After reading through the concepts, I know my marriage has a lot of deep-seated problems. I guess the main one is that I feel as if I'm not in a marriage at all, that I'm basically the housekeeper and babysitter. I'm a housewife, and I homeschool our children in addition to the other duties. My husband is often inconsiderate. For instance, coming and going as he pleases. He rarely lets me know when he's leaving, whether it's to run an errand or leave for work. So often I've turned around and discovered he's not home. If he's going to be more than a half hour late, he doesn't call. If he's home while I'm homeschooling, he'll change my method of teaching. Sometimes he'll interject comments, and the facts aren't right. (I spend about 10-20 hours a week doing research for my lesson plans) About money: That is a sore subject. We've been behind on our mortgage for months and rarely fulfills the agreements with the creditors. Yet, he constantly spends money on things he thinks he "needs" such as electronics, cell phone or for "tools" in a multi-level marketing scheme he is in. We argue about that all the time as well. He says I don't want him to be successful. When I showed him the research I had done on the company, its illegal practices, etc., he said it was all fabricated. When I ask him about the finances, his response is "We're fine." If I press him for an answer, he becomes angry. Usually conversations about money end in tears. (mine)<br>Lately, I can't have a conversation with him without it resulting in an argument, whether it be about his secretiveness about our finances, his lack of consideration, his undermining my teaching and disciplining the children, or even sex. <br>I've run on and on. I know we need counseling (his family has suggested this to him as well) but he doesn't think there's anything wrong with our marriage, and that I'm being selfish.<br>Thanks for any input.<br>

Ivy,<p>I would just like let you know that there is hope for your frustrations.Ive been married for almost ten years and have realized looking back that one of the Most important factors to keep a marriage strong is communication. I know you mentioned that you have tried communicating with your husband, and have gotton no where. One thing that may help is to write down all those things that you are feeling frustrated about in your marriage, start at #1.....write down the way you see it and the frustrations your feeling.Then write down how you would like things to change for the better, what your husband could do to make your marriage happier and stronger.I have done this, and it really gave me a stronger sence of my goals and direction for my marriage.Than from there begin to aim at those things as goals that you and your husband are going to accomplish together.I have learned not to back down when I have a need in my marriage. This took awhile for me to develope the integrity and communication skills that was needed to get my husband to LISTEN, alot of times husbands will hear what you have to say, but they dont take it in enough for a change to take place.One of the worst things that can happen in a marriage is for either spouse to surpress anger and negitive feelings. When all those negitive feeling build and build and build inside of you, that it turns to resentment and more anger, than you end up in a unhappy marriage.....if not divorsed.Its very important to not let issues go unresolved. Your marriage needs to be healed and strengthened.Its time to get you husband to listen and make an attempt to understand you and show you he cares enough to work on those areas that are causing you pain.If husbands feel there being attacked verbally then they get defensive and you end up getting know where. I know its easy for me to write all the answers, but I know for me that My #1 souce is Gods word and from there Jesus gave me the (know how) on conquering these problems in my own marriage. Being a Christian is an BIG Advantage when you have Jesus on your side.Hang in there and begin to nail those issues one by one. Your husband needs to see your unhappiness that your feeling deep down inside.Dont let him walk all over you and control your marriage. You can take charge and win! Communication is the Key.....and Jesus! <p>[This message has been edited by violet1 (edited 12-11-98).]<p>[This message has been edited by violet1 (edited 12-11-98).]<p>[This message has been edited by violet1 (edited 12-11-98).]

Dear Ivy,<br>Your husband sounds real immature and out for himself. You are a woman of courage and ethics. I congratulate you for just being there for your children and trying to make ends meet. Do you have any Christian support. I think it would be very important for you to have this at this point. Also try having your own savings plan for you and your children. Like Mutual Funds, or a good savings account that brings interest. Also violet couldn't have said it better, continue to lean on Jesus. He loves you more than anything. He will give you the wisdom and strength. Pray too for your husband.<br>Take care and God bless<br>Smitha

Violet and Smitha,<br>Thank you so much for your replies. I've been doing a lot of praying for me, my children and him. I'm trying to accept that I can't change him or his behaviors, but I can change mine. I guess as a result, I've withdrawn. We've hardly spoken to each other, but at least we're not arguing. He just left for work, and he'll be gone overnight. So now I'm consumed with suspicion and worry. I'm trying to convince myself that since I don't have any concrete evidence, I'm not going to worry whether he's having an affair, spending too much money, etc. Just before he left he kissed me. When I pulled away, he asked me for a "real" kiss and hug because I was his wife. I softly told him, "I haven't felt like one lately." He stormed out. So, in saying this, I'm probably pushing him away. <br>Violet, I liked your suggestion about writing down my frustrations. I've done that in letter form to my husband, because it's easier for me to write (I was a fiction writer before I started homeschooling the children) and I tend to get too emotional when I try to have a conversation with him. My husband's response was "grow up." He thinks I'm too controlling when I ask him where he's going. I explain that I think it's just common courtesy to let your spouse know you're going somewhere. Ah well. <br>I'm rambling, and most of this is written in the throes of emotion. Perhaps I'll be able to see clearly later. <br>I'm praying and trying to understand blind faith right now. <br>Thanks again for your responses. I don't feel so alone right now. <br>Ivy

Hi Ivy,<p>Sounds to me that there's some serious power struggle going on and he seems to be fighting for something that doesn't exist. I honestly believe that the burden of being a successful breadwinner may be wearing him down and he's taking his frustrations out on you. Plus, the obligations of marriage has worn you down since everything is like one big routined chore.<p>You're not just a wife, but a woman with an individual and unique personality. I think the lack of appreciation has made you feel less and less human. Don't change into something you're not on his behalf, unless if it's for the better. I have a gut feeling that the rat race is tougher on him and he may feel some pressure from his successful peers. You're withdrawn because you want to block out your pain or not have certain situations affect you. Respect and courtesy aren't reciprocated and you definitely deserve it.<p>I don't have any children, so your scenario would definitely be more difficult, but I just wanted to let you know that you're an intelligent woman and you'll pull through in the end. If his family recognize that he should seek help, then there is a red flag tagged on and you know this isn't fair to you. Negligence is painful and very difficult to stomach. Take care of yourself and hope you reach to you a resolution.<p>Linda