that he missed me, yet he continued to blame me for everything that went wrong in our marriage. During our talk, I asked when he wanted me to move and he replied, “He hadn’t thought about it”. It was confusing because on the one hand he was asking to reconcile, but there was nothing in his voice that indicated sincerity. I love him and I believe in marriage so I was willing to listen. The next day he emailed a scathing email message that outlined what he was and wasn’t going to tolerate and essentially stated that if I had a problem with any of the items we could forget about reconciling. Of course, I was livid and responded with an email message asking why he wasn’t being compassionate. I also explained that this was the type behavior that attributed to our demise (Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde –nice one minute and seething the next). He called to apologize, but during further talks, I never heard anything that indicated he was willing to give our marriage 100% effort. Nor did I hear anything that made me feel secure financially or emotionally. Moving to another state is a major undertaking. I’d have to sell the house, quit my job, find a new job in the new state, leave family and friends and move to a state where I know no one.<p>During several conversations and in several emails, I tried to help him understand my hesitancy in moving. He claims he doesn’t understand why I am hesitating. Based on the responses from him regarding my three major concerns, I get the impression that he really wants to be single. My major concerns: I want to be first in his life; If he wants to lunch with females, I want him to go with a group instead of one on one; I want joint decision making and joint accounts; I want him to be empathetic. He claims he needs time to trust that I won’t ask for a divorce again. He says after a year or so, we can make decisions together and have joint accounts; however, his job comes first and he will handle female friends however he choses. In our last correspondence, I told him that I needed to have joint decision making and joint accounts (I want to be an integral part of his life). The only thing he heard is that I want joint accounts. He misinterpreted what I said and accused me of ending our reconciliation because he won’t agree to share his money. I’m so confused. I feel like I am going crazy. Even though I tried to explain my major concerns which are listed above, he only focused on one aspect. I want him in my life, but he doesn’t seem to hear me. Is this a lost cause? If not, what can I do to get him back?<p>

I am sorry to say this but i think it is a lost cause. your ex-husband feels that you have the control. your house, your money, your dictates. He feels very out of control. You do not need him you want him. This scares him so in desperation he moved out of state hoping that by doing so he would be in control but your conditions will not allow that. you want joint control. it is a major power struggle one you will lose if you move. he knows this and deep down so do you. Why else ask for the conditions? he wants to control you and live his live without you having a say in it. seperate accounts other women. new job. no friends. this will be how he gets the control cutting you off from all your support. maybe you are to strong for him or maybe you scare him some other way regardless do not move. If he loves you he will come to you. You are secure fanically and if it doesn't work out then at least you have something to fall back on. If you move you have nothing and he knows it.

Please do not readjust your whole life for your husband. He is very immature. I married my husband when he was 24 and I was 41. We have had our share of problems, including an affiar. He went right from a controlled home environment to the marine corp. Then he was faced with reality and that life isn't black or white, has no personal direction, gets confused, and basically doesn't know what to do. He sees me as a mother figure at times, altho I don't know why. I am more mature emotionally and spiritually then him, but he can be very grounding for me, is responsible with finances and has a good work ethic. If your husbqand is making all these selfish demands without making any definate communication and commitment, he can ruin your life with his immaturity. I have no advise for you in how to handle the situation with you husband, but I have been in the situation of caring for someone, and getting into finacial trouble, loss of jewlrey and possessions because I listened to the guy I was with. We have no guareentees that our men will trun around, and I have learned the hard way not to let men control me in that route. Thank God you have a house and have been planning for yourself. Don't lose it now "for the sake of love", he has no grasp on how hard you have worked for your future nor does he care about long term, he is only looking at short term personal gratification! Don't do it! JADE

I cried as I read the responses. The two of you have great insight into his behavior.<p>After he walked out, I began seeing a counselor to help me through the grieving process. After filling her in on the details and adding in subsequent situations, she concluded that he has control issues, he is “emotionally immature”, he wasn’t ready for marriage.<p>She said that I’m emotionally immature as well. I saw all of the signs before marriage, but I wanted love and marriage so badly that I ignored reality. Throughout the relationship he’s continually exhibited controlling behavior. I also knew how cruel he could be to other people. I also knew that he was a thrill seeker –usually thrill seekers aren’t long term commitment oriented. <p>Two weeks ago, the sh@# hit the fan. I was sick with something just shy of pneumonia and needed extra money, so I went to work on a Sunday. I was incredibly sick and could barely speak, but I returned his phone call. During the conversation, I informed him that I could never be happy in a marriage where I didn’t have a joint say in what happened. I thought we were negotiating, so in my mind this was his queue to move a little towards my direction. He said he understood and we hung up the phone. The next morning, I checked my email messages and he apparently misunderstood me since his message said, “well it’s really over this time”. His message also said “there were other women who like him without having access to his money” and he went on to accuse me of dating before the divorce was final (the divorce still isn’t final and I haven’t dated yet).<p> It was 7:00 am my time when I received the message. It upset me so much, that I called him immediately (4:00 am his time). Even though my voice was totally raspy I tried to explain that he’d misunderstood. He said I’d rejected him too many times and he didn’t want to try anymore.<p>Later that day I received another email saying, “by the way, since you broke the rule of not interfering with my sleep, you’re not allowed to call me anymore". I immediately threw away his address and phone number and emailed that he was never to contact me again along with a lengthy explanation regarding his unfair treatment of me. Momentarily it felt really good. After a week passed the pain of knowing I’d never see or talk to him again became too much to bear. This will sound pathetic (not that everything up to now hasn’t), but I emailed him again with three simple words “I love you”. He responded “I love you more”. I made a last ditch attempt and the next message from me said, “Shall we try again”. He, of course, replied that he didn’t want to negotiate. If I was willing to live with the terms that he came up with we could reconcile. I responded that “I couldn’t be his roommate”. A few days later I received a present in the mail (software, books and a couple of personal items). There wasn’t a note in the box, but based on its contents, I knew it was from my ex-husband. Once again, I sent an email pouring out my heart by regaling how happy it made me and how much it made me think of him. I even indicated that I would have called or written to say thanks, if I hadn’t thrown away his contact information. He called the next day –just to say hello, nothing else. Finally, I’m starting to realize he’s already moved on.<p>He’ll be in town for the holiday (he didn’t ask to see me). The pain will be too great knowing that he’s in town so I am going to drive out of State for the holiday. I do miss him -although, I don’t know why. Most of the time I was miserable with him and he rarely had anything nice to say to me. Perhaps, it was the dream. His words painted a picture of how wonderful our life would be together. I still want that happiness even if it’s not with him.<p>Of course, I know that it would be to my detriment to move out of state. He really enjoys his new job, so the odds of him moving back are pretty slim. Even if he moved back, the odds of him wanting me are miniscule. Believe it or not, even knowing all of this, it doesn’t stop me from praying for a miracle. <p>Thanks for replying to my post. I will stay where I am, move on with my life and continue to pray for a husband who will truly love me. Have a blessed holiday season. <br>

dear iamlovable,<br>I read your reply and it touched me deeply. You are not wrong to have tried every thing you knew of to win your husband back. If you did not try you would have been asking yourself for the rest of your life whatif i would have done this or that. This way you know that it was not your fault. Sometimes people do not want to compromise. It is very hard to comprimise because the person never truly gets what they want but if you also get satisfaction from seeing your spouse happy then the little bit that you do get is enough. Your ex-husband seems like the person that does not recieve happiness from giving thus he will not nor will he ever comprimise because to him compromise means losing not winning. i am sorry for your pain but time will heal the sharp ache. You may always have a dull ache but hopefully you will find someone you will help you heal that also.

Dear Lovable,<br>I have no doubt that you are lovable. But until you know that, for yourself, until you love yourself, please don't get involved with another man. Until you feel whole in who you are, you are going to have a very difficult time in relationships. You are lovable, with or without a man. (I am NOT man bashing ...) But if you look to anyone other than yourself for happiness, you will be disappointed. You are responsible for your feelings, and your ultimate happiness. That does not mean let someone walk on you, and tell yourself you are happy ... it means take care of yourself, be content in who and what you are, and when you are able to give to someone else, without hurting yourself in the process, go for it. Please continue to see the counselor, and work through your emotional issues. You will be glad you did. I wish you the best .. Melanie